The Coming Out Phenomena

This is a research paper I wrote last year on teenage coming out. It might be a little long, however people have told me that it is very informational and emotional at the same time. I post it here hoping that it will somehow give everyone a better understanding of coming out and why it is so important to us as gays personally, and in society. So here it is,


The Coming Out Phenomena, by Nick Kor

He heard them in the halls, “that’s so gay.” He heard them at parties, “you’re a fag.” They were his best friends in the world. Every week he thought to tell them the truth about himself, and every week, he lost his nerve. What if they just walked out? Would they turn their backs on all those memories? All those years of school lunches, sleepovers, and roller hockey? Finally, after the summer of his high school sophomore year, Mike Piazza got together his four best friends, “the old gang,” and brought them to Burger King. The table was filled with the usual small talk. One of Piazza’s friends, Jon Barnett was planning a trip to see the Chicago Cubs. At last, Piazza spoke, “I need to tell everyone something,” he said. He could feel his heart thumping against his chest, yearning for freedom. Mike had a script all planned out, but after stuttering the first few words, he finally just said it. “I’m gay.” There was a silence. Then at last, a question arose, “So, are we still going to the baseball game?” asked Barnett.

Barnett’s reaction is one of many different reactions gays receive when they come out of the closet. “Coming out of the closet,” or simply, “coming out,” is the common expression used when a homosexual person reveals his or her sexual orientation to themselves, or someone else. The closet refers to the lonesome life of hiding and secrecy in which many gays live (Gianoulis 1).

Piazza’s coming out is just one example of the growing trend of teens coming out at younger ages. According to an article by the Harvard University Press, “Kids are disclosing their homosexuality with unprecedented regularity. […] the average gay person comes out ‘just before, or after graduating high school” (English 1). This means that today’s society is becoming more accepting towards gays and lesbians, making it easier for many to come out.

However, while more teens are coming out, it does not mean that they do not go through many troubles while doing it. “The experience of coming out and living openly,” says the Human Rights Campaign’s Coming Out Guide, “covers the full spectrum of human emotion.” These emotions range from fears such as being kicked out of the house, to excitement in the new and open life they are able to live (2). The coming out process is a lifelong transformation that involves three main stages: acceptance of him or herself, coming out to others, and living an open life.

The foremost step in the coming out process for homosexuals is the actual coming out to him or herself. Growing up is the most influential part for gays on deciding to accept him or herself. In a predominately straight world, terms such as “dyke,” “fag,” and “queer,” are used as everyday insults. Religions teach that homosexuality is a sin, and parents who strictly follow their religion, tell their children being gay is forbidden (Clark 6). In result, gay teens often go into “denial.” Automatically getting the notion that the homosexual life is the wrong life, they immediately shut out their ears when even considering being gay.

Moreover, many say they have known something was different about them since they were about six or seven, but could not identify what it was. This confusion causes teens like Tony, who are unsure of how to handle themselves, to try and make themselves “fit in,” “I tried dating girls. I even took a girl to my junior prom,” says Tony, who eventually came out at 18 (Hochman 5). Tony’s decision is just one of the many decisions made by closeted teens who fear the life of being gay. With constant language of how homosexuality is wrong, growing up may be the most powerful factor that affects a teen’s end decision on acceptance and coming out.

Continuing on, realization of being gay can many times be heartbreaking to young teens. Whether it is because of the parents, religion, or society, teens are faced with a problem that is left to solve by themselves. Often, they may seek relief through drugs and alcohol (Marcovitz 38). This then, can lead to depression and many times suicide, putting the homosexual teen attempted suicide rate at 46% (Lorch 2). This immense percentage reflects to many that the world is still not a fully tolerant place for homosexuals.

There are also teens who recognize their sexual orientation, and are just uncomfortable calling themselves, “gay.” Many of these teen are the ones that find help. Over the years, with informational sites, chat rooms, and online forums, the internet has become the place to go for teens seeking support (Schoenberg 2). These teens who get help, are the ones willing to accept themselves.

After finding their support and information, teens eventually learn to accept him or herself for being homosexual. “Admitting I was gay took a long time,” remembers an anonymous contributor from Human Rights Campaign’s Coming Out Guide (4). Following admitting one’s homosexuality, teens find ways to explain their same sex attraction to themselves. Mike Piazza reveals, “I can remember thinking to myself that it was like having blonde hair or being tall, and that’s how I justified it as being normal” (Schoenberg 5). Soon, like Piazza, teenagers realize that homosexuality is completely normal. It is not a sin or a crime; rather it is a trait that one has no control over. "I couldn't choose to be gay any more that I could choose to be tall," says 18 year old, Ritch (Hochmann 6). When teens are able to grasp this information, the acceptance of oneself comes at ease.

Once acceptance has occurred, homosexuals face the next part of the coming out process—the deciding to come out to friends and family members. The decision to come out is one that is not easy because of the many factors that must be considered. First, there are many benefits that teens see when deciding to come out: living a more open life, developing closer relationships, building self-esteem, and reducing the stress of hiding are just a few of these benefits (HRC Coming Out Guide 4). On the other hand, there are also many risks that appear in teens’ minds. For example, not everyone will understand, which may lead them to be hostility. Many relationships may permanently change, for better or for worse. And many may experience harassment or discrimination (HRC Coming Out Guide 4). Eventually, after comparing the benefits and risks, some teens decide to come out to others.

In the 21st century today, media has had a major impact on teens’ decisions to come out. Shows like “Ellen,” “Will and Grace,” and “The Real World,” are shown on TV relatively everyday (Schoenberg 2). These talk shows, sitcoms, and reality shows, demonstrate the world’s growing tolerance of gays and lesbians. By watching these celebrities, teens learn that it is okay to be gay and out, which helps influence their own coming out.

Another reason teens come out is because many can no longer stand hiding who they are anymore. Author Mary V. Borhak explains, “You have to watch carefully everything you say so you do not let slip some piece of information that might give away your secret” (Box 11). Every word must be carefully thought out so that no one suspects anything of them. Teens then begin to feel isolated because they are unable to speak freely. Luz Duarte, a 17 year old, also felt this way as evident when she shares, “I just felt like I was being pushed away from people…because I wasn’t being myself.” This withholding of one’s self is sometimes too much for teens to bare. As they choose that they no longer care what others think, and they decide that what is most important is to be truthful about themselves.

Therefore, teens begin to come out to others. When coming out, teens often find their greatest support from where teens have always found it: their friends (Clark 9). Mike Piazza says his defining experience as an openly gay teen has been his support from his friends (Schoenberg 7). Barnett says he had no problems with his friend, Mike’s, sexual orientation, but there was a sense of awkwardness at first, “Okay, this is weird. Do you act differently?” he admitted thinking to himself. Soon however, he realized the most important matter was to make Piazza feel comfortable and to reassure him he could count on his friends. Barnett goes on, stating, “[Homosexuality] went, for me, from something very foreign to something very common” (7). Barnetts reaction shows that teens that have had their friends come out to them become much more intuitive of homosexuality and the issues surrounding it.

The support from Barnett however, does not accurately describe others that have continuously harassed their fellow gay peers after they came out. Some show no support for their friends whatsoever. Alexander, who came out at 15 to one of his friends, remembers his classmates abandoning him. Some told him he should rot in hell and suggested he should kill himself. “When I tried to sit next to someone on the bus, the boys said, ‘no fags allowed.’” He was tripped and shoved in the halls, and one time someone stuck a sign on his jacket that read, “FAGGOT.” Soon enough, he dropped from being in the A honor roll, to D’s and F’s. “I would go to school one day and stay home the next. Ten minutes didn’t go by without me thinking about killing myself,” says Alexander (Hochman 2-3). This type of harassment is just one prime example of the negative results many gays receive when coming out.

The next group of people in the coming out process is the parents. Support from parents is critical for teens whose identity is so fragile, says Caryn Stark, a New York psychologist. “They have been on this solo journey that is confusing and painful. Then if their parents, their most fundamental supporters tell them they are not normal, that what they are is wrong, it can be deeply destructive” (Hochman 6). Negative reactions lean from very minor acceptance, to being thrown out. Janita’s mother said it was okay for her to be gay as long as no one knew. Jennifer is heartbroken because she is not the daughter her mother would accept (3). And Tony’s father slapped him across the face, while his mother sat and cried. “My mother and father are religious people who taught me that homosexuality was sinful. And I knew they would never accept who I was. When I wouldn’t answer their question [about being gay], they got angry and threw me out,” says Tony (5). Being removed from their home is considered the worst outcome of negative responses for teens, not only because parents are essential in the growth of teenagers, but also because many teenagers financially depend on their parents. By being kicked out of the house, these teens now have nowhere to live, with no money and no food.

At the same time, there are also broad ranges of positive reactions. One parent, a Mormon father, says, “I don’t believe that men should be together. […] But I love him as my son” (Cloud 8). While it may not seem as though this father is overly accepting, being able to love a child for who he or she is, and not what he or she is, is fundamental in developing open-mindedness. Soon enough, as this father continues to be exposed to more gay issues, he will develop a greater sense of tolerance. Another group of parents describes their own reaction as “a reaction that’s kind of ongoing. We’re adjusting, and we love him very much…we’re supportive of him and proud of his accomplishments.” Positive reactions such as these, cause teens to feel they have created more meaningful and open relationships. With no more hiding and no more lies, teens are, once and for all, able to be themselves.

Finally, after coming out to friends and loved ones, begins the process of living an open and truthful life. For many teens this starts with trying to be open at school. One major factor that has helped gay and lesbian high school students create more open lives is through school clubs like Gay-Straight-Alliances, often referred to as GSA’s (Lorch 2). These clubs provide safe and supportive environment for students to meet other homosexuals, discuss homosexual issues, and participate in events such as National Coming Out Day, Day of Silence, and No Name Calling Week. The formation of these groups has created a more diverse and accepting student body in many schools. For example, at Crete-Monee High School in Illinois, the senior class elected two girls as ‘cutest couple.’ When it appeared that they might not have been recognized in the yearbook, dozens of students walked out in protest to support them. What used to be unthinkable just on the school level is now happening (Schoenberg 3). “Kids who are out are the class president, the star athlete. Same-sex couples at Proms aren’t even a weirdo thing anymore,” says Ritch Savin Williams, psychology professor at Cornell University (Lorch 2). This shows that with the creation of these GSA’s, more students now recognize homosexuality is not the bad trait that many have thought it was for decades.

For countless other gay teens however, they are not as lucky to attend an accepting high school, with a club such as a GSA. Jascie remembers the homophobia she received when coming out in her school, “The news about the new lesbian in school got around fast. I was getting hassled a lot. They called me a dyke, lesbo, nasty sick. I started to get really nervous about being in school” (Hochman 4). Many times, these teens are harassed, which then leads to fear and dropping grades at school. The harassment and discrimination of gays have caused Alexander, Piazza, Jascie, and a new wave of gay students to become advocates against homophobia. They are a new generation of out teens that demand on being heard and treated with respect (Hochman 1). As the teachers and leaders of tomorrow’s society, they are educating and showing the world it is okay to be gay. Jascie soon changed her attitude about being in school, “I wasn’t going to let anyone mess with me or chase me from my school.” Soon enough, she created her school’s first GSA and began counseling gay students and giving sensitivity training to teachers (4). Mike Piazza, likewise, used his accomplishments in high school and in theater to help him to gain tolerance and promote advocacy. As the top actor in his school, he is recognized by both friends and strangers alike. One freshman, a new member of the theater department, reflects, “I used to say ‘fag, fag, fag,’ but when I got to high school and saw people like you, I started to stop” (Schoenberg 8). The influence which Piazza has had is considerable, while many of his fellow peers look up to him, others at the same time do not want to discriminate against one of their most talented and well-known students. In response, Piazza says, “I mean, no one would go up to anyone and say ‘nigger, nigger, nigger,’ anymore because that’s not an acceptable word. It’s the same thing. It’s just goin’ down the same route.” Piazza estimates as many of 20 of his friends no longer use the word “gay” to mean something is bad (Schoenberg 7). Many times, straight teens do not even notice they are using the word, and it is as simple as pointing it out to them.

Other times, they just need a little education. When asked about gay being a choice, Alexander, answers, “Who would choose to be rejected, to be isolated, to be called a freak? Who would choose the anxiety and the fear and the hatred?” (Hochman 6). These students have become role models for other teens still accepting their sexuality. According to a Hamilton College Survey in 2003, roughly 59% of high school seniors said they have openly gay classmates (Schoenberg 2). Due to the advocacy from these students, many others now have the courage to come out.

Along with that, as Alexander, Jascie, Mike and others continue promoting homosexuality, they must also continue their own coming out process. Whether it be meeting new friend, moving into a new town, or getting a new job, some believe in straight out telling the truth right away, while others prefer to wait to get to know the person before they risk the negative reactions of coming out. For this reason, many gay people believe that the closet is with them their entire lives, and that every time they meet someone new, they must decide on coming out to them (Marcovitz 14). Thus, coming out truly is a lifelong transformation, for if teens can go through the long and stressful process of acceptance, coming out to friends and family, and continue on to live openly, they have not only brought back order into their lives, but they have also provided themselves with experiences to face future problems with more confidence (Box 12). Over the last decade, as new teens continue to disclose their sexual identity, family members and friends have become more accepting. Dr. Gregory Herek, professor of psychology at UC Davis explains, “Heterosexuals with gay friends or relatives have significantly more favorable attitudes towards lesbians and gays as a group” (1). “It’s like God put a new pair of glasses on me…” says one father of a gay teen (Cloud 7). When a friend, a child, or a sibling comes out, the stereotypical images are canceled out—the parades and the drag shows featuring the ‘butch’ and ‘femmes.’ Many also begin to feel uncomfortable with the traditionalist, rigid views on gays (10). When families and friends hear homophobia and discrimination against their loved ones, they take it personally. “Hey, that’s my child you’re talking about,” a mother responds. “Don’t talk about my sister that way,” a brother will say. “If you want to touch him, you’ll have to go through me,” defends a best friend.

As more people speak up, there will be a greater influence on society’s understanding of homosexuality. They will understand that gays and lesbians are everywhere. They educate as teachers and principals; save lives as doctors and nurses; protect towns as police officers and fire fighters; entertain as actors and musicians; defend the country as legislators and soldiers; they are sons and daughters, moms and dads, peers and best friends. When society finally has this true knowledge of homosexuality, they will learn that there is nothing to be afraid of. They will recognize that the only aspect separating gays from straights, is the mere trait of sexuality. When this is acknowledged, young teenagers will no longer have to question their own identity. Teens like Mike Piazza will never have to go through the stressful process of coming out. With no more harassment, no more thoughts of suicide, and no more fear, homosexuals will become common aspects of this world. Two lesbians will no longer receive glares while holding hands on the street. Citizens voting for a gay congressman will not be influenced by sexuality, but by issues. Homosexuality will be so common, that when a 13-year old boy asks his male friend, “Hey, do you think she’s hot?” the other will naturally respond, “No, I think he’s hot.”

 

thank you!! and yes i did get an A

 

Thanks again guys! My grade was an A...94/100