Well, I don't know what I want end game, but I know I want to change how my life is. Let me give you some background. Oh and its all over the place. I'm usually very good at writing but my thoughts are all jumbled right now so if you're willing to brave it, thanks. I feel like I have nothing. literally nothing at all which I know isn't true. I have a loving family who I feel distant to. I'm not close to my parents, my father doesn't even know I'm gay, but thats not what this is about, I'll tell him eventually. My sister moved out three years ago and I hardly see or speak to her and when I do, she takes no interest in me but then I can't say I blame her, there isn't much to be interested in. My mother is someone I've never felt able to confide in (except when I was about 6 or 7 I have vivid memories of telling her about my new 'girlfriend' at school :lol: ). I've never told her anything until I came out to her and then the time I told her about some boy troubles but even that felt hard and awkward to do. I really have no-where to turn except to you. Since I finished college a few years ago I have literally been lost. I don't know what I want to do. I have no drive to do it. I have no focus. It was around this time that I drifted away from my friends. I say drifted away, it was more that neither me or any of them bothered to try and contact each other. After a good few months I assumed that was it, I no longer had to pretend to be interested in what they were into, getting drunk and all the joys of your mid teens. I shared no interests with any of my friends, we were all on a different level. I'm not suggesting I was smarter than them, far from it, but we were of different types of intelligence I think. I didn't really feel a connection or bond to them. In fact, I didn't really like many of them. Only one or two and the way I look at it, they abandoned me just as much as me them. They could have called. Or text. Or emailed. They never did. I'm not totally unable to talk to people or hang out with people, and I can hold a conversation. I'm terrible at starting them and keeping small talk going, but I can talk to people. My problem has been finding friends because, well hell, where do I even start to look? I'm not into clubs or bars. Its just not me and I won't go to one alone, I'm way too shy for that. So where do I find people to connect with? Sometimes I feel like the most boring guy ever even though I know I'm not. I'm a good looking guy. I'm charming. I can be funny. I'm sweet and caring and loving. I know these things. My Ex Boyfriend helped me get over my refusal to see it. So I know I'm a good friend and at least somewhat attractive. Since that time I wasted my life by doing nothing. My parents were supportive to an extent. They understood I was trying to sort myself out, what I wanted to do and things. Then the economy turned bad and they went along with my excuses that there is nothing out there anyway. I read, I play games, I watch movies, I scan the news way more often than is healthy, I used to play a game where you constantly had to keep up to date and talk to people to get ahead in it, a political game. I wasted a good deal of time on that until one day I just thought, why? so I left it and never went back. A good step in the right direction I think. I do go out, I'm not a total recluse, but its not often and I have no interest or drive to do so. The supermarket is enough for me. Although sometimes I have the idea to just go into town and get a coffee, sit in the shop and enjoy it, soak up being outside. That idea never goes anywhere. I know I'd feel way too uncomfortable once I got there. I used to enjoy the gym. I worked out about twice a week, not that much but I enjoyed it. I at first went with some friends from college, then as I drifted away from everyone, I went by myself. I'd arrive, get changed, do my little routine and sometimes I'd swim for a bit, sometimes I'd just go home. In and out as quickly as I could though, no hanging around. But I stopped going. Mostly it was financial reasons, If I have no income, I can't keep it up forever, so I just stopped. Also getting there was a problem and hassle. But it is the best gym I've ever visited and the best anywhere close so if I want to go to the gym, it has to be that one. Where I'm going with this I have no idea. I have nothing set out in my head to tell you or ask you. If you've got this far, bear with me and sorry its all over the place. A few months ago, and this is the best example I have, I went shopping in town on my own. I went to a clothes shop, and now, I hate shopping. HATE IT. Clothes shopping is my least favourite. Why? well, I always feel like im being watched? I don't like that feeling. Not only that but I don't know how I should act. Do I touch the clothes... how long do I stand there looking at them? I start over thinking and over analysing. I wouldn't say I panic but I just want to get out of there. I walk quickly, I don't often look at people and I try to just keep my head down and to myself. This is how I am in public. A year or so ago, I met a guy. It was a person I spoke to on that rubbish political game I played, but I just started talking to him and we connected like I've never been able to with anyone ever. Luckily He was at university locally and we'd hang out. He quickly became my best friend and my boyfriend. Not my first but wow. If that's what love is, I can say for sure I've never felt that for ANYONE before. He made me feel special, loved, all important and he actually called me beautiful and I believed it. I felt it he meant it and I felt it was true. I'd never felt so complete and good than when I was with him. I cant say I believe in 'the one' thing, but if that does exist, I cant imagine ever feeling about anyone like I did for him. If I do wow love is powerful. Those were the best few months of my life. Then he moved home and for a while we did the long distance thing but then he found a job, while my life was still put on hold. He came to the conclusion then that we should end it and not pretend to be in a relationship until we actually can be. I was shocked, I mean, we'd talked about this, about how hard it would be and how long it might be until we could be together but we were both longing for it. He broke up with me and while I was devastated at first, he quickly helped me realise we're still the closet of friends. No-one knows each other like we do and we can still see each other. Rarely but we still can. We can still talk and confide in each other and be there for one another. Well that was three weeks ago. Since then we've got into a routine where we talk in the evenings via IM, he texts less and when we do talk, he seems less... into me. Less into what we're talking about and just generally like he's doing something more important. Which I dont doubt since it often takes him a while to respond and sometimes he just doesn't bother. Sometimes he has reasons, but sometimes he doesn't say anything about why. Its quite frankly making me miserable and although I love him to death, im coming to the conclusion that If its making me unhappy 'talking' to him, I shouldn't as much and try and move on. But every time I do I long for him to talk to him again and just think, well, maybe we'll talk more at the weekend. We do but even then, its not the same. I realise he must be tired after work but the way I look at it is that its rude if we're talking and he's not interested. Maybe I'm just pining for what we had before. We're thinking about seeing each other soon, so that's something. Would be nice to see him again. But this is not even about that either. In fact, while I miss him terribly and would give and arm and a leg for our circumstances to be different there has been a good side to the end of our relationship. I realise that I cant rely on someone else for happiness and the feeling of being complete. I need to be complete in myself for myself. Does that make sense to everyone? The breakup and what has happened since has really made me realise its time to buck up and get going with life. I'm a planner, I make plans in steps. I like to have an outline of how I'm going to do something before I do it. My plan since the breakup has been simple. 1) find a job. any job. don't be picky, its temporary and I need to just get out there for experience and to get moving. 2) Potentially going back to the Gym. I enjoyed it and its a step further towards being social again. Who knows, I might meet someone there who I can develop a friendship with if nothing else. 3) Find friends. This is the one I'm most stuck with. Where the hell do I start? I don't do anything. I'm not a confident person, I'm shy. I can't see myself actually doing things alone to meet people. I have no idea where the you to go to meet people like me. 4) Relationships. I don't want to have to rely on the internet to have chance encounters with amazing people. I don't know if I believe in fate. Sometimes I do, others I don't. For those that I don't, I need a way to get out there. Friends would help with this surely? I've been set up via friends before... not great but yeah. :dry: Although, the chances of meeting someone who is compatible with me like my ex was is surely really low anyway :icon_sad: I'm not even sure what I need to have in my life to feel complete. I just feel so lost and empty and bored. I'm not sure I'm suffering from depression. I'm not happy, and I feel depressed, but I don't know If I actually am suffering from depression. Something is wrong though. I know what I need to do and what I want to do but I cant seem to do it. No Drive. No Focus. I loath how my life is knowing how different it could be. I don't know what else to tell you. I just wanted to write it all down but I'm all over the place in my head and my thoughts are jumbled. :icon_redf I'm not sure what I'm even looking for. I'm not sure what anyone can say to advise me but I'd welcome some anyway. :eusa_doh: I'm reluctant to push the submit button because this is all over the place like I say... well here goes. :help:
Wow, where do I start. my thoughts are as scrambled as yours. 1) jobs can make you life seem even more desperate, depressing, if it's not the right fit. 2) i hate the feeling of being watched too and so i avoid looking at people in public as well as you mentioned the way u are in a store. This didn't really change for me in a gym. 3) finding friend is really tough. When I meet new people in my life it's always a new working relationship. I find myself liking the person and feel it would be nice to be friends with the person. But I never bother ask if they want to be friends because if the feeling is mutuall, they could ask me to hang out or something. 4) relationships can be tough, if you are the kind of person that is willing to try and make long distance work, but your partner isn't willing. In this economy and our age, we can't really guarantee that one of the two in a relationship won't move away for a job, and so then what? I don't know about you but I am the kind of person that can feel extreme grief over love, even though I had never been in love. I personally think that relationships just cause more grief in the end as it statistically will end sooner or later. So I guess what I am trying to say is that there is always a reason for everything to make your life feel better, but at the same time, they can make your life more miserable if something goes wrong. It really just depends upon the type of person you are, optimistic, or pessimistic. I wish you all the best of luck in life, (*hug*) :tears:
Well, reading you post was like reading a biography of myself, with a boyfriend added in. I spent most of the winter so far thinking about the same things you are thinking about. About finding a job. It's a great start, really. Plus a little moolah isn't bad. However, don't get too attached. Just last night I made the decision to put in my two week notice at my job where I've been used and abused for 3 years. I've always succeeded, but in this case, I worked my butt off to do a good job, and it got me nothing at all. So, don't get to attached. Don't fall into any traps, and always keep looking for something that will make you happier. As for friends and relationships, I'll be watching this thread to see what people say, because I'm also lost in this.
I think you explained yourself quite well. You've summed up your main issues, and even set forth a few potential solutions to your problems. Certainly finding a job will be a boon, and I think going back to the gym is a good idea as well. As for the other two parts, I think I can link them to one overreaching issue that runs through your post. It sounds like over the past few years, if I can stretch a metaphor a bit, you've stripped away the inessentials. You've thought "I don't really like going out to clubs, so I'm not going to go anymore" and "I really don't have much in common with this person, so I'm not going to bother working to maintain the friendship." And that's actually not such a bad idea. The problem is that you didn't replace the old things with new things. You didn't start doing other things instead of going to clubs. You didn't start hanging out with new friends rather than old ones. And you may have stopped doing things you didn't like, but it sounds like you didn't bother really investigating the big question. "What DO I like?" So let me ask. "What DO you like?" And let me go further to ask "What MIGHT you like?" Because maybe there are things you might like but simply haven't tried yet. I ask these because, right now, you don't seem to have much passion in your life. You played that video game a lot, but even you seem to have discovered that you doing it more to "have something to do" than out of genuine love and excitement of the game. So give it some thought. What DO you like? What MIGHT you like? Writing, drawing, sports, martial arts, music, cooking, origami? If you're not sure, try something out. Sometimes the discovery process can be as much fun as the actual activities. Then, once you find something you like, indulge it. Like it. Like liking it. And sometimes, these passions can be outlets to making new friends. You might sign up for a martial arts class or a cooking class, and meet somebody there, for instance. And even if they don't lead directly there, simply finding your passions and indulging them will make you a happier person, and being a happier person is perhaps the best magnet for attracting people. Lex
