I guess there is no advice for what I’m going to write about, I just needed to take this out of my chest because I have no one to talk to in person. Even if no one reads it, posting this here makes me feel somewhat better. I apologize for the length of the post, but there is a lot I need to say. I am feeling very sad and down, I might be slipping into depression. My problem is that I feel completely alone. There are few reasons for this. First of all, I’m kind of shy and it has been hard for me to make friends in college. I have only made 3, and they like to party a lot. I don’t feel very comfortable when I go to college parties or other events where there are lots of people I don’t know. It is hard for me to talk to people I just met (I never find anything to talk about, my conversations die after just a few questions, and then thank awful, awkward silence comes into play). Therefore, whenever I go to parties/social events I just get stressed and sad because of this, start drinking trying to become more social (and because I like beer and rum and drinking with my few friends), but at the end I end up depressed because I can’t meet new people (I also feel jealous of my friends who are more gregarious/sociable). That’s why I started avoiding parties and hanging out with my friends on Fridays and weekend’s nights. I stay at home, which makes me feel alone. Also, when you are majoring in Engineering and have the pressure of keeping a scholarship, there is not much time to have an active social live or to join sports clubs or other clubs. So, I have no places where to meet people with the same interests outside the party environment. To make things even worse, I live in the US by myself, and my family, long time friends, and country are far away from where I’m now. I wish they were here with me, because some days I just need a hug or a genuine “how was your day?” or “are you ok?” I have been living here for 3 years, but I still don’t get use to the people, culture and way of living. I have made friends here, 3 to be exact, but I’m very different from them. Sometimes I have behaviors or make comments/jokes that are completely normal or funny for me, but they don’t really see them like that and that makes me feel awkward/embarrassed. There is no true connection with them, I don’t think there will ever be a true friendship. We all live in the same house, but I feel alone anyway. There is 5 other people from my country in the college I attend to, but I don’t really like them (3 of them went to my same high school, and I didn’t like them back them. I gave them a second try, but things didn’t work out well). Last, but not least, I am not out yet and I’m still confused about my sexual orientation. Sometimes I think I’m gay, other days I feel like I’m bi, and other days I wish I was straight (especially when I see a straight couple or a straight couple and their kids). It sucks when you don’t know what you want. I find men physically attractive and I get mostly aroused by men, but I have never felt love or attraction for another guy. I have pretty close straight, male friends back at home, but I have never fallen in love with them. It has never gone beyond friendship (thankfully ) . I have never dated a guy mainly because I’m not out and shy, but also because I don’t find in men that “thing” that makes me like women. I can’t describe what that “thing” is. This whole confusion and mess have prevented me from meeting someone special. For example, I started dating a girl who is in my class, but after a few dates I decided to stop it because she was getting into me, but I wasn’t getting into her. She is very cute , funny and smart, but I didn’t feel the chemistry or attraction I have felt for other girls in the past (if I feel like I want to hug them, it means I like them haha). And, whenever I was with her, I kept thinking “what are you doing with her? She likes you, but you are gay”. I’m afraid I’ll never meet that one person and be alone for the rest of my life. This is something that really scares me. Well thanks for reading this. I could keep writing stuff, but I need to start reading a “drivers’ manual” to try to get my drivers’ license ha ha. -Charlie
Reading this was like reading about my life, I could relate to a lot of what you've said. I'm pretty much similar in terms that I'm quite a shy person, feel uncomfortable in certain social situations, not out (still unsure about sexuality) and ultimately it can make you feel very alone and depressed sometimes. I pretty much gave up on going clubbing and the like because I found them quite depressing places. Alcohol + Feeling Down is not a good mixture. I have quite a few friends who I get on with well, but there are others too where the friendship seems very forced, almost phony, so I know what you mean. Meeting new friends is always hard, its just something that happens I guess, you can't force it. As for sexuality, I basically feel the same as you. its frustrating and confusing, I'm hoping it'll work itself out in time. But, like you, I only really feel physical attraction to men, yet the thought of being in a relationship with another guy seems strange to me. In contrast, I'm not sexually attracted to girls but I still see the idea of being with one romantic etc. There was a girl in particular that I recently thought to myself that I'd like to be with, but I wouldn't want to sleep with her. Yet, I would want to with guys but I've never felt a strong emotional attachement to one. Certainly all the male friends I know I'd never think about in that way.......its just so confusing. Like you, my biggest fear is being alone. But I'm sure we won't. If we just keep going and trying, I'm sure things will become clearer in time........hence why I joined EC Sorry, I don't really have much advice or anything, but I thought I'd let you know that there's other people out there who feel exactly the way you do.
Well, you say there might not be any good advice in your situation, but I'll be damned if I can't try! Before I start, while I know that a real hug is better, take an online (*hug*). You sound like you can use one! First of all, a question: where are you from originally? You mention a bit of a culture shock when moving to the US, but where are you coming from yourself? I do think that spending a bit more time on hobbies could gain you a lot here. I get that an engineering degree takes a lot of effort (being the proud holder of an engineering degree myself), but it is possible to just take up sports or another hobby at a leisurely pace. While I was studying, I still spent three hours a week on sports and two hours on piano practice. OK, with that amount of practice, you're not going to make the Olympics, but it gets you an activity, and access to people who are into the same thing. And that is your main goal here. Yes, it's a couple of hours a week you aren't studying, but firstly, it costs you less time than battling depression, and if parties don't work out, you can take some less time on those, and some more time on things you actually enjoy. Also, hobbies provide ammunition for social contact. If you're meeting new people, you can talk about hobbies, and exchange stories. If you only hang out with the same people, and don't do a lot of other things, then conversation topics are pretty limited by default. And, to top it off, meeting people might help you in figuring out your sexuality. It's hard thinking about attraction in the abstract sense. But when you meet other guys and girls, you might start finding out that you like some of them more than as just friends. That's a bigger pointer than sitting by yourself and thinking about abstract women or guys to like. So give joining a hobby/sports club some thoughts! It's a bit of a timesink, but I think it gains you more than you lose.
hi! I don't know of much advice to give but I just wanted to repeat the above post that other people feel the same way as you, if that's of any help. I've moved to new countries twice and had those issues. After I left high school I stopped seeing my friends from there, and for the next 6 years I literally only ever met 3 people that I made friends with. It sounds like you've been in your college for 3 years? So you're probably a year from the end? Maybe think about moving to a new city or something afterwards? You might just feel the same in a new place but who knows things might change. In my experience it's a matter of luck in meeting the right people that you like and can make friends with easily, so you have to just keep looking for new people until you find them. oh I'm trying to get my driving licence too! Good luck with that! (*hug*)
