Thought that now I had bf, everything would be OK...

This could be a long story, so for those who don't feel up to it, Supertramp have summarised it in one line from their song, Hide In Your Shell:

"I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love"

which it most certainly isn't!:icon_wink

Crap - now I sound all sentimental, but I just thought they summed my feelings up quite well. Anyway, I'd better start my story from the beginning:

I am 14. I know that's quite young to be certain of my sexuality, but I am quite developed (I hit puberty very early) and I'm not absolutely sure where I stand, but I don't think it's just a phase. I have recently had a long period of my life dominated by a huge crush on a (needless to say,) straight boy who I hardly knew (sad isn't it :icon_sad: but I'm mostly over him now :icon_bigg )

During this time, I wasn't very happy and told a few close friends about this (of course, now the whole school knows, but that's another story!) One of them actually told me that he felt similar feelings about another boy, and it was really nice to talk to him about everything. We became closer now that we had something to talk about and similar feelings. I started to half-jokingly become quite affectionate with him, and one night, under really bizarre circumstances (too complicated to explain...) we ended up in each others arms. Just before we went to bed, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Of course, I was really happy and a few times in the following few days, when we were alone, we had a quick hug and I kissed him, but he didn't want to kiss me. :icon_sad:

Just realised this is getting quite long and nothing interesting has happened. Anyway, I'll go on and speed up:
I then invited him on holiday with my family and my other best friend (who was coming already and just happened to be a devout Catholic... :eusa_doh: ) and he stayed one night before we set off. It was great - we lay in bed together for three hours, hugged a lot, and he eventually French kissed me, but not after some delay!

That was great, but for the rest of the holiday, he sort of ignored me :icon_sad: - he did show me affection a few times but I always started it and most of the time he would just push me away if I put my arm around him, for example (we were in a locked bedroom, so he had nothing to fear) I got rather hurt by this, and told him so. He made some comment about me being like a 'petulant three year old'. Anyway, he did show me some affection, so I think he still feels something for me.

However, I don't understand his change of heart. I think he might be afraid of being gay, which is why he didn't want to kiss me in the first place. He has quite conservative parents whom he is petrified of telling or of them finding out. I think I have two worries:
Firstly, I think I am in love with him and I want him to feel the same way back. I would be so upset if he 'dumped' me, especially if it was just because I was a boy.
Secondly, if he does like me, I really need his affection (sounds silly, but I don't think he requires as much attention! [sounds really stupid now:icon_wink ]) I'm sure he is quite content to have a 'passive' relationship, but I need to be hugged etc. and I'm afraid he will be too paranoid at school and just ignore me which would make feel really crap. And I can't really see him out of school.

These seem really stupid reasons, and looking back on the post I feel like I'm taking up too much of your time, but I can't think why I'm so unhappy. I really need someone in my life and sort of just assumed that everything would be OK once I had a boyfriend. But I still feel like shit and now I have even more worries. I also don't want to lose my best friend.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do or how he is feeling? Has anyone else experienced a simmilar situation? :help: It doesn't seem like much, but any comments or messages would make me feel so much better:icon_bigg

Thank you so much for reading this. (*hug*)

 

Thanks. One of my close friends is gay (he's 17,) and he's also good friends with this boy, so I might get him to ask him about it.

 

I did sort of ask him and he didn't really seem able to give an answer, so I didn't push it. He just went quiet. I think he would be quite embarrassed telling me, but he is really great friends with this other person. I dunno... I might try asking him again, but I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

 

What do u mean by that? Do u just mean that I should pick a good time (when he's relaxed and willing to talk), or should I lead up to the subject, or what?

Anyway, please don't be offended if I don't reply - I'm shattered and am about to go to bed. Thank you very much for your advice and good luck with coming out.

 

think i see what you mean...
thanks

 

Thanks for the advice! (*hug*) I think I will talk to him about it and try to find a time when he will be most comfortable (any suggestions...? :icon_wink ) I'm a bit concerned that this won't make much of a difference, but I can't really do anything else, and at least he'll know my true feelings about it.

I don't think he'll 'turn ugly', as Friend put it, so everything should be OK. I just don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

Thanks once again everyone, and I agree with jamieuk: you're very mature (and helpful!) nedoftime.

 

Yes, he's my age. I think you're right about most things there (you have obviously defined your emotions better than I have - understandably considering my age!)

I think you have surmised my feelings excellently by saying

I know I rambled quite a bit in my original post and didn't really hit on the real issue, but that's because I didn't really know what the real issue is! I can define most of what I feel, but not all (what you mean by 'not clearcut')

I also agree with you that he probably doesn't understand his feelings. I really get the impression that he feels something for me, but I think he has trouble expressing that or putting it into words or actions. I don't truly understand my feelings - I'm still a little nervous about putting a label on myself, for example, and I think he is the same, but I do know what I feel for him.

I do also recognise your point about needing to be in a relationship, however, I think the 'void' I need to fill is the fact that I don't have someone like him in my life. I know that a relationship isn't a cure-all (I think I might be hoping that it is, though:bang: ) but what I am really looking to cure is the emotional intimacy part

I also think that in my case, and I'm sure many others, the physical intimacy I mentioned needing, is merely a reinforcement of the emotional intimacy - for quite some time now, I have felt that I needed someone to love and who loves me, and of course the obvious manifestation of this 'need' is to have someone who is prepared to be physically 'close' to you. I think that all I'm looking for is confirmation of the emotional intimacy.

I do think I might feel that this relationship will be more than it will be. The image I hold in my head of the ideal point in this, or any, relationship, is having a deep emotional attachment, and being public about it, but I doubt that will happen soon. I don't think he's ready to get too attached, or come out publically :tears:.

What do you suggest I do? You seem to hint that I should abandon this relationship, which I am not going to do, as I can't see how it would improve matters, and of course, I don't believe in going against my feelings (I feel very strongly for him.)

Even though I sound a bit scathing of your advice (sorry - I don't mean to be :icon_redf ) I really appreciate it and it has definitely aided me in sorting out a few things in my head.
I am unfortunately still at a loss as to what action to take. Do you think, as others have recommended that I should confront him about it, or should I just try to accept his feelings as he is not entirely sure of himself, or do you have any other suggestions?

I cannot thank you enough,
A


P.S. Reading this through, I am aware that I have overused the phase 'I think'. I hope I'm not giving too much credit to myself!