Terrible at Talking to Women :(

[GhostDog]

So, I've never been good at talking to women I find attractive and/or awesome to be around. Even back before I twigged that I was attracted to the ladies, I'd get really flustered and feel too inadequate to even talk to them and just want to go hide somewhere. I put this down to jealousy and poor self image at the time, which may have had a part in that. But I still do it, only now I'm aware that I'm attracted to them, so I spend the entire conversation kicking myself for blowing it. >.<

Once I find out for sure she's straight, I'm generally okay. But when I'm not sure, (or, even worse, when I am sure she's queer), I am like Captain Awkward from Awkwardtown on Planet Awkward. EYE CONTACT IS SO HARD, I end up staring at a point three feet to her left unless I realize what I'm doing and try to remember to look at her face. I get so nervous! And I am sure I come off like an utter creep that way. I'm scared to even interact with them without coming off like I'm hitting on them.

I'm pretty good at being confident and acting like myself around guys, straight girls, and girls I'm not interested in for whatever reason. So I've had admirers who are guys, and girls who make far too much conversation about their elderly cats and/or anime dubs they find subpar (note to self: never mention casually liking anime again). Yet I end up being so awkward and jittery around girls I like, who I might actually have some common ground with, I'm pretty sure I am even less suave than a caffeine-hyped chihuahua who's afraid of sweaters and hair.

What can I do about this? I don't know how to freak out about it less! The only queer girls I was ever friends with, I was friends with before I knew, much less was out to myself. I've gone to various LGBT groups, but I always feel more comfortable hanging out with the guys. >.< I still have this lingering feeling that, because I figured myself out later than a lot of people my age, I'm not quite dykey enough or something? I've never even kissed another girl, man. I feel so inadequate! ;_; It's like I don't feel like a real lesbian or something, despite the whole 'finding girls way attractive and not being particularly interested in dating guys, and also being totally open about it' thing.

Did any of y'all deal with something similar? How did you deal?

[Phoenix]

Well what you're describing has been going on since the dawn of time. We all get nervous around people people we like, and for those of us who are LGB it gets multiplied by the fact that we get nervous around someone who could swing the way we do because we wonder if we could be compatible with them.

Originally Posted by GhostDog

Once I find out for sure she's straight, I'm generally okay. But when I'm not sure, (or, even worse, when I am sure she's queer), I am like Captain Awkward from Awkwardtown on Planet Awkward. EYE CONTACT IS SO HARD, I end up staring at a point three feet to her left unless I realize what I'm doing and try to remember to look at her face. I get so nervous! And I am sure I come off like an utter creep that way. I'm scared to even interact with them without coming off like I'm hitting on them.

I'm pretty good at being confident and acting like myself around guys, straight girls, and girls I'm not interested in for whatever reason.

This bit right here shows that. I'm the same way. It's so much easier to play it cool around people you're not interested in. I feel like whenever I talk to other gay boys I'm going to be unintentionally flirty and lead them on or I'm going to be paranoid that they might think I'm hitting on them.

Originally Posted by GhostDog

What can I do about this? I don't know how to freak out about it less! The only queer girls I was ever friends with, I was friends with before I knew, much less was out to myself. I've gone to various LGBT groups, but I always feel more comfortable hanging out with the guys. >.< I still have this lingering feeling that, because I figured myself out later than a lot of people my age, I'm not quite dykey enough or something? I've never even kissed another girl, man. I feel so inadequate! ;_; It's like I don't feel like a real lesbian or something, despite the whole 'finding girls way attractive and not being particularly interested in dating guys, and also being totally open about it' thing.

Did any of y'all deal with something similar? How did you deal?

What I would say to do is, when you're first trying to interact with other queer girls is remember that they might be just as nervous as you are about possibly being offputting. And honestly, as long as you're not one of those people who goes up them and is like "So, do you come here often? *eyebrow raise*" a lot of them will probably go with anything you want to say. I tell this to people a lot but try for some humor somehow, that's always a good ice breaker. A lot of the time you're your own worst enemy and you micro pick every word you say or behavior you do and the other person isn't even reading much into anything besides the fact that they're having a nice conversation with you.

Also, don't ever think you're not dykey enough or a real lesbian. You're a lady who digs other ladies, that's the only requirement to being a real lesbian. Everything else you can make up as you go.

[Jim1454]

Most people are like this - not just you. So know that.

Secondly, you have a beautiful smile and pretty eyes. You should never feel self conscious about looking someone in the face. What they're seeing is lovely.

Many of us get so worked up about that first thing that we say, that the stress causes us to flub it up. We have ourselves convinced that the first line we say is a make or break kind of thing. And the reality is that it isn't. You likely have a few sentences with which to make your first impression. And even then, a first impression isn't always the only impression you're able to make.

Your first interaction with that person is not going to determine whether or not you are ever happy again. But we kind of get that impression in our head and we let ourselves get overwhelmed.

Instead, act as though you have it all together. That things with you are awesome whether they're in your life or not is almost what you want to convey. Not to appear arrogant or indifferent - but confident and happy with yourself. THAT is the kind of person that draws other people to them. That's probably the kind of person who you are attracted to yourself. That's what you see in them. But the reality is that they don't have everything figured out. They just appear that way.

You're a real catch, and don't ever forget it. You have nothing to be nervous about - because you're pretty darned great just as you are without that person in your life. Having them in your life would be icing on the cake.

[GhostDog]

Aww, you guys made me feel a lot better. Thank you. =) I guess relaxing will just take some practice!

[Z3ni]

I get nervous with good looking people and just guys lol ..

[Enaithor]

I'm exactly the same! But with guys, obviously haha
I talk easiest to girls (although popular ones, depending on who it is, I can be a bit awkward with - I am generally pretty awkward), then to straight guys (who I'm still pretty awkward with) and then gay guys/guys I'm unsure of, I'm like, woah omg is my hair ok!? And then someone that I fancy the butt off, it's really bad, I'm walking along, see him come round the corner and I'm breaking out in sweats like OMG OMG OMG I LOOK SO CRUTTERS.

So you're definitely not alone :P
But yeah, just be yourself, is my advice, if it's a girl you want to like you, then chances are, she will, because otherwise she's a hoe and should go jump off a cliff or something :P
And you don't get anywhere by being nervous, or trying to be someone else (:

[RaeofLite]

Example of me when talking to my current girlfriend (who wasn't my gf at the time I met her). Thoughts are italicized. Quotes are " "ed.

Wow, (guy friend) has a really pretty friend... ...Oh god she looked at me. She knows. She's going to think I'm a creeper. *averts gaze to concentrate on Life (the board game)*
Me: "So um... where do you work?"
Her: "Oh at the (grocery store name) in the plaza."
Me: "Oh cool. I don't go to the plaza that often, but cool."
*friend across the room raises eyebrow*
F***. I'm such a dumb***.
Me: "Do you handle money or? I-I mean are you a cashier?"
Can I get anymore retarded?
Her: "No I work in a floral department.

...Later on that night.

Gosh I wish she swung that way.
*female friend enters the room*
"I think she was checking you out?"
Me:"Nah I don't think she goes that way."
"Have you asked her?"
Me: "N-no..."

--
Story of my life. >< sometimes you just have to fake confidence. Fake it till you make it! If you know you're a catch then fake some confidence and... the worst you can do is be rejected (which sucks) but it's better than a "what if".. Get rid of the what ifs in your life.

[Chandra]

Originally Posted by GhostDog

I am like Captain Awkward from Awkwardtown on Planet Awkward.

I GREW UP THERE. *Awkwardtown secret handshake*

Seriously, though, everything you said sounds pretty much exactly like me. I'm getting better, though, so I really do believe it's possible to change. Sometimes it's like I have to talk myself out of being shy. I don't really know how to explain it. *shrug*

[Prccgeek]

I always have the eye contact problem. I find myself staring off to their side well I have a conversation. I imagine it looks kind of weird. But I think we all all been there. Everyone gets a bit nervous around people they are interested in or that could be potentially interested in them. It just adds a nice extra twist when you are wondering the whole time if they are queer too!

I know for me, that the fact that I have never actually been with another lady makes every convo with any queer girl a big deal. Even though I am open about who I am, I still feel like a newbie and the whole concept gay, well most of the time I am really comfy and happy with, is hard to wrap my mind around. Since you haven't been with another women, the same thing might be happening to you.

Hey, but I think that if you just stay confident and be your fun self, things will all work out. You were one of the first people I met on EC and I always thought you were uber cool and confident so I don't see why all the other women of the world wouldn't think exactly the same!!! :-)

[silas99]

Hey
I think that 99.9% of the population feels exactly the same when they meet someone they like. In an attempt to try and act cool and attractive I tend to come across like a weird girl with abnormal behaviour and some kind of alternative language that must only be spoken in the next galaxy. I guess what I'm saying is that I know how you feel and you arent the only one. One thing to say is that if someone genuinely likes you they will stick through the initial weirdness to find out who you really are.

Hope you are having a good day mate.
Nicxxx

[Uruz]

Argh! That's me too! I'm not the only one...