I have always known that I was not straight but being a freshman in high school and having never had a crush stood out to me. All my other friends had started to talk about guys that they liked and I could never understand. I rarely find anyone attractive. I started to put thought into it because I was tired of feeling like I was in the dark. I eventually set my mind on the idea that I may be asexual. I was not against the idea of it; it seemed to fit me very well. At first I felt really great about finally being able to feel as though I could understand myself. Soon though, I began to become angry at myself for being so different and it got me really down. I do not know anyone else that is asexual and didn't know what to do for help. I continued to look down on myself for this. I thought of myself as worthless, and if I'm never going to have a relationship (which society has deemed basically the meaning of life: to get married and have kids) then what was the point of even living. This lead to daily thoughts of why am I alive? And I began to dread life and the future. I feel extremely useless and like a burden. I don't know how to make these thoughts stop and they are beginning to be all of what I think about. It scares me but I don't know what to do. Has anyone else gone through this and have some advice?
hmm...I think the best thing to do is to find the silver lining for being different. For me, I see that being bi is cool because I have a larger horizon on who I could be attracted to and have a relationship with. This might not be true (I'm just guessing), but maybe one benefit to being asexual would be not having to go through all the drama of being sexually frustrated towards people (or just in general). It's pretty annoying, especially when it occurs in unfortunate situations. (ex. a stranger, a homophobe, a celeb, someone who ends up being your teacher...these things have happened to me and/or my friends and yea not fun)
Well, I accept myself because that's who I am. I was lucky enough during my upbringing to be taught that being different is okay. So I never pretended to be anyone other than myself. Basically everything uncommon about me (gay, atheist) was already accepted. It was as quick as the realization, "Oh, okay." I'm sorry, that's probably not very helpful. But that's how I work.
I've grown up being told that it's okay to be different, but I've also been very perceptive of hypocrisy. My uncle is gay and married. My mom has no problem with that, but also at the same time she has openly told me that she doesn't think that being bisexual is possible (which seems completely illogical to me). I have multiple LGBT friends and when she learns about them I can always see her perception of them change a bit. She always seems to think that because they are teenagers, who they know they are is less worth listening to than an adult. The idea that she wouldn't be able to just accept me if I told her (regardless oh how many times she hints that it would be okay) makes me feel terribly about myself. If I told her I was a lesbian, I think she would be fine with it. If I told her I am asexual, she would just say "Oh, you're only fifteen. Just give it time."
I know how this feels very well. I've experienced the very same thing, but unlike you I was raised to fullfil expectations. Everyone expecting you being an ordinary girl is such a burden. I felt like a failure almost every day of my life. Then after some time I accepted to stick with my friends and being alone. When I realised what's going on I felt better for some time. Unfortunately I did fail to fullfill everyones expectations. I was hoping they will understand cause I'll be happy but they didn't care. All they carred for was loss of their dreamed girl. I basically got confirmed and keep getting reminded that I failed. This backstabb from them was kinda cruel. It hurted but I realised that I would never felt better if I didn't come out. Besides I'm happy with who I am. I was sick of pretending being a girl. So I pushed the pain away. It would not do me any good anyway. And I did learn something. Screw society, it's about you to be happy with yourself. I think you can accept yourself if you give it some time. For me it was good thing to do and it did helped me in some ways. I think if you'll get used to thought that you are a little different from mainstream it will be better. It's nothing bad afterall, it's just how you feel. You don't need to feel bad about it.
It sounds like you might be experiencing the emotions caused by Shame. Shame can lead you to low self esteem, self worth and lack of confidence. The good news is you can learn to manage shame, build confidence, increase your self esteem and self worth. And when you do you will learn to love yourself. Do a search on EC for the various threads discussing shame, and start to engage on the topic. Maybe start by reading my blog here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/onthehighway/14595-managing-shame-internalized-homophobia.html
When I realized I was trans I fought the idea for 2 whole weeks. I didn't want it to be true. I finally stopped fighting it when I realized I could either go on fighting it for the rest of my life or accept it and begin to embrace it and explore it. That was almost 2 months ago now. My struggle now is with what I want to do with that realization. How far do I want this to go? What will it cost, and what am I willing to give up to live openly as who I am? So yeah. It's a process, and it sounds like you're right on track.
Hi Enigma. Have you spoken to a counselor or therapist about your feelings? Is one available at your school? I think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone, especially if you are having feelings of worthlessness or thoughts about “what’s the point of even living.” If you don’t feel ready to speak to a professional, perhaps you could speak confidentially to your uncle (if you have a good relationship). Being gay, he may be able to relate to some of the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing. Although I obviously don’t know your mother, she may not be basing her beliefs on hypocrisy; it might be simply a lack of understanding. Many concepts in the LGBTQ sphere can be difficult to conceptualize for many people, such as non-binary identities. Based on your posts, your mother seems more open than many parents. Perhaps she just needs a little more education on things like bi-sexuality and asexuality. It is true that many adults seem to discount teenagers’ thoughts and feelings because they’re young; but I don’t think most mean it in an insulting or negative way. From experience, adults know that teenagers will change a great deal as they mature – physically, mentally and emotionally (even if they have no gender or sexual identity issues). We don’t reach physical maturity until our late teens / early 20s. And our brains take even longer, not reaching full maturity until our mid-20s. At the same time, adults need to understand that teens’ thoughts and feelings are real and they need to accompany teens and engage them where they are, rather than where the adult thinks they will be or should be in the future. You are still very young, Enigma, so your understanding of your sexual identity may change over the next 5-10 years (though it may not). Try not to let anxiety overwhelm you. Continue to explore who you are and, if at all possible, share your feelings with a counselor or other knowledgeable adult.
