Created a mess and separating from my husband

Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted on a support group. I'm just going to tell my story and I appreciate anyone that reads it.
I have always known I was attracted to women since I was little. I KNEW this about myself but for many reasons I ignored it. I wanted to be 'normal'. But I always had crushes on kelly mcgillis in top gun, jo on facts of life, I was a total tom boy, loved sports, loves all the boy things. But being an only child with no dad I also loved attention from men and when I gre older I wanted a boyfriend like everyone else. It was exciting to get attention from boys! And sex with boys could be fun too! The times I kissed women in college though, were absolutely amazing. It was like a little secret in me and I knew it was something I liked. After college I men a nice guy. He was sweet and didn't want me just for sex I thought. He was an only child too and we bonded on that. But sex problems began shortly thereafter. Turns out he had an anal sex fetish which he just denied. I went along with it because I loved him. The anal wasn't exclusive but it really affected my self esteem. It was his preference and I began loosing all ability to be aroused or really 'be there'. But, it was also a time of discovery and he loved me and I needed that. I loved him too. I knew it didn't feel right but I stayed with him. We got married and I remember thinking that this man is so stable I need him in my life. For whatever reason (childhood issues) I gave identity over to him and I knew that we would have a family (which I wanted) and he wouldn't leave me but I felt I would probably be unfulfilled on some things. For example I stopped hanging out with some of my friends so much, I felt anxious to get back to him, we did everything together! And most of the time it was great! But underneath I felt resentful. (Of my own choices) I had always wanted to go cross country or do something wild in my 20s! He didn't. He was a get a job, walk the walk, do everything by the book type. I was a free spirit. So, we need up having two children who are the lives of my life. Our sex problems continued. Our communication style was awful! He was passive and avoided every issue I brought up. Said I just complain and never stop talking, etc. we had money issues, issues with his mom (he is an only child and has said that at times he does choose her over me) he made lots more money but we split things 50 50. Between the time our son was born and our daughter was born things got bad. I was lonely. His fetish got overwhelming for me and I really lost some of myself. He refused to talk about it. i lived our family though and I loved him. After our daughter was born my mom died unexpectedly. It was a huge transition time for me. I grieved so hard, I had a newborn, then I herniated a disc in my back and had surgery. Then we moved!! It was a lot at once. But when my mom died I grew up a lot. I realized I couldn't live my life unhappy. I told him no more anal. And he stopped! But it was too far gone for me. I gritted my teeth through sex. I hated it. I was never there and it was just a physical feeling to get through it. I even hated kissing him. When we moved into the new house I intenddd it to be a fresh start in our lives. I was grateful for my family. But everything fell apart. He came home one day and said he couldn't live there. He hated the place. He had no room for himself. I went into total panic mode and started calling contractors to put an addition on. Then stopped and said, wtf, I'm not spending another 100k because of him. I suggested enclosing the porch for his office. He was happy. Our family was happy. I was a little resentful because after all we'd been through this man had the audacity to throw a shit fit over his personal space. I work at home and I work off of the dining room table, I do all the kids activities, pta, etc. I asked for one night to myself and it was like pulling teeth. So, here the kicker, I started making more friends outside of the house. One woman and I really clicked. I realized, oh shit, I really really like her. I was beside myself. Like why the hell is this happening to me. Why can't I stop thinking about her. I wanted to be around her all the time. We confided in each other, I admired her, I realized I was falling in love with her. Then one night, I hit on her and we crossed the line. We had sex and it was unbelievable. And I knew I was home. It was magic. For the next two weeks I was so turned on I had never ever ever felt that way before. Well her husband found out. So, I told my husband. And the shit hit the fan. We started counseling. I told him I was confused but I have always had attractions to women. He lost his shit. It's been seven months of a nightmare. Our relationship has spiraled into constant arguments, he is gone every weekend, we are both in individual therapy, crying, tension, etc. he has said the worst things to me. I feel like a complete nutcase. And total piece of shit for cheating (it was over before it started. She was clear she didn't want to pursue it). But I can't go back and tell him it will never happen again. It was a sexual awakening for me. A confirmation of something I suspected for a long time. We are decent people though. He is a great guy. A great dad. We have agreed on a separation. Any advice on how to get through this to the other side? I don't want to close the door forever on my marriage but I don't want to live a dishonest life either.

 

Thanks. I appreciate the support.

I feel very guilty for not being able to make my marriage work, for not being able to be all in for my husband, for having these undeniable leanings towards women, for messing up my kids home life. I will say that my kids go to a very LGBT friendly school. My husband is a very sweet person but this has brought out the very worst in him. He has threatened to expose me to everyone, has said I am ruining his life and the kids lives, has made derogatory comments about my friend. I am NO angel either. We feed off of each other. I yell and scream. Last year before this happened I physically pushed him into his closet (his is bigger and I am always pissed about that). And I drink too much.
But we are very used to each other. I find comfort in him and his companionship. Having a family is something we always want s because we both came from broken homes. But since I was intimate with my friend, I can finally fantasize about myself in a sexual situation. I am comfortable in my skin as a woman who likes other women. I don't need to label myself. It I am very very comfortable with imaging a same sex relationship now. But ideally, you should end one relationship with integrity before pursuing another.

 

Thanks for your response. You ask am I still in love with my husband. I'm afraid that I've fallen out of love and I'm scared to admit that. But I do love him and always will if that makes sense. I care deeply about him.

I also fear I blamed his fetish on all of our sexual problems, but our sexual problems also came from me because it just didn't click for me.

There is also this reality that sex for me must have an emotional intimacy. Because he denied and ignored his sex issues, has a tendency to be selfish in general, and cannot share his feelings, our sex life lacked intimacy for me. And something undefined has been missing.

Incidentally I don't know if anyone read glennon Doyle meltons book, love warrior, but she describes similar feelings in her marriage. When she announced her relationship with Abby wambach i was completely not surprised.

My husband is extremely hurt. I get it. I cheated on him and that is shitty. He has since screamed in my face, pressed his face against mine screaming you're a fucking lesbian, he threatened to tell all of my kids school and cub scouts about what I did. He said he doesn't want the kids around this other woman. She and I do not have a relationship. But we are in the same social circle, our kids are friends, we do scouts, and soccer, etc. in short, the reality is she is there and she is not going anywhere. We are friends but nothing more. Honestly I tried to be more. But she was not interested. She is going through her own drama and trying to get herself sorted out and I respect that.

In the meantime my husband and I believe a trial separation is needed. Really I think he would ignore this forever too. Just hope things get better. That's how he deals. But this is not healthy. I have a real codependency on him though. I am extremely distressed and cannot bear how I've hurt him and ruined our family.