I know this is all pretty irrational but my head is in a tough place right now. Basically, I tried topping my roommate/FWB last night and I couldn't make it happen. It isn't the first time that I've had an issue where I just can't seem to get it in, both with him and with other guys. It shouldn't be a big deal, and he was extremely cool about it (even coming back to check on me and give me a hug later when we were texting and I was clearly upset), but it really bothered me that I couldn't do it. And I'm sure there's plenty of natural reasons for this. In particular last night I had a little to drink, and I hate how lube feels (I tend to hate the consistency of most lotion like things) so I think that "ew" factor of lube turns me off a little, and I've been masturbating quite a bit lately so maybe that even had something to do with it. I have topped him a few times in the past successfully and really loved it. I'm quite attracted to him and honestly fantasize about topping him all the time. But here's the part that is messing with my head...I can't help but feel like "well, maybe I'm not gay after all" with this whole thing. I know it is totally irrational, but I keep thinking that hey I never had this problem when having sex with women. I don't mind bottoming, but I know I'm not a total bottom, and having a life where I can't seem to top half the time just feels like a death sentence. So maybe it would just make more sense being with a woman again. Ugh. Anyway, I needed to get these irrational thoughts out somewhere. Thanks.
This has nothing to do with your sexuality; time to stop being a broken record - sorry to be so blunt. Your not straight, your into guys, move on with this part of the journey already. (And I am not suggesting anything other than what you have already admitted to yourself). What I can offer from my perspective, is maybe you are a bottom after all! And if you are, there should be no sense of bottom shame with that! Now, maybe your a bottom and not comfortable with accepting it, maybe you had a bit too much to drink, and yes maybe you even have too much masturbation and are watching too much porn. So here are some thoughts: Don't watch any porn for a few weeks, not even a 30 second clip. Avoid jerking off as well, let your system recharge. And as you get older, alcohol and sex start to mix less and less, so try avoiding alcohol before sex. Finally, clear your mind and completely open yourself up to bottoming and just bottom for a few weeks. Then after a few weeks, do the same with trying to top. Again, keep an absolutely clear and open mind. See what you actually enjoy more without worrying about bottom shaming. Another point that I might as well throw out to you, your body might very well be telling you something further - of a deep submissive side that needs to come out. So what I am suggesting is that your body might actually be expressing a strong desire to be submissive rather than just a bottom. And to be clear, I do believe bottoming and submissiveness are actually mutually exclusive one another, but they can go hand in hand at the same time. Why am I suggesting you consider this? Well, based on all the history from all of your posts which as you know I have been following, I for one would not be surprised if this was the case. You have always reflected a desire to want to please others; you have eluded to co-dependency tendencies, and you have embraced partners that seem to have been more dominant in nature. If this is the case and if it scares you a bit, rather than be concerned about it, maybe you should consider embracing it. If in fact you are more submissive natured, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being so! In fact, if you are, by recognizing it and embracing it, you may very well be helping yourself accelerate your own journey of self acceptance. This may very well be the exact next stage of your acceptance that you need to contemplate. Now, maybe I am completely off base; then again, only you can figure that out if you open your mind enough to give it a go.
COS This could just be performance anxiety. TMI here. I have only had a problem once and I was early 20's. The second time I had sex with my wife I couldn't do it. I was so anxious about improving on the previous experience that I couldn't. So, we just made out for awhile and I was able to later. My advice is to calm down. Just the worried tone of your post makes me think you are WAY to anxious about this...chill.
Thank you OTH. I do think I tend to be a bit more submissive by nature, without question. And the idea of being a bottom, I just don't see myself as a total bottom. I enjoy it when I do it, and I won't at all lie about that. But sometimes I just want to top too. I have no clue why it is such a difficult thing physically for me to pull off. But the best sex I've had usually involves me topping or just oral. Blah. That said, I think part of what is bothering me right now too is that whenever something goes wrong in my "gay" life as it were, my mind goes back to "well, you could just be with a woman." Like, without fail, that's the reaction in my brain. So yeah...I know, broken record, but it is a thought process I am frustrated with myself. ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2017 at 07:30 AM ---------- You're right, some of this is definitely performance anxiety. I feel like once I try to get in and fail, its already done. Like there will be no coming back from it. I need to get out of my own head right now.
Here is a set of statistics from a large-population (25,000 gay and bisexual men) study that most people, including gay men, find more than a little surprising: It is worth repeating what I bolded above and the title of the article I cited: "gay sex is not anal sex". The reason I bring this up (so to speak) is because all too often people see homosexual sex in heterosexual terms, i.e. sex = penetrative sex. Clearly from the study above, this is not the case among gay and bisexual men. In fact, the variety of sexual activity in the LGBT world is incredibly diverse and imaginative, the reason is obvious: same-sex sex is not obvious, it requires discussion, imagination and creativity. Penetrative sex can be seen as somewhat hetero-normative: part A goes into part B...repeat. LGBT sex is an entirely different matter, of course, and in a sense makes for a far more interesting and varied sexual experience. The key is being open to try things outside the realm of anal sex (which is great too, certainly!) but certainly not all there is to it.
Maybe you should not be so quick to suggest what you do or do not see yourself as - particularly when your own text is contradicting itself. On the one hand you say, "I just don't see myself as a total bottom". Yet you recognize the struggle you have with topping when you add, "I have no clue why it is such a difficult thing physically for me to pull off". Add to that the idea that you might very well be submissive with your comment, "I do think I tend to be a bit more submissive by nature, without question". Taken together, from my standpoint, it is actually rather clear why it is difficult for you, because you are predisposed to be a bottom (and yes, this is really something for your to decide at the end of the day). Think about it, look at all the struggle you have had with coming to terms with your sexuality; you think now you can just be clear on what type of physical sexuality your body best responds to? Just like working through your sexuality, you also need to work through it physically. And I get it, there are lots of stigmas associated with being a bottom, I had previously posted this in another thread: 1. Having an accident while bottoming or simply not being well prepared 2. The need to prepare before bottoming 3. Being a submissive bottom 4. Bottom shaming in the gay community 5. Being less Masculine as a bottom compared to a top 6. Perception that bottoming hurts 7. Anal penetration as an unnatural act But all of these are nonsensical issues tied to bottoming. The reality is, bottoming can be amazing and even more pleasurable than topping! Even if you are a bottom, this does not mean you can not top, and it does not mean you can not be versatile. It does mean your more inclined to perform better physically as a bottom. So if all the evidence points towards this, why try and swim upstream? Maybe you should just embrace it!
O.K. I'm going to toss something out there that may be only my personal experience... I am totally new at gay sex. I haven't done, and probably won't do, anal intercourse. A limit my wife and I have agreed on. And, that's fine with me. What I have found is, for lack of a better description, relief from the guys that I have sex with. There is no perception of needing to perform or live up to an ideal of how a top or a bottom is supposed to behave. We just have fun! All of my sexual relationships have started with hookups. All of the guys I hooked up with, that made it as far as intimacy, have become friends. I think because we were able to set aside the concerns of following a script. This may be completely off base...but, I think maybe there is, often, too much self reflection and analysis into defining our sexual roles.
I do not think this is off base at all Nick! And I agree with you, if your personally fine with something, it works for you, then go with it! I am friends with numerous guys that are perfectly satisfied without any Anal activity whatsoever. And GW's response suggests the same. If, however, such as the case for CameOutSwinging, there is a deeper concern and anxiety, then sometimes peeling the onion back a bit to get at the root of the issue can be beneficial.
There's a period of adjustment required to lose inhibitions and lingering traces of internalized homophobia and get really comfortable with gay sex, so that could be a factor here as well, regardless of where you fall on the top/bottom/versatile spectrum. And if you sport above average girth or length, that might introduce further complications, especially when dealing with tighter bottoms (!)
