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Boyfriend or not boyfriend yet?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Worgen2, Feb 26, 2017.

  1. Worgen2

    Worgen2 Guest

    I wanted to know something that even my best friend doesn't know the answer to but I was with a guy named Kent for almost 2 years and then we broke up on November, 10 last year and recently this late last month started to go back together again.

    But my actually question is that Kent says he loves me a lot for a while and he does show it by actions but the part I don't understand is that if Kent loves me a lot why does he say that I won't jump the gun again on us being committed like before since most people who do that end up braking up in few months. He said if he happens it happens.

    I mean Kent has known me for 2 years he acts like we just met. Kent did live long distance for almost 2 years and didn't see me as much and I can say that at beginning of Jan when he just got back close to where I live he really didn't want us as lovers at all period and said only friends period and won't even try to be with me again and one point said we aren't friends anymore but then mid Jan he wanted us to be friends again and around late Jan almost Feb he decided that he would have sex with me since I asked him many times that I want him to be with me which was a miracle since I thought that would never happen after how much he said he would not do anything to try to be with me again. But he wants me to still keep looking for other guys and also he said he wasn't sure if we would date. Also that time he was looking for a different boyfriend.

    Then around mid Feb to now he says he loves me and I was shocked about that since I didn't know he loved me but I guess I can tell by his actions that he does but now he says that I should just make friends and he is just making normal friends and isn't looking for another guy but he did say that if he finds someone he loves more than me then likely he would go with that guy but so far he loves me the most. I don't know if this is part of his ADHD though since his ADHD is really really bad and is untreated since he chooses not to take meds and go to therapy long story.

    I guess what I want to know is that are we boyfriends like we use to be or not? Also some of you guys know about the bad history of Kent living in a bad place in Crossroads for almost 2 years and made him bad and confused and that's why he ended up braking up with me. I' am Kent's first guy he was with so he doesn't know about relationships much.

    I do remember I talked to a guy on a dating site I met and he was a expert on relationships and he said after me explaining about Kent he says he agrees likely Crossroads made him bad and changed and in around 3 months he would be back to himself and end up trying to get back with me and do it indirect way meaning trying to say sorry but not directly since he will feel ashamed. He didn't guarantee it but likely will happen he says.

    Now it didn't exactly happened what he said since we did keep in touch and slowly looks like Kent is going back but it is heading that way I see since Kent now loves me again but do you guys think in time he would commit to me again?

    Also is he a boyfriend now or not? All in all I really think Crossroads made Kent lost himself and was really bad but now at least Kent is happy and out of that bad place since 2months ago.

    Just very confusing guy he is. One thing I can say is that he really had a lot of impulsive behavior like hitting me pushing me etc but especially these 2 days coming over he really has been working hard and getting better so we are getting along better and better seems like.

    I just don't know though if Kent is now a boyfriend or not or what is he right now? He doesn't know the right words to use though even some sees him as my boyfriend they think but just wanted to know if you guys think he is my boyfriend again or not.


    Thank you very much
     
  2. MisterMissy

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    I'm new here, just this month, so I know absolutely nothing about any previous stories you've shared about you and Kent.

    I am no expert on relationships, nor do I wish to sound like I am, or that I think all relationships are meant to work the same. They aren't, and they can't.

    For me, though, my gut tells me that if someone you're with tells you that your relationship has changed, just like that; and then goes through this sequence of changing the definition of your relationship multiple times, even if they have good reason to, I just don't feel like that's a healthy situation to be in.

    They have their own reasons for needing to break things off and call you both friends, or even not friends at all. But that doesn't mean that you have to still keep in touch, or agree to get back together if the other person feels like they can or want to again.

    It also doesn't seem right that Kent would say to you that he'll stick with you only until he finds someone better, because that basically means he doesn't think you're good enough, and he's settling for you until someone better comes along. Like, are you okay with that? Is that acceptable for you? Cause it certainly wouldn't be for me.

    "If you want to be with me then you better commit to it, because I'm committing to you 100%. I will love you, cherish you, do nice things for you and care for your needs, and you do the same for me." That's how a "good" and balanced relationship should work. Anything else means you have a lop-sided or one-sided situation, which isn't a bad thing on its own, but can mean that one of you is sticking with the relationship as a way to gain something else from the other. Money? Food? A place to stay? Your circle of friends?

    I'm not saying any of that applies to you, but what I am saying is that while your situation would likely constitute the use of the boyfriend label on both of you (as that seems to be how you are currently treating things on a daily basis), it doesn't feel like you are getting any genuine satisfaction out of it all. To be honest, you sound like an old married couple that has fallen on hard times and is thinking about breaking up, but you're so used to each other that you keep trying to hold things together when there's next to nothing left to hold it together with.

    Where's the spark? Where's the excitement? Where's the love? Do you feel that you're still getting these things from Kent?
     
    #2 MisterMissy, Feb 26, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2017
  3. Aspen

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    It sounds to me like he's keeping you on a string. That's not right or fair. Sit down for a bit and think about what you want. Kent's been dictating the terms of your relationship—you're together, you're not together, you're just friends, you can't be friends anymore—for a long time. He's allowed to make decisions about who he's friends and in a relationship with, of course, but so are you. Do you want to be with Kent? Do you want to be friends with him?

    It doesn't sound like Kent is sure what he wants in a relationship, which is fine, but it's not okay for him to keep jerking you around while he figures it out. Once you know what you want out of the relationship, talk to him about it. It's the only way to know the status of your relationship and how he's feeling for sure.

    This is not just impulsive behavior; it's abusive. He's controlling the terms of your relationship, telling you that he loves you but is looking for something better, and hits you. I know what he's been through has been rough, but you deserve a relationship that you can be happy in.
     
  4. Worgen2

    Worgen2 Guest

    No no you don't understand the hitting is his impulsive behavior and is not because he is mad. He does this when his excited. It's his ADHD. I talk to my therapist once a week and she knows it is his ADHD and she also calls him a now child since he goes by how he feels now and wants things done now. He is a great loyal guy and does a lot of nice things for me like he would carry my groceries or get my pop from upstairs, etc. He isn't a bad person at all. I just wanted to know that would Kent be considered a boyfriend or not yet.

    He has gone to hard times now but things are turning better he is immature on a lot of things yet but I know in time he will be better. Also he is trying his best to get along with me the more we are in person together.

    Also he isn't trying to string me along since I know he loves me now but it could be true that he is still trying to learn himself but the more his with me in person the more his leaning towards me I noticed which is good thing. I do love him very much for 2 years but since Kent living in Crossroads was a bad place it made him confused about himself and really mean person since he was always upset there. It's just really confusing to explain about Kent.

    If you have more questions let me know. Thank you for your support.
     
    #4 Worgen2, Feb 27, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2017
  5. darkbulan

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    it could be possible that he doesn't like to label or define the relationship because he might no longer be comfortable with the idea of fixed term or he just wants to enjoy all the perks (be it physical or emotional) without the actual commitment. as you said yourself, he might date or fall in love with somebody else. so this "pseudo-relationship" you have isn't really binding and can use his get out of jail free card if the opportunity arises.

    it's clear that you still love him. however, this non commitment he's given you has you all confused. ask yourself, does he still really love you? or are you just trying to convince yourself that he does? you need to clarify things with him, and i mean really clear this whole situation. help yourselves get out of relationship purgatory.
     
  6. Worgen2

    Worgen2 Guest

    You know like today he came over he really acts and behaves like he is my boyfriend and even does things like one but when I say are we together he says we aren't but he does really love me I can tell. Maybe very soon he will decide to be with me since it really seems like he loves me a lot. He might be scared to commit since he says that's how most couples don't last when they jump to saying we are partners. I can say that if this was Kent back when we met 2 years ago he would guarantee said we are boyfriends since that's how he was back then just as now. Or could be better now in a way since his really trying to control his disability very hard and I seen it very well these two times he came over especially. Also he loves to see me everyday though I told him gas is getting expensive so I can't see him everyday maybe like twice a week or 3 times at most. I live off SSI, EBT and Medicaid so money is tight. He lives almost 18 miles away but only takes around 25 min since it's on a interstate mostly when driving and speed limit is 60 mph. Other roads are 35 mph and 45 mph.
     
  7. Worgen2

    Worgen2 Guest

    But I still would like you guys input on this since that's why I was asking on these forums about if we really are boyfriends or not. From my view we are but he seems to not think we are even now since I asked him today but do you guys agree on the last thing I said about Kent and in time he will say we are since it shows that he loves me and acts like we are together?

    Thank you very much