On EC for 4 years today...

But, I knew I had to accept this, as hard as it might be. Living a lie would be harder.

This line, such as it is, comes from an unfinished novel that I began 15 years ago. The line comes from the point in the novel when one guy realizes that he's in love with another guy.

This scene will never see the light of day if the novel ever staggers to any sort of conclusion. It's not the best scene I've ever written, and the realization I'm in love, evne though it must mean I'm gay! is better handled by a different scene. But it's interesting--for me, at least--to note that I wrote this line 4 years ago, when the project came back to life for a brief moment. That period sent me on a flurry of research, as I verified various details. And somehow, during that process, I found EC.

I may have found EC before that day in 2013. But even if I had, that time was different. I kept coming back to EC. Finally, I registered on Feb. 27, after I created a new Hotmail account just for the EC registration. Yes, I felt strangely paranoid. In honor of that unfinished novel that brought me here, I created an EC user name that had the initials of one of my gay characters.

So, as of today, I've been here for four years.

I suppose I can't say I've made no progress in four years. Certainly, I've made progress--particularly the first months here. I realized within a month that I'm gay. Not bisexual. Not "Well, I could have sex with a guy--but I'm sure could have a relationship with a woman!"

At some point, paranoia also subsided, and I moved the EC registration to one of my "real" e-mail accounts.

But, by other measures, I didn't do as well as others who joined at about the same time--or even later than I did. A small list of things some could label failures:

• I'm not fully out, and, indeed, until yesterday, I wasn't actually out to anything more than very casual acquaintances. (Although I'm not sure how much I care about being out to everyone.)
• Some practical issues mean that--at this point--I can't be 100% out. I may not ever be able to be fully out. The day I registered here, for example, I spent time on EC after registering...and then went and did some work for a woman I know. She is one of my better job references, but, she's a conservative Christian, I may lose that reference if I ever fully come out. Not a pretty situation.
• I have dated zero guys, bringing my lifetime dating total to zero dates period.
• I have also had zero sex, unlike those Later in Life guys who manage to have sex right and left two weeks after joining EC.
• I have recently struggled with an acceptance of sexuality in general, as I discussed the other day.
• I have little "real world" LGBT connection. Only a few people whose paths very occasionally cross mine. I know of a few other people, but they aren't officially out to me. I have had zero luck finding more real world connection.

Meanwhile, my life has had plenty of problems. Cash flow has been bad the whole time I've been on EC. I've whined about this many times, since poor cash flow makes dating hard (at best), and maybe even impossible. At times, cash flow has been beyond horrible, raising the question of how do I survive on the most basic level. I have also have struggled with other issues. I've whined about a very lonely, isolated existence, and the apparent impossibility of making local friends. Depression has been an on-going battle as well.

In recent history, I've had a somewhat dark outlook, and I've frankly wondered sometimes why I bothered with this EC journey. I suppose there is some value in accepting the truth that I'm gay. As the line above says, "Living a lie would be harder." Something I think many here in Later in Life--who have lived far bigger lies than I have (through a straight marriage) would attest. And yet, I have wondered if acceptance is as far as I'll ever go. At this point, I'm honestly wondering if I'll ever reach a point where I'll feel free to be fully out (i.e. not care who knows). It's hard--even impossible at times--to imagine ever having even a single date, let alone a relationship. And I've cracked more than once that my tombstone will read:

BMC77
Went To His Grave A Virgin​

And I know I've gotten tiresome as I whine about the same problems again and again. Over and over. I haven't been posting much recently, partly because it seems so pointless. It's the same whines that no one really wants to hear again!

Still, I keep coming back here fairly regularly, even if I don't post as much as I used to.

And I suppose even if the journey has ended, coming out to myself, and accepting the truth, is something. Many people don't even manage that much...

 

Thanks, everyone!

Interesting point...and it's not something I've thought of this way before.

Certainly, I've been aware that I need more cold, hard cash. But I haven't even seriously come up with numbers. Part of it may just be how overwhelming it seems.

I keep trying to figure out viable ways of increasing cash flow...but no luck coming up with ideas, precise or otherwise. :tears:

It really doesn't help having naysayers in my life. One guy I know appears to have the attitude that the best I can hope for is enough to pay rent and buy groceries. Depressing.

Unfortunately, I'm in such a dark place I guess I feel like I have just about nothing to put in that inventory. But...it's something I should probably think about.

Thanks!

---------- Post added 28th Feb 2017 at 02:52 AM ----------

Reasonable point. In her case, she's a strong reference. She knows how to handle potential employers. Years back, I had to get some letters of recommendation for a position. Her letter was, by far, the strongest, and said the things an employer wants to see. The others were positive letters, but they were vague, wishy-washy "BMC77 would be a good asset!" type letters.

I am not the most marketable person out there, and so the loss of a good reference is a huge blow.

There are others whom I can't afford to come out to, too, because if they take the news poorly, there could be some huge, practical headaches. For example, one income stream might go away, and I can't afford to lose it right now.

Perhaps I worry too much. That is a real possibility--and I get the feeling that's the attitude my therapist had when I told him this (and more). But...I've given it a lot of thought. In some cases, I'm probably being overly cautious. But, even so, there are valid grounds for concern with some people.

Valid point, and it's always been my expectation that if I were to date that I'd be open about that relationship.

But, as things stand, it's not realistic to even think about dating. Not with where my life is right now.

Theoretically, yes, I might be able to find a boyfriend. But--given my current realities--I don't think I can get the sort of boyfriend I'd want. I think most quality guys would take one fast look at my liabilities (e.g., lousy cash flow. limited prospects, etc, etc), and immediately scream: "NEXT!!!!!"