The right therapist/meaningful therapy experiences

I think there is a lot of confusion (often created by therapists themselves) about what therapy can and cannot do. Everyone hopes for a "breakthrough" moment where the clouds part and an answer suddenly appears. People used to ascribe such moments to God or previously hidden psychological forces (e.g., Jung's "collective unconscious") but now the assumption is that therapists orchestrate such moments and that those moments are the point of therapy, which is false. I think therapists are useful when you're struggling with confusion over motivations, desires, directions, etc., in helping clarify things for and providing a new perspective on their clients' struggles. I don't think "aha" moments are the goal or should even be sought. The breakthrough moments come as you live your life, perhaps in conjunction with therapy. Maybe a good analogy is getting physical therapy for a broken leg and wanting someday to run a four-minute mile ... the therapy starts you on your way but you still need to put in the time and effort training and perhaps competing. So, were I you I would get out into the world at large and start dating men, women, whatever, who interested me ... put your desires into practice and see what happens ... don't judge yourself but try to use such experiences, whether good or bad, as opportunities to gain valuable information about yourself and others that you can then talk about with your therapist.

As for meds, I have personal experience taking Zoloft for anxiety and mild depression, which I found to be helpful to cope with particularly down moments. The SSRI's have side effects such as loss of libido and weight gain that suck, so I tried to keep the dose to the minimal clinically effective and I tapered off slowly when I went off in order to avoid withdrawal symptoms ... worked well. There are also different types of benzos out there for various anxiety symptoms and these can be quite helpful because they often act very quickly ... they are addictive however and doctors are often very reluctant to prescribe them.

I hope that helps and best of luck!

 

Women, especially, should be aware of one potential, possibly life-altering side-effect of SSRIs: Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD). Sufferers have been known to commit suicide, and there seems to be no effective treatment.

 

for me, i can honestly way that i have been in the same boat you are in. i think when you know you are one or the other (gay or straight) things are a bit easier to accept. however, when you feel like you're stuck in the middle or there may be a "chance" to avoid that sort of guilt and shame that often comes with accepting your own homosexuality, sometimes that "chance" of being straight and having what others would consider a "normal" life, becomes all too tempting to want to cling to. by not moving forward either way, you try and buy yourself time for experiencing what you think will be ultimate worst-case scenario..... if you move forward with a woman and it doesn't work out or if you still end up thinking about guys then, you'll feel horrible and if you move forward with guys, come out, put yourself out there, only to find out that being with guys is not what you thought it would be..then now what???? either way seems to be so frightening and stakes seem so high that it is very tempting to stand still. the problem with standing still and avoiding is that you never really ultimately avoid. the years will keep passing by and before you know it you will look up and you will be in the same spot wondering, ok, now what. meanwhile everyone else is moving on with their lives. making choices both for that they want for their future. i say this because i know from first hand experience that when I was 33 I was asking myself these same questions that I am at 41. Time is moving on and we do not get a 2nd go at living our lives. of everything you said, the one thing that stood out was "i know i'm not straight, but have not been able to fully accept that I'm gay.that was the a-ha moment right there. I'm not fully able to accept that I am gay. My own personal depression, my own personal isolation, my own personal darkness stems from this very thing....I am not able to accept I am gay. The mind is a funny thing, by not accepting, a way to protect oneself from guilt and shame is to even block out the thoughts or possibilities of thinking about guys. You said: "It doesn't feel real to me; I don't find myself attracted or interested in men". Could that be your own personal way of blocking the ultimate outcome of dealing with the attraction. I used to think the same way too. I would avoid any thoughts about guys I saw. No I could not be gay. If i say gay couples, I would say to myself, "see, that's not you. you don't look like that, you would not be like those guys...". If i saw a guy that was attractive, i would immediately shift my mind to something else and deny internally i even found him attractive. one day i gave myself permission to notice guys i liked. i gave myself a free pass of guilt just for a moment. "ok, if i go into this grocery store, i give myself a free shame-pass to think a guy is cute. once im out the store, the pass is over, and im back to my avoidance self." when i did this, i had so much fun because for that brief 10 or 15 minutes when i was in the store, i could be ok with myself and not judge and hate myself. i started therapy looking for the therapist to diagnosis me as gay or straight or bi. but what i did not realize is that i already knew/know the answer, but did not want to ACCEPT the answer. all of the angst, the anxiety, the depression, the confusion were and are self imposed roadblocks (for me i can only speak) that I put in the way to derail myself from ultimately getting to acceptance. I'm a bit sad to say i'm still not there yet but i do realize now what i have been doing. i dont think anyone but you can tell you what you are. only you know that. sexuality itself is not black or white. many of us on are on a scale. the real question is what you do you want now. who are you most interested in this moment of exploring dating with. if that is a man, then great. if that is a woman, then great. start there and just see where things go. but all the what ifs really only delay your process. i think deep down inside we all know who we are attracted to. there's no guess work with attraction. you either are or you are not. actually that is a easy part. i think the thing that is the hard part if sorting through what that attraction will mean for your life and what society may say about it and how to accept what may not be conventional. i think that's the hard part and you will get there for sure. keep doing what you're doing. you're taking awesome steps and doing the needed work to get to a place of comfort regarding your sexuality.

 

That such a good exercise early 40's! Thank you so much for sharing it.
I to have all these feelings of guilt and shame when allowing myself to exhibit outwoards female mannerisms and gestures, just because I know that physically I am not there yet, and that people will judge, but it is me who is the most unforgiving judge of them all, and mentally crucify myself each time I act as I would be comfortable to. Because " What is everyone going to say ?". I just can't seem to be able to say ( and believe it) " screw them all, do what makes you happy".
Only recently I have allowed myself to do some of it in private, and it feels so good, but the self accusations are still crippling.

 

Just thought I'd chime in since I'm a fellow Masshole...

I went to a gay therapist and he did nothing for me. I was just billable hours to him.

Went to a lesbian therapist and she was great. So go figure.

If you want to get something out of therapy, make a list of goals and a timeline of when to accomplish them, share them with your therapist and when you both agree on the lists, use them as a guide.

 

Interesting posts. While guilt and shame are definitely important issues, I also struggle with the fact that when you're gay there are so fewer choices in life to lead what I would call for lack of a better term a "normal" life ... stable home life, not cheating on each other, moving ahead together. Yes, it's possible, but much more difficult to find with gay men. I think this reality also causes a lot of guys to sit on the fence with their sexuality.