I am a twenty five year old male and I am gay. Please bear with me, but I have some concerns to vent that I have never shared before. I feel like I am swimming in an ocean full of the lies I have created. I have known that I am gay for sure for ten years. I have done everything I can think of to try and change myself. I have begged, demanded, and pleaded with god to show me the way. I have screamed at god in rage and despair to show me how to be normal. No answer. I have hidden and distanced myself from every single person I have ever loved due to my fear and shame. I have wholeheartedly attempted to teach myself to be attracted to women. My self induced isolation has pained those that love me and has confused then as well. I feel as though I have been brainwashing myself since I was a child and I'm starting to doubt that there is a way out of this hell. In am tired of torturing myself with resistance, and those that love me with distance. I am so used to feeling alone that depression feels like home. Can I do this? Can I come out? Will I be even more alone? I know the true answers to these these questions, yet they are still present in my mind. The idea of not being lonely seems like a far fetched and barely visible concept in my mind. I know that I have basically been venting during this post, but my frustration has been building for far too long. For those who are reading this, thank you for taking the time. For those of you who have struggled to prove to your self that it is okay to be gay and have succeeded, please let Me know how you did it. I am at a loss.
Lookingforpeace... Your username is truly excellent. I can't guarantee you'll find peace here but I think you're in the right place to get started. There is always a way out and a path forward. It may not be easy at times but please know you have so many people rooting for you. If you visit the "Later in Life" area of the forum you will find many, many people who have gone through similar things (not to say that the rest of the forum isn't helpful because it absolutely is) as the Later in Life section frequently includes folks who've been married, had children, lived hetero-normative lives for sometime decades. There is no shame in having denied your sexuality or for trying to live a "normal" life. It's a part of life and discovering who you are. The people you feel you've pushed away may still be there. You may have a bit of work to do to repair the relationship but you should try. You'll be amazed at how understanding people are once you start trying to reconnect. You don't even have to tell them that you are gay - still start trying to redevelop the friendship and go from there. If it helps, I'm a 28 year-old hetero married woman with three children. I struggle everyday with my sexuality because I can't express it and I can't tell anyone but I know that someday I will so that pulls me through when things look dark. Please hang in there and keep posting. We'll help you through this!
Perchance all your prayers and wishes towards "God" have gone unanswered because you are how "he made you" ^^ As the bible states we are made in his image, nothing ill could be wrought by his hands yes? it is societies fault for making you feel like a "monster". Your depression may stem from the fact you're trying to hide who you are... I know mine went away when I "came out". There are also alot of fish in the sea & not all will go with the same flow of your river ^^ but there will always be ones who do
Welcome! I'm 26 and have only come to terms with who I am over the course of the last year. You're certainly not alone. I hope you find EC to be as helpful for you as it's been for me!
I join to what others said, and I want to add some things of my own, just keep in mind I do not believe in god but I do respect people who do. I heard a very known religious person who believes in the old bible, saying that if a guy is gay, then god prefer him to continue being gay and find someone he can spend his life with and be happy, because for god, its more important for u not to be alone and sad than try to hopelessly convert yourself and be miserable. thats his own words, not mine! he really believe being gay is NOT a sin if one didn't chose it (and gay ppl obviously don't chose to be gay). You can always reach out to an LGBT community, like EC, but only in RL, where u can meet people and maybe make a few friends, so u won't feel that being alone is a far fetched goal, because it isn't Welcome to EC (*hug*)
Thank you so much, I appreciate the support. It has been two years since my original post and I have learned a lot since then. Your comments have warmed my heart and I plan on paying it forward. Thanks for giving me hope.
Why so long, lookingforpeace? Have you come to an understanding and acceptance of your sexuality in that timeframe?
What's "NORMAL" for one person is different for another. It has taken many years for me to figure that out. Hang in there because you are not the only one that has felt the feelings that you described in your post, I promise you that!
