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Life in the closet at 30

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by okccpdude, Apr 30, 2016.

  1. okccpdude

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    For those who have not come out to anybody, how would you describe your life and the quality of your relationships? It is a mere issue of not being able to seek out a partner or does it affect all aspects of your life?

    The closet was easy in high school, college, and early twenties. For those who have read my past posts, I came out completely at 23 but went back in at 25 due to the most extreme reaction from my fundamentalist parents possible. I did the reparative therapy thing for a few years but have since accepted that this is never going to change.

    However, I have not been able to take that step out of the closet because of the repercussions it would have with my family and in my conservative environment. At 30 it's getting harder and harder to keep up the charade. My circle of friends is dwindling as everybody gets married, moves away, or just gets on with their life. Meanwhile, it's difficult for me to meet new people and create my own life when I have to hide who I really am. I go through the day to day motions of life but nothing has any real meaning. Most of the time I just drink alone in front of my computer, as I have for the past 5 years or so. Can anybody else relate to this who have stayed in the closet a little later in life?
     
    #1 okccpdude, Apr 30, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2016
  2. Chip

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    Hey,

    I took a brief read through your earlier posts to get some context. The situation you find yourself in is completely untenable, and drinking to control your feelings puts you at enormous risk of a lifetime of alcohol dependency.

    You said in one of your earlier posts that you feel like you don't have any options for another five years, and my concern is that in five years, your emotional state and alcohol dependency may have deteriorated so far that it may be even more difficult for you to bounce back and have a normal life.

    I've never been in your situation, but I can imagine how lonely and difficult it must feel, especially since you've been out and had a relationship with a guy. To ask someone who's already acccepted who they are to go back into the closet (not to mention all of the reparative therapy crap) is simply inhumane.

    If you're comfortable doing so, can you share a bit more about what's getting in the way of your getting out of there earlier (like... next month? :slight_smile: This honestly feels like an incredibly toxic situation and I am concerned that the daily hit on your emotional well being will have a toll on not just your emotional health but your physical health as well.

    The unfortunate thing here is the bigotry and ignorance your parents are showing. Deep down, they probably know that the reparative therapy didn't really work, but they can't bring themselves to reconcile their bigoted beliefs with who you actually are... and unfortunately, it sounds like they've raised you with a lot of manipulation and have learned exactly how to play those cards (the suicide threat, for example) to get their hooks into you and try to control you.

    So the challenge is going to be learning to in this case take what you need... which means getting the hell out of there, even if it means working a bullshit job in a more accepting city as a temporary measure.

    You've made every reasonable effort to get your parents to understand, and you've been manipulated into going through hell with the reparative therapy crap. At this point, you owe your parents absolutely nothing... and if you want to really look at it, they owe you a fortune for all the mental anguish they put you through. But the reality is, you likely have to cut your losses. It isn't worth waiting until they die for you to live your life, and if you do, I suspect that you'll have enormous regret.

    You've made Herculean effort here to appease them and they haven't moved even an iota. So I'd suggest it's time to let go and live the life you deserve.
     
  3. Dntor

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    Hi okcpdude
    I am 30 living in the closet, but have never come out unlike you who did, but went back in.
    You are right In the early days it’s easy, still hooked up with girls here and there, lots of friends it was great, but the last few years has gotten harder as people move away, get married, life just happens Here I am still single, living like I am 18 so sacred to grow up and petrified off coming out.
    My parents hate gay people and we are close, think some of my best mates know, but I know things will change when I tell them, my true best mate does not know and telling him will change everything I don’t wanna lose him.

    Also feel it’s much harder now, later in life, feel like I have missed those fun party years of the 20s when I should be dating and relationships but I didn’t come out. So I just avoided relationships and just partied and odd make out here and there.
    But yeah now I feel it’s too hard plus my self-image of myself isn’t great making it harder for me to be confident and 10 years since been in a relationship though never being with a guy, feel like its to late now and my view of myself isn’t great either that never helps.

    My life has been good, I travel a lot with mates all over the world it’s a great time but I feel I might be doing this to fill a hole, I am happy for now, but these trips will so get less and less and I will be alone, I feel like been alone for so long I am used to this life and happy, but more so I might just be comfortable than happy. I have never been one to chase or feel like I need to be in a relationship ad always had lots of friends but with them dropping that need for cotact is still there.

    For me it’s the last year or so that I feel it’s gotten hard and starting to think about what I should do Yes I should come out but everything will change and I not ready for that, but I need to be and need to hurry up.

    Sorry this is about you not me but you asking that question has got me thinking.

    Sitting at the computer is not a good idea though I have turned to food over the years so we all have our vice but it can become a big dark hole really quickly

    Worrying about what people think is and should never stop you doing who what u are and In many aspects of my life I have done that expect the biggest most important part its strange.

    Your family here is the biggest hurdle and can see how it’s made it really hard for you coming out then going back in that is crazy.

    Also meeting people is SO hard when you are older not like school and uni, now everyone has their little group and it’s so hard to get involved or have the time to hang to grow that bond.

    And meeting people to be with is evener harder especially when u not true to yourself.

    Sorry for going all over the shop I hope you can find a way with your family
     
  4. Tomás1

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    I'm bi, & older... but your post touched me. I think the most important thing is to be honest. It starts w yourself, and then extends to others, including your parents. Without truth, you're living a lie. It doesn't mean u have to come out to every single person, but u do need to be honest with those closest to u. It's risky - but life is risky, or you're living in a shell. If u come out to someone, & they don't love u even more, for being authentic, they don't have an authentic love for u - they're wrapped up in their own judgments.

    Living a lie, ur not living your life - ur pretending ur someone other than who u really are. U want to be dating guys, finding out who you like, extending yourself, caring ... & loving others.

    U might consider moving across the country - to start a new life! I've done that a few times, from PA, to CO, to AZ, & finally to CA. One time I changed my nickname. U can be who u want to be. When ur yourself, and u meet someone new, u immediately know if there's a connection or not - no pretending or denial necessary.

    Good Luck!!!
     
    #4 Tomás1, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  5. Kevin240

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    I didn't come out til I was 32, for fear of what my family and friends would say. Also, I work in a very macho profession where homophobia is rampant despite all the rules and regs about nondiscrimination. When I finally did come out, it was because I fell in love with an amazing guy and wanted a chance for a life with him.

    And yeah, the worst happened. My parents shunned me and have cut me completely out of their lives. At work, my partner and close friends stood by me and had my back...but there's been so much BS from people I barely know that I've decided to retire in a year when I have my 20 in and pursue a different career.

    So yeah...not exactly smooth sailing, but you know what? It was the best decision I ever made. I have a real life now, out in the open. I'm now married to that guy I mentioned, and we have an amazing baby girl. Despite all the pain and turmoil of losing my family and, in a sense, my career...I have zero regrets. For the first time in my life, I'm content and comfortable. I'm not sure how to describe what I feel inside...IDK, it was like going from living in black and white to suddenly have my world burst out in technicolor.

    IDK what to tell you. Bottom line? It's a matter of balancing out what you want with what you're willing to do to get it. I hope you can find a balance that leaves you more fulfilled.
     
  6. faustian1

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    You see your safety net of friends dwindling, as people you know get married and drop their prior friendships (guys, especially, do this). And as Chip mentioned, drinking too much to deal with this can lead to problems, as many gay people abuse alcohol, self-medicating to deal with their stresses.

    Both of these things happened to me. I don't drink anymore, which made things I needed to do a whole lot clearer, and I can't emphasize enough how much better I feel.

    I struggle a lot with my social life, even today. However, the more I try to be around people who are positive and who reflect my values, the better it does get.

    Please consider that by drinking in front of the computer, you may be reflecting the consequences that you are feeling right back on yourself. In other words, you may be stressed that other people are mistreating you, and by doing this you could be helping them make it worse.

    You may have to leave your environment behind, if it is taking such a toll. I detoured through 20 years of my life, just because I was lost and doing similar things.


    BTW, if you are concerned about drinking, search for "WQD Forums" on google. This will lead you to a self help website that has a lot of good information about drinking and what to do about it when it gets to be a bigger problem.
     
  7. okccpdude

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    Thanks for the replies.

    In terms of the drinking I can still go days without it so I don't think I am dependent, but I agree that its a harmful pattern. Thing is, I do it because its my only real way to escape and feel like myself for a few hours, as well as transport myself back to a simpler time.

    With my parents, there is no hope. My only option is to cut ties with them. However, that is easier said than done. I was always close with them as a child and even into my young adult years up until I came out the first time. Since going back in the relationship has been somewhat restored but they are still mistrustful of me. Having to cut ties with my own flesh and blood is a hard pill to swallow. Of course, if I do it they will place the blame on me and my choices. They do not accept that homosexuality isn't a choice. They believe anybody who experiences same-sex attraction must seek a therapist to change or remain single for life. The worst part is my dad is a pastor and in their church, my actions reflect back on him because if a child sins, the father is partially at fault for poorly raising them. Plus, my dad is likely to face significant backlash from other members of the church simply for having a gay son, no matter his opinion on the matter. This is a lot of weight on my shoulders.

    In addition, over two decades of anti-gay IFB preaching doesn't just leave you overnight. While for the most part I know anti-gay conservatives are misusing the Bible to justify their hate, there is still a part of me that feels that God will punish me if I come out. In fact when I came out before, I got fired from my job soon after, my computer motherboard fried, and I came down with pneumonia. My parents attributed this to God punishing me. For this I will likely need to see a licensed therapist, but that's also expensive and I will need to make sure I see somebody who is LGBT friendly.

    Moving away would be preferable, but its not doable right now, mostly for financial reasons. I am going to have to wait four years until I get my car paid off before I can do it, which will happen in 2020. My ONLY option with the car is to stop making the payment and let it be repossessed. I keep going back and forth on whether or not this would be worth it or not as I will have to deal with the fallout for seven years until I can get my credit restored. It could hurt my chances at getting a job or place to live if I were to move to a bigger city. Also part of that equation would be having to drop a few grand on a beater that would likely need expensive maintenance, delaying my ability to move.

    Even if I were to move away, that wouldn't solve the issue of my family and how to handle this with them. Unfortunately because of Facebook and social media, the world is too small now and having a hidden life is much more difficult. I went back in the closet prior to moving back to my hometown and my parents were helicoptering me from 1200 miles away. I don't think moving away again would really fix that.

    I guess right now, I have three options.

    - Come out of the closet where I live, disown my family, and try to live my life here albeit with social consequences due to the very conservative culture in my town
    - Default on my car loan, save for a year, and move away. With this option, I would still have to disown my family and I would also have financial and career barriers, but I could be in a more accepting city
    - Continue what I have been doing for the past four years; wasting my life away not living it, but having a clean conscience and close relationship with my family.

    A good saying is that sometimes the only way forward can mean no way back, and for me that describes where I am. That is a frightening prospect to be honest.
     
    #7 okccpdude, May 3, 2016
    Last edited: May 3, 2016
  8. Randomguy111

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    My friend, you've been through a lot and you've not had the support to make it any easier, if those three options truly are your only choices then you need to do what you think will make you the happiest. You can't keep waiting for things to get better on their own. It sounds like moving away however hard it might be finicially will give you the distance and space you need to get your head in order.

    Cutting ties with your family won't be easy but if they refuse to accept you for who you are then the tie is already somewhat cut. And who knows in time they might come around.

    I'm personally an atheist so I can't relate to the idea of god punishing you, from an outsiders view of religion I think they all say a similar message of love and acceptance not judgment and prejudice. Also how it reflects on your dad is a courtesy he has refused to show you, maybe the pressure of the narrow minded people around him might force him to think diffetently .

    Facebook can be deleted or at least frozen so you can start again with no one to keep tabs on you.

    Stay strong brother and don't afraid to be selfish! Its your life and you have more of it to live than your parents do
     
  9. okccpdude

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    I agree I cannot wait around for things to get better on their own because they will not. Moving is ideal but I simply have no way to accomplish it right now. After moving back to my hometown, I made some bad financial decisions such as purchasing a new car among other things to try to make the situation more bearable but what I actually did is I trapped myself here. Now, my only realistic option, as hard as it is, is to wait it out.

    I don't see them ever coming around. There is no overstating how anti-gay that they are. I would say even Fred Phelps himself, judging by some things he said before his death, has a softer heart than my dad.

    Homophobia is deeply ingrained in the culture of where I live and the attitudes here reinforce his belief that he is right. When I was out before, he told one of the other pastors at the church and a few close friends and they all stood behind him and encouraged him to not give in and to stand his ground.

    There is a gay community in my town but its closeted and centered around a few out of the way, seedy bars. I am not the most extroverted person and such bars are not the kind of place where I am likely to meet like-minded people, but it might be a good place to start.

    Completely agree. It's my life, not my parents' As much as I love them, I need to keep that in perspective. However, its difficult because when I came back before my dad told me that I have spat in the face of everyone who has ever loved me. That's a hard pill to swallow.
     
  10. thedudeabides

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    Don't let fear rule your life, this is your life take it back. I'm 28 and just came out to close friends and I plan on letting my family know shortly, my family is non religious so I think it will go ok. Can't live a lie anymore I want to find someone to share my life with. You need to do this for yourself you deserve it. I can only begin to understand your situation but in the end if your parents really love you none of the religious stuff will matter. Hate the sin not the sinner right? I hope you do it, there is going to pain but I really think that coming out is the best decision.
     
    #10 thedudeabides, May 10, 2016
    Last edited: May 10, 2016
  11. Calf

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    Give yourself some time for each of your choices and try to imagine what it would feel like to wake up in that version of your future. Really try to live that moment, feel it, see it, smell it.
    Hopefully doing that will help you gain a sense of direction.

    I do have to make one challenge though to the third option. I don't think you can expect a clear conscience from that choice. You will be lying to those around you but most importantly you will be lying to yourself and that is something you can't hide from.

    If none of these options will result in the future you hope for, add another option.
     
    #11 Calf, May 10, 2016
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  12. okccpdude

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    Thanks for this reply. I have done a lot of thinking about my options and have imagined myself in each of them.

    Option #1 I feel is probably my best option for the short and mid-term and is the least risky. I would have to remain discreet in public but I think that is something I can handle. I can start attending a progressive, LGBT-affirming church to start building a new support group. I can try to hide it from my family as long as I can and by the time it does get to them, hopefully I will have enough support from others to be able to see it through and handle the loss.

    Option #2 is optimal for my long-term happiness but it is also the most risky, considering what could happen if things didn't go just so. As bad as my current situation is, it could be much worse and it could end up that way if something unforeseen happened. I could end up either homeless or back actually living with my parents. Even if I defaulted on my debt, I would still have to stay here for a while to save up to move. While this would be best if things worked out in my favor, I don't believe the risks it would involve at the present time is worth it.

    Option #3 is the path of least resistance. It would allow me to keep my family in my life, but living a lie will slowly but surely continue to eat away at me and there is a danger of me becoming a full-blown alcoholic. Option #3 would be easiest short term but is a very bleak future long-term.

    Of course, the ideal situation would be for my parents to have a change of heart on the issue, but I know that isn't going to happen. There are different levels of homophobia and my parents tend towards the Westboro extreme. With that said, it is believed that old man Phelps had a change of heart before he died (and was excommunicated from the church he founded) so if he can come around, anybody can.
     
  13. Calf

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    When it comes to deciding what you need in life and what you want, you sometimes have to make tough choices. It's not an easy call to make but from your posts, it appears that the biggest obstacle between you and your future is your parents. It is clear that you want your parents in your life so the issue falls to do you need your parents in your life?

    It's a tough decision but a parents role is to support their child and facilitate their happiness, not oppress them and make them miserable.

    The idea of finding a friendly church seams like a positive one that could lead to some steps in the right direction but a word of caution there, beware the wolf in sheep's clothing. Make sure their interests are genuinely the same as yours before committing yourself.
     
  14. okccpdude

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    I could deal with my parents disowning me. They won't do that though. They will actively work at doing everything they can to make my life as miserable as they can make it. I got fired from my job shortly after coming out last time and my mom sent me a test message telling me that God caused it as an act of punishment. My dad then called me and told me that I better get used to getting fired from jobs because "nobody wants to work with f*gg*ts." A few months later my mom told me she wished I had never been born. Every day I was sent Bible verses about God sending people to hell.

    The most difficult part is the pain it would put them through and having to watch them disintegrate. It's hard to comprehend, but to them, me being gay makes me worse than Adolf Hitler. If I am out of the closet, my very existence makes them ashamed to have even brought me into this world.

    My only option with my parents would be to disown them, and not subject myself to their manipulation. In reality it is they who are the bullies and the bad guys in this situation, but they don't see it that way. From their perspective, I am the bad guy because I have chosen to indulge in what they consider to be the most abominable of sins. Just thinking about this right now is giving me second thoughts and making me want to just go with Option 3. I cannot do this to somebody I love.

    I completely agree. In my area, joining a progressive church, such as the UCC, is probably the only alternative to a gay bar for meeting other LGBT people and allies. Before I make any decision regarding my parents, I have to have people in my life who will support me, which is something I currently do not have. There is a UCC in my town that I am thinking of trying out.
     
    #14 okccpdude, May 10, 2016
    Last edited: May 10, 2016
  15. Calf

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    Reading this made me feel sad and angry at the same time. I can't believe anyone could do such hurtful and destructive things to anyone, let alone their own child, and call it love. The people that spread that kind of hatred and fear 'in the name of god' will never find peace so long as they live that lifestyle and choose not to open their minds to the truth.
    The problem with parents is that no matter how terrible they are, there is always a part of us that loves them, it's a cruel trick of nature.
    Once you allow yourself to be free from all of this toxic negativity, you will be able to find true unconditional love in your life. When you really love someone the only boundaries should be the ones that you create yourself, through respect. You deserve to be loved for being who you really are, for reaching your potential in life, for experiencing your dreams, for feeling happy for no other reason than just being alive in the moment. I know that sounds a bit hippy but it is possible for everyone and anyone to have that love and you're no exception. I really hope you allow yourself to find it.
    If that is something that your parents can't deal with then it's painful because the love there is one way but you can't stop loving them so don't try. Even if you have to exclude them from your life, at this point it will be them loosing out not you, you may still want to share it with them. Contact may be venomous but you could write to them about your experiences, send pictures or tokens etc, show them how happy you are. Maybe they wouldn't even open them, maybe they would even try to use this to hurt you but at the least they would have to know that it is their choice not to accept your love.
     
  16. okccpdude

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    Thanks for this.

    That may be a good idea to back away but still send them periodic letters letting them know how I am doing. You are right in that they probably either wouldn't open them, or respond in a venomous way. I need a way to convince them that it's their issue, for being so closed minded they won't accept their son simply because he doesn't live up to their expectations in terms of who he loves. Thing is, I've tried this and they responded with "it's not our expectations, its God's expectations." My dad also said on the phone before, "the one thing I ask of my son is that he isn't a sodomite and isn't friends with a bunch of f*gg*ts. I don't think that is too much to ask." This was after I started the transition back in the closet but still had a gay roommate and many gay friends (when I lived in the big city). They successfully convinced me to abandon all of my friends, something I now severely regret. Even that was not enough, as they continued the guilt tripping until I eventually moved back to my hometown.

    I've tried going down the road of convincing them that homosexuality isn't as bad as they think it is and that will not work. They are firmly grounded in what they believe is the truth. Whatever I do, I cannot try to convince them that what they believe about homosexuality is wrong, or that its not a choice. They won't hear it and they believe that anything contrary to what they believe on this topic is of the devil. However, I could come at from the angle of knowing they don't approve and how the feel about it, but this is how I am and its what makes me happy, and if they refuse to accept that then they don't really love me. I can't let them turn this around and shift the blame to me. After I came out the last time, I remember my grandfather, who is just as bad, called me on my birthday to tell me I am going to hell and that God hates me. At the end of the conversation before hanging up I told him that I loved him and he said "do you? I don't think you do because if you did you wouldn't be a sodomite."

    This is where the "clean conscience" thing comes into play. My family is usually very successful in convincing me that I am in the wrong and that I am the one that is destroying and shaming the family.
     
    #16 okccpdude, May 11, 2016
    Last edited: May 11, 2016
  17. Libra71

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    Okccpdude, i found it very difficult reading your thread, incredible really the level of bigotry in your parents.

    I admire you very much for the love and tolerance you continue to show your parents. To my mind they don't deserve either - and I am saying this as a parent myself. Just because they gave you life does not mean that you owe them anything, least of all unconditional love. hope you can see and accept that.

    Onto the solution you are seeking, please do not consider at all no 3 - it simply isn't an option, you do not want to give your life away like that. Your parents lived a life: they found each, they had you, they followed their beliefs. You also have a right to all that, you have a right to pursue happiness.

    Because of your history with your parents, i also don't think option 1 is your best choice. You need some distance from your parents for a period of time so you can start living your life authentically, without fear that you will get more judgement from them or that you will bump into them on the street.

    So option 2 looks best for me - yet, instead of waiting one year/defaulting on car payments, can you not search for a job in another state and shift sooner? In which case, you keep the car and don't end up with credit problems. You mentioned gay friends, ex boyfriend - can you not get in touch with them, ask if they can help? I know you said you abandoned them but it does not mean they will refuse to help.

    I guess what I am trying to say is don't postpone the move any longer, reach out to people you know in real life, you got skills and are employable - you will be able to secure a job. In the meantime, developing a support network where you are is a great idea too.

    Wishing you all the best.
     
    #17 Libra71, May 12, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2016
  18. angeluscrzy

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    I would definitely think it's imperative to get away as soon as possible. The damage that your parents are doing to you is incalculable. One of my biggest motivators for wanting to finally be out was the thought of growing old and realizing one day that my life was never truly my own.
    It can be hard to overcome self esteem and confidence issues that we often face by having to keep ourselves in the closet, but also keep in mind that if nobody is lining up to justify how they live their lives (to you), then why the hell should you possibly feel like you owe anyone anything.
    My ex has spewed so much venom at me and to our kids about me wanting to be out, and now I work constantly to provide as a single parent, but honestly I wouldn't trade it for the world. Being able to just live freely and authentically makes it all worth it.
     
  19. okccpdude

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    Do you think leaving a stable job where I am making ends meet and packing up and moving to a metropolitan area with only two months of living expenses would be a risk worth taking? I would also have to sell most of my things as there is no way I could get all of my stuff moved to my new location. I would have to pack what I could in my car and take it.

    My issue with moving is it's beyond difficult to job search when you aren't a local candidate, especially at my career level. When I move, taking a BS job is not an option because I couldn't cover my car payment with it, and in addition, it would take a lot of time I could be spending searching for a job related to my career.

    If things worked out well, I would do this. Quit my job, sell all non-essentials, pack my things in my car and move to Dallas, TX (it's about three hours from my town and its LGBT-friendly), stay in an extended stay hotel and hope I have a job within a month. I could then get my own place and start rebuilding my life. If that is how things ended up, then great. However, what if I run out of money before finding a job? There is a chance I could end up either homeless or actually living under my parents' roof, which would be even worse than things already are. With every life decision, I have to weight the benefit vs the risk. I wasn't good at doing that in my twenties which is how I ended up in my current situation where I am trapped. There is no reversing or bailouts from my past bad decisions, but I can make sure the big decisions I make going forward are the best decisions.
     
  20. Calf

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    I'm not asking this to be difficult but is your car really expensive or is it just that the payment is pushing your overall budget to the limit? I mean, would it not be possible to change your car for one with a cheaper payment plan etc?

    Also I don't know the situation where you live but have you looked to see if there are any LGBT groups that could assist you with moving, by finding accommodation and support etc?

    Some people dive into life without considering risks, others are cautious risk assessors (as I suspect you are) and that isn't something you can change but if you're aware of it, you can work around it. If the risks are too high or the odds stacked against you, instead of having a goal of move to Dallas and get a job, why not have some pre-goals of minimising those risks and pushing the chances of success in your favour. Remember, if you stay as you are, you can only lose.