So here's my situation: I'm 15, in high school with a large group of friends. I've gone to the same school since 6th grade (middle school attached to the high school) and found out that I'm gay at the end of 7th grade. At the time I didn't know it, but I was attracted to a guy in my grade. I had sexual fantasies/dreams about him, but I never thought that he was gay. Well, turned out he was, and I had oral sex with him a few times in 8th grade. At the time, I knew I was gay, but I tried to deny it and pretend to myself that I was straight. He went to a different high school, so that kind of ended, but he lives really close to me and still kind of in my friend group so whenever I see him (in a group setting) it's kind of awkward. I've had sex (oral only) with him a few more times in high school but afterwards I was always left with an intense feeling of guilt (almost nauseating). I don't know why: I'm very liberal, everyone around me is 100% okay with gay people, and at this point I accept my sexuality. But every time I have sex with him (which isn't that often anymore) I feel super guilty afterwards and it really bothers me. So that's my deal; I haven't come out yet (I probably will soon-ish) but I'm very good at hiding it so I sure that no one else knows (besides the boy). Really what I need help understanding is the guilty feeling. Am I guilty that I'm having sex? Am I just feeling really awkward???
You'll probably feel a lot better about everything when you come out. You may not realise how stressed you are about the situation, and the sex just adds to that stress
I remember the first couple of times I had sex with a guy, I felt so guilty. It was like I was so used to trying to act cool or straight in front of guys and scared of them finding out I was gay that I had this intense release of all of those pent up fears when I was intimate with a guy. It sounds like your having a release like that. Like for me, I notice that I feel guilty often after I do something really courageous and new, or something I have been scared to do. A release happens when we have not allowed free expression in some part of our lives, and suddenly we allow it. All of the emotions that have kept us from allowing ourselves to be real like guilt, shame, fear ect. actually leave our body. Its part of the body healing. Imagine a pipe that hasnt had water running through it. It builds up alot of dirt. When suddenly water runs through it again, the first thing that happens is all the dirt gets washed out. Just know that that is what it is, and let all those feelings leave. It's imortant to know that because if you don't understand it's a release, it's easy to start thinking all those guilty feelings actually mean you have done something wrong. Thats not the case. It means you did something courageous and you are healing.
Wow thanks! That makes a lot of sense, I think you're right. I really should come out (I really want to), but it's complicated at school.
I can relate! This forum is a really good place to practice and get the support you need. Feel free to message me. You can do it piece by piece and person by person... or you can go big and do it all at once. It's a good time to come out. Your lucky. It was alot harder when I was your age but that doesnt mean its always going to be easy. So... be easy with yourself. When you feel guilty, make a list of all of the courageous things you have done, and how far you have come, then celebrate yourself. I forgot to mention, that guilt won't be there forever. Keep being you and the guilt will naturally go away.
