accepting but moving on

If you were born gay with SSA, then it was part of God's plan. Even if you believe you have SSA because of nurture, it is still part of God's plan. Why are you fighting God's plan?

 

Hi Razorsharp

I'm unsure if this is a good place to ask about celibacy, but the church ofc heavily promotes that as the real "solution". Through the years many have sought the help of the church with these feelings, and the history books have many many records that tell of people who struggled in vain against the temptations of the flesh, throughout their life. You cannot disperse it through women, you will only drive your woman mad with heartbreak while she thinks of nothing but you.

I'm terribly sorry that you are bound by the consequences that would affect your family as you mention. Would you mind explaining to me why you show them this loyalty, there can be so many reasons I think. What would it harm if you decided to choose to follow the path you've been put on?

I hope you don't mind me asking to it, but I'm sure it's good to talk with people even if you feel like talking with "professional" people as well. Best wishes & take care.

 

Razorsharp, you'll have to look up some gay conversion websites on the internet even though they have a 100% failure rate. The most they can help you with is to limit your attraction to the same sex but they won't help you develop attraction to the opposite sex.

My advice however is not to waste your time trying to change something you have no control over as this is not good for your mental health.

 

My guess is that since you are using the term "SSA" you have been exposed to some of the ex-gay community. That community is a toxic community that tries to change people that do not fit into their mold. In recent years, we have seen many ex-gay communities shut down because of how toxic they are.

This is something that I have heard from many different Christians. There is a chance that it could be a test. It may not be a test for you though. If God is a truly accepting God, then what if it is a test for your family? Those verses that people throw around saying they are anti-gay are really not. People just interpret things the way that they want to, and do not do the research to back it up.

When your truly accept, there is moving on. But that moving on involves being your authentic self. The reason that you cannot not move on is that you are still trying to suppress yourself. You have to be who you truly are, and not who your family wants you to be.

 

Have you tried praying? Not in the "Please God - take this away", but rather "God, here is where I am at, I bring myself before you".

I think for me in my own faith, it was only when I couldn't run away from my gay feelings anymore and in desperation I cried out to God, that I began to feel peace.

Echoing what others have said, I felt God very firmly telling me "this is you, and this is how I made you".

 

Read the post in LGBT later in life. Read my post - my 4 months of hell because I pretended for 23 years - actually even longer as I knew in junior high school. You cannot have your cake and eat it too - because eventually it will eat you up inside. Believe me.. therapy, depression drugs, anxiety drugs, obsessive exercise, two marathons trying to run from it, prayer groups, safe web surfing filters, retreats to find myself...... you must get where I am going with this... ALL of these things I tried for 20+ years to suppress my gay or SSA feelings and it just doesn't work. I was born this way. Admit it - don't pull another person into this if you already know unless you like standing in front of your girlfriend/wife years from now and they are in tears telling you "you will never know the amount of pain and hurt you have caused me.". If that doesn't bother you then keep living the lie - otherwise, do yourself and everyone you love a favor and accept who you are. Good luck

 

I am writing this for the benefit of our membership who will be reading this thread more than I am for razorsharp whose responses to our posts have been as predictable as ever.

The term "same-sex attraction" is a pernicious and destructive way to describe us. George Orwell, in his brilliant book, 1984 wrote that the way to control people's minds and thinking is to control their language.

No one, outside of the gay "therapy" world (and this includes NARTH, razorsharp), uses that term. It is a very specific way to target and diminish us, and here is how it is done:

1) start with making sure the word "sex" is in the definition of who we are (playing on the ambiguity of sex as gender vs. the sexual act)

2) by making sure the word "sex" is in there to describe us, the focus will be on sex, the act. It is unavoidable, being such a highly charged word.

3) use the word "sex", in the context of homosexuality to invoke disgust in those who are straight, or those who are gay but can't accept it.

4) by using the word "sex" you define and constrain all thinking of us to only the sexual act, it completely denies our capacity for relationship and for love.

5) by spouting off this nice, apparently neutral and scientific-sounding term: "same-sex attraction", it all sounds so clinical...sort of like a disease, or some kind of calamity that needs to be taken care of, like psoriasis, or athlete's foot...cute.

OP: we're on to you on this, I refuse to use the (propaganda) term "SSA", and refute your assertion that I am merely sexually attracted to members of my own sex. I am capable of much more than that (as are you), I have the capacity to form loving relationships with guys who love guys...Coming from the likes of those who would deny my existence, I'd rather hear the term faggot than "SSA", it's a far more interesting word, and far more honest.

 

Another thing I would add would be that much as we love family and have known them all of our lives, we should not view them as gatekeepers of our own happiness and well being. You may genuinely feel love for one another, but this does not mean therefore that your family should be given the power to dictate how you should live your life. It is your life, which you are going to have to live with for the next 50 years or so. You deciding to be celibate or to accept your gay feelings has to come on YOUR OWN TERMS - and nobody else's.

 

Thanks, Greatwhale et al. I'm new here at EC, and reading a lot, and it just feels like home! With "real" family. @Razorsharp: I'm 54 years old, and feel qualified to suggest that human humility is perhaps something that many sadly lack; my personal view.......human behaviour can be factored down to 2 things, fear or love. It's an interesting think.....might help. Lastly, seems to me that as long as one is "playing God", one is not "understanding God". I hope you find peace. All the best!

 

Thanks greatwhale for educating us about this term. Now I feel bad about when I identified as bi-sexual with strong same sex attraction. I had no clue about the connotation of this term. Apologies to the EC community for this complication :newcolor:

 

Wow...this is such a fantastic post. All of it was great and I particularly love the sentences above. Thank you for writing this.

 

If there is any best point to be gained from this thread, it is that sometimes we are attracted to PEOPLE who inconveniently (to hetero-normative conventions) have the same sexual organs that we do. Not necessarily because they have the same plumbing, but because we simply love who they are, the totality of the person's appearance, and behavior, and spirit, and the feeling that the attraction is being mutually reciprocated to us in a sort of agape (look it up) kind of unconditional love.

Then there those guys who simply like dicks, and enjoy almost anyone who has one to play with.

If you are one of the former, and you are lucky enough to find someone who is your "soulmate", then your life will be a true tragedy if you let religion, or your birth family's prejudice, or any other kind of fear of change or lack of compliance with social conventions keep you apart.

If you just like dicks, and want to hook up with somebody occasionally for some sexual release sort of thrills, then yeah, you can probably be "celibate" about 99% of the time, and make excuses or ask for forgiveness for the other 1% time, or just creep into the bathroom with a magazine and relieve yourself alone while the wife and kids are asleep, thinking about what you have chosen to deny yourself, to appear "normal".

It sometimes takes a long time to figure out who you are, but once you have done so, there is no point in denying it to put on a show for other people whom you think will not like the reality of it; usually they figure it out anyway, sooner or later. "Moving on" is not pretending that what is true isn't true; it is accepting it and aligning your behavior with the reality of who you are, and informing the people in your life who matter what that reality is, and hope THEY will be able to accept and understand, that this reality is not under your control, or theirs; that it is not your fault or theirs, and they will be at peace with that, and continue to love you unconditionally for who you really are. Like it or not, yourself is the only person you can really be.

 

I respect you because you are trying to come to terms with your sexuality. You are genuinely conflicted between your religion and family and being gay. You basically have 2 paths, and both are difficult. One path is difficult initially then gets easier over time. The path you have chosen is easy initially then gets more difficult over time. It's easy to be celibate - don't engage in sexual relationships. Complications arise because you'll be lonely and your body needs sexual releases. Will you engage in masturbation? If so, what do you fantasize about? If you fantasize about other guys or watch gay porn, then the desire will build up over time. You will feel a deep sense of sadness and longing when you see a cute guy. By the time you reach middle age, you may begin to question your choice. This was my experience on this path.

 

They only call it same sex attraction because it is framed as an issue, a sin to be overcome, and not an identity. Within this worldview, nobody is actually ever gay, they only suffer from temptation to varying degrees just like everyone else. People who claim to be "born gay" have just chosen to give up fighting their temptations, or were exposed to someone who deceived them into thinking it was okay, or they choose to turn their back on God's word in order to pursue "worldly" pleasures.

This act of rebellion is called living the "gay lifestyle"; basically the actions taken by anyone who chooses to believe that their same sex thoughts are okay to explore, even just in thought. Framed in this way, it is incredibly difficult to break free of this idea of thinking as anything used to affirm that homosexuality is okay in any way is dismissed as destructive. Even something as simple as the idea that this won't go away immediately causes cognitive dissonance.

You're correct; there is no easy solution. Any "choice" you make will be a difficult one and will be painful for yourself and someone close to you, regardless if you continue to be celibate or "accept and affirm" your attractions. From reading your responses and the comments from the community here that have been where you are, you seem to be fundamentally misunderstanding how sexuality works. Maybe it's because of your religious convictions; maybe you're not at a point where you're open to understand the differences. It's okay; I wasn't for a long time and I still struggle with these issues.

I'm not sure what else I can add to the conversation that everyone hasn't already said. I don't feel you'll find the answers you're looking for in asexuality because that isn't how asexuality works.

 

razorsharp,

There are no easy answers to be found anywhere on this forum. I think everyone can agree to that!

I am a Christian fwiw.

Do NOT marry without first disclosing all of this information to your potential partner. Period.

Otherwise it appears you have a choice:
1. Live a life of celibacy. Tremendously difficult, but a Christian should not expect a struggle-free life. He should expect hardships. He should believe that enduring thru the hardships deepens his relationship with God.

2. Embrace what your convictions tell you is a sinful life choice. Not a good plan to violate your convictions.

If you do choose celibacy, do it in worshipful obedience to God. Do not do it to please or maintain peace with your family. Do not make an idol out of your family's acceptance. Could it be that your efforts to keep your image with your family intact is coming between you and God?

Perhaps your heart wants to please God by maintaining celibacy..I commend that wholeheartedly! But you will fall from time to time. And don't think for a minute that your effort to stay away from sin is what saves you, lest you make an idol out of your efforts.

Engage in activities that get your mind off of yourself. Serve others. Keep your eyes fixed on modeling Jesus's example. Cultivate a heart that wants to please God (and no one else!). Trust in Christ's work, not yours.

Prayerfully read Romans.