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How do I know if I should stay with my boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bmayne, Mar 10, 2015.

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  1. bmayne

    bmayne
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    So me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year. It's super long distance so I only see him every 3ish months for less than a week. im22 and he's 30. Right when we met we fell in love. I loved everything about him and I thought he was the one. As he did too. Things were great for awhile but a few months ago when I saw him I didint feel the same. I just felt different. And when I left I just felt relieved.
    So he brought up that I seemed different and we talked about it. How I felt less happy and different. He said it came as a shock because he was already planning a trip for us. I was so sad. I felt so bad. He said he still thinks I'm the one. I seriously thought he was too. I wanted to spend my life with him. We decided that we would try to make it work. Give it a chance. I just don't want to hurt him. He's so sweet.

    Did I just fall out of love? Any wisdom or advice?
     
    #1 bmayne, Mar 10, 2015
  2. AngelWings17

    AngelWings17 Guest

    I'm having the exact same problem with my boyfriend of over three years. Sometimes I feel like we're starting to fade. I don't know what I should do.
     
    #2 AngelWings17, Mar 10, 2015
  3. resu

    resu
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    I think it's just because you're so far away and you yourself have probably matured more. It seems the only long distance relationships that last had already a strong connection and a way for the two people to close the distance with a reasonable time. If your timing is correct, that means you've only seen each other 4 times a year, which is hard to sustain any relationship, let alone a new one. I think you should be honest with him and say you might need to take a break until you two can work out a better living and working arrangement.
     
    #3 resu, Mar 10, 2015
  4. bmayne

    bmayne
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    Well I don't quite agree. We had something great and even with the distance it grew and was great. Until recently. I also noticed that I feel like our relationship is better when I'm not there. When I'm away. Why is that?
    When I'm with him I feel whatever. I wanted to leave. But now I'm 3000 miles away I miss him and I want to be with him. Yet the second I'm there I don't feel the same. Why? Is it because i love the idea of him? And not him?
     
    #4 bmayne, Mar 11, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2015
  5. bibiscuit

    bibiscuit
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    thats sad, i feel for you. have you seen him again since the first time u noticed it was 'different'? if not perhaps wait until another meeting before deciding how you feel. there could have been other factors at work last time that meant you had an 'off' day?
     
    #5 bibiscuit, Mar 12, 2015
  6. greatwhale

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    There is, in part, a biochemical basis for this, and it is something everyone should be aware of as they embark on what appear to be "beautiful relationships". There is this chemical called oxytocin which appears to be released during the first flush of a new relationship.

    Problem is, if other compensating factors don't kick in during the first six months or so of the relationship, this chemical actually wears off...

    Your long-distance relationship is a decidedly difficult way to reinforce your relationship and build the foundation for a long-lasting friendship. One can say that the land was excavated with a mechanical shovel (oxytocin), but the foundation was never laid (so to speak).

    If you can accept that the first flush of euphoria will inevitably wear off, for both of you, maybe you can focus on the things that build friendship, such as shared interests, ideals, dreams, humour, etc.
     
    #6 greatwhale, Mar 12, 2015
  7. bmayne

    bmayne
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    I completely understand. And it's sad but I think I agree. The only thing is I don't think my boyfriend feels the same way. I think he thinks it's all fine. And when I brought up how I felt different and we were talking and headed towards breaking up we just ended up in tears, he was talking about how he thought I was the one. And I did too at one point! And how he was planning our next trip together. I was so sad :/

    I just don't know what to do now :/
     
    #7 bmayne, Mar 17, 2015
  8. bmayne

    bmayne
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    I just feel like it would crush him if I told him this. I really don't want to hurt him. When I brought it up last he said he was sad because he thought I was the one. I just feel bad because I don't feel that way anymore ;(
     
    #8 bmayne, Mar 24, 2015
  9. LaEsmeralda

    LaEsmeralda
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    Hi bmayne, sorry things are working out with your partner :frowning2:

    Unfortunately break ups are just a part of life that we all have to go through at some stage. It sucks and it feels terrible but it'll be so much better for you both in the long run. You can both move on and find someone who works better with you, who is hopefully a little closer and who you could see on a more regular basis. As you say, you don't feel that way about him anymore, so this break up is more of a 'when' rather than an 'if' and the longer you delay, the harder it's going to end up being.
     
    #9 LaEsmeralda, Mar 25, 2015
  10. bmayne

    bmayne
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    I just don't know how to do it :/ I'm almost certain he's going to bring it up like he did before. But last time we said we were gonna try to fix it. like talking about it now I'm fine, not sad at all. But I know he's gonna start saying "I thought you were the one". And stuff like that and he might cry a little and that is just gonna bring me down so much. I'm gonna feel like what I'm doing is a mistake. He's 9 years older than me and I just feel so bad because he's had so many boyfriends and I'm the first he's felt so much with. He is my first boyfriend
     
    #10 bmayne, Mar 30, 2015
  11. paris

    paris
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    I think it's probably the 1 year-itch that makes you start asking whether you should stay in or leave the relationship. If I remember it well the "itch" can happen in any year but it's often after 1 year, 3 years and 7 years in a relationship. I think you should be open with your bf and address your worries and discuss how you can rekindle the relationship spark and stuff. His "I thought you were the one" won't help anything, it'll just make you feel more and more guilty so you'll start avoiding him even more. Wishing you all the best.
     
    #11 paris, Mar 31, 2015
  12. headie2infinity

    headie2infinity
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    I think you both need to spend some extended quality time together to really figure out where this is going. Maybe going on a trip together would help you both to really experience a long period of time together. This could bring you closer together or help you really figure out your feelings.
     
    #12 headie2infinity, Mar 31, 2015
  13. bmayne

    bmayne
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    So I just did the math. I've spent about 36 days with him since I met him in October of 2013. Part of me thinks it's not working because most people spend that much time together in a shorter period of time and figure out if it will work. I feel like if I spend that much time with him in 2 or 3 months I might of been feeling the same way. Most of our relationship is over the air. It's through text and a weekly Skype. I'm in the military so j can't really spend too much time away and with him. Is it work trying. I'm sorry I'm so indecisive and asking so many questions but I really appreciate all the input!!
     
    #13 bmayne, Mar 31, 2015
  14. headie2infinity

    headie2infinity
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    I don't think you are being indecisive! Relationships are a constant head and heart struggle so it is very hard I completely understand!
     
    #14 headie2infinity, Mar 31, 2015
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