Let me start by saying that I'm new here. I have tried to figure things out on my own to no avail. I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years. Although he is a good man, I have always questioned if I made the right decision in marrying him. We met in college and after graduation it just seemed like the next logical step. I have always felt that there is something missing. We just don't have that physical connection that I feel a woman should have with her partner. I have always been attracted to women. I have never done anything more than kissing with a woman. About two years ago I had a friend whom I shared a deep connection with. I felt an attraction to her like nothing I have ever felt for my husband or any other man previously. We shared some special moments and kissed/made out several times. I feel guilty about the fact that just kissing her or having her hold my hand did more for me sexually than anything my husband has ever done. I have not been in contact with her for a couple years because I just couldn't handle the guilt I was feeling about the feelings I was having for her. I know that ship has sailed now. But ever since then I find myself, more often than not, thinking about women in a sexual way. I do not know how to approach this subject with my husband at all. He is a great guy, but I just do not know how he will handle this. I often dream about leaving him and starting a new life where I can explore these feelings. I'm scared to death because I am 31 years old. He is really all I have known. I feel like if I was a lesbian I should have figured it out a lot sooner and saved everyone all the trouble. But it's getting to the point that I cannot deny these feelings any longer...
Hey A puzzled Life, welcome to EC! First, you are not alone, this is happening in many marriages, it is unfortunate, sometimes tragic, but what is done, is done. No need to come to any conclusions just yet, post often and read what is here. Many of us have gone through the struggle and are better off for it (including the spouses who finally understood why things were never so great on the sexuality side of things).
Thanks, greatwhale. I can already tell from some of the other threads that it was the right decision to join EC. Seems like a good place to find some people to help talk through some things!
Hey, I am going through the exact same thing in my marriage right now. I told my wife I had sex with guys in the early part of our marriage though. Since then (we have been married 15 years) she has gottenbecome a serious homophobe. I haven't had sex with anyone but her since we started dating and I recently have put it into words with her that I am 100% bisexual. I buried my same sex attraction for years under tons of guilt, shame, and denial. I myself became a homophobe as well. Then my sister came out, and it got me thinking about homosexuality in a different way. I can't control what she does I just have to accept her if I love her. That evolved into accepting myself if I love myself. I nolonger am self destructive and angry. ( I used to have a very violent temper). My wife is still with me because she loves me for me. I in return honor my commitment as a husband. In return she respects me for restraining myself. All relationships must be built on trust. Remember, just because you love people otheer than your husband doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. I find that building simply plutonic relationships that don't involve sex with other guys helps me. If I am attracted to someone other than my wife I choose to distance myself from them because I have already committed to my wife. I definately think you should talk to your husband about it but only you will know if the time is right or not.All good relationships are built on open communication and honesty. I married a woman because that was what I was expected to do. It just so happens that I loved that woman and was sexually atracted to her. Just the same way that I loved and still love my male partner before her. The fact is that you have to decide what moral or ethical restraints you want to place upon yourself in order to love yourself and your life without feeling guilty doing so. It is a hard balance to find but it is possible. It helps talking to others. You have done the right thing by reaching out.
Hi JC, thanks for your thoughts and sharing your story with me. I really admire your commitment to your marriage. I wish that I was in the same position as you, but I am finding it increasingly more and more difficult to keep these desires and feelings locked up. While I do love my husband, unfortunately, I am not "attracted" to him. It's weird because I feel like I used to be. I feel like I am unable to make him happy any longer because I am not there for him physically like a wife should be for her husband. And when I am with him physically, I'm not there with him mentally. My mind is someone else, or rather, with someone else. I feel like it goes beyond being just attracted to women. I often long to be in a relationship with a woman. Sometimes I feel so sure that there is a woman out there for me somewhere. And if I could just meet her, all of this confusion would make sense. But then other times I feel like maybe I just missed my chance and I should tough this out. It's almost as if I'm searching for some giant sign and when it comes I will finally have to courage to tell my husband about this.
Hi Puzzled, I practically wrote the same post as you a month or so back. I'm also in a marriage with a man, but have been sexually involved with a woman for a year or so. There is nothing that compares to being with a woman now and I too find myself adrift in my marriage. It feels weird to have this marriage to a man when you're longing for a woman, right? I still love my husband, just as it seems you do too, but I also think about if I missed out and should just "tough it out" as you said. I don't have any words of wisdom or anything, but just know you're not alone in this journey.
Yes, PNW, it feels very strange to have these feelings for women yet still be married to a man. But at the same time, it feels natural too. I Think the most difficult part of it for me is that its not like he isn't giving me something that I need. He isn't mistreating me. He isn't doing anything wrong, really. But this is just something that is inside of me and I do not know how to handle it. Especially since I have no one to really talk to. All of my friends are his friends, too. I certainly can't go to them with this. I feel myself just kind of going through the motions in my marriage and also in life in general. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be excited about my life AND who I am sharing it with. The part that I am really struggling with is why is this happening now? Why at 31 years old? Why not much much eariler in my life where I could afford to explore my desires.
I know exactly what you're saying, Puzzled. I'm 41 and just figuring this out too. My husband is a great provider, a very nice guy, never has a bad word to say about anyone. He's good to me and our children, but he's not a woman. I don't know where to put my feelings either.
Hi, Puzzled, I am 32, married to a man with two kids and I'm attracted to women. I'm here and working things out in therapy how that works into my life. I feel the way that you describe that the feeling and emotional depth of love with a woman hasn't touched the way my relationships with men have. I think it is safe to say that you might be feeling lonely, confused, scared, and guilty - those are the things that I and others in our positions seem to feel. But first, you're not alone; it happens to a lot of us, and also a lot of women. Even if you don't have anyone in your life to talk to, you're a little less alone with EC, because this is a safe place to browse and read and share. And you have the right to take your time and work through what you're feeling before you have to share anything with your spouse. I am really, really happy you are reaching out to others, and you found us All the hugs (&&&)
Hi Roses, Yes it is safe to say that I feel all of those things. It's eye opening to see that there are other women out there that feel the same way as I do. I don't want to say it makes me feel relieved (because I don't wish these feelings on anyone), but relief is probably the most accurate description. For SO long I have felt like there is something wrong with me. Like I am going crazy or something. Unlike you, I do not have any children with my husband. I can't imagine the added guilt that you feel when you add children into the mix. For a long time I thought that I didn't want kids. But I think keep down I know that if I were truly happily married I would feel differently. And I know it's not fair to him to be married to a woman who feels this way. Maybe therapy could do me some good as well. Has it been working well for you? Thank you for your kind and comforting words. Truly, they mean a lot.
Hi Puzzled. Well, turned out for me that my therapist referred me to a trauma specialist so I can work through some of that before I move forward on my identity. I most closely identify as lesbian, but since I know I have to work through some things on my own I decided not to identify as lesbian in the meantime so I can work on the other 'stuff'. What has helped me was reading stories of other women like me. I can recommend two books: Late Bloomers: Awakening to Lesbianism After Forty by Robin McCoy Dear John, I Love Jane by Candace Walsh I read those stories and they ring with truth for me. I wasn't comfortable with my spouse knowing at the time so I actually just ordered them for kindle so he didn't know what I was reading. I've written a lot about my story and journey working through it with my spouse on here, and we're quite amicable about this, but I don't want to bog this thread up with all about me, what I'd really like to tell you is that I think if you're hesitant about doing any therapy yet and if you want to see if that is what you're feeling or read stories of how things went for women who had feelings like ours, these books are pretty awesome because they are honest and run the gamut of every different type of situation, but all involving women who discover either later in life or after marriage that they love and desire women. So maybe that might help And you are so welcome. Your story also provides me validation that there are more like me, too(*hug*)
Another resource: website called Lavender Visions. Just heard about it recently so haven't had much of a look but it seems to be almost exclusively about married women coming out later.
Hello, I'm 42 and came out to my hubby of 13 yrs and my three adult daughters last year. I have since began to make my life about me, and will be moving out of the home soon, I have been living in the mother in law suite in the house for several months. Just my experience, but I had to free myself and allow myself the freedom to be sure of who I was, I was confused at first too, but I am no longer confused. I know what I want, and I'm going after it. Good luck to you, and it looks like you have plenty of people here that can understand what you're going thru, including myself, that can offer and empathetic ear and shoulder for you. My past year has not been easy, but even still, I wish that i had done it sooner.
Hi Puzzled... I'm bisexual, so a little different story, but I'm 36 and coming to terms with it all too. Just thought I'd throw a "me too" at you
Hello, I am new here.. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I am going through the same thing.. I actually came out to my husband yesterday and will be starting therapy next wk...
