Coming out at 31: my update

Thanks to everybody for all the support. I do feel better that he heard what I had to say, but the realization that this dream that I have will probably be just a dream is a bitter pill to swallow. I have a hard time accepting that, years down the road, he is somebody that will likely play, at most, a minor role in my life. Again, time will tell. I am interested to see where the friendship goes with letting him take the lead for a while, but I'm not hopeful for much.

I also have a hard time getting past feeling like (read: "feeling like", not necessarily "knowing that") he treats me differently now that he knows I'm gay and, because he has asked nearly no questions, he knows so little about my story anyways. I might be really sensitive to it and imagining it, and separating real life from the life in my head is difficult recently.

There are things I wish were different but there is only so much we can control, right? Again, thanks for the replies and advice.... any comments keep them coming. I willl keep you all updated on this front and other fronts down the road.

 

Thanks Yossarian! I have thought about this in the past and have thought about it more since you suggested it. For me to really put it behind me, I think I probably need to tell him, but I am not going to do it now for a few reasons.

For one, I have unleashed two emotional purgings on him in the last two months - when I came out to him in early May and this past Sunday when I confronted him on not paying enough attention to me. I am always pretty self-conscious of not burdening others with my problems- one of those things that I consider a virtue but, when excessive, it becomes a vice. I don't doubt that he truly loves me as a friend. And as a friend, I love him too. But I worry that putting him on the spot yet again is unfair to him. However, I have resolved that if he does ask me if I like him or if I love him, I will be honest.

Along the same lines, I am frustrated that we live far apart and that he works so much and that we can't see each other often. I would love to go away with him for a weekend or something like that but he doesn't get that kind of time off. Just like long-distance romantic relationships, I think it's hard for long-distance friendships to grow a whole lot other than that they become stronger as they pass the test of time.

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I've rocked the boat a lot recently. Since confronting him on Sunday, he has put a lot more effort into being in touch with me. I'm not sure if he's doing it because he realizes he hurt me or if it's because he thinks he needs to be there for me, or if there's some other reason, but he's trying to meet me halfway. I don't want to put anything else on a plate that I suspect is already pretty full.

So we'll see. I am trying to put him on the mental and emotional back burner for the time being and am having some success. I hope my feelings come to light at some point in the future, but right now the time is not right.

 

I haven't written on here much recently, but that is probably because there isn't much to update. However, I enjoy reading about everybody else's process/progress, so I can only imagine that others don't mind reading about mine.

In short, not much has changed in the past few weeks. I haven't told anybody new since the middle of June. And I don't have any burning desire to tell anybody new at the moment. When I started telling people a couple months ago, the thought of coming out consumed me. I woke up at night thinking about it. Honestly, I think I feel a little more at peace with it now, but I am at least a little worried about losing momentum and reverting to a new status quo closet.

At this point, my closest friends know. Closest friends qualify as long-distance friends that I speak to multiple times per week. Once I told some of these friends, I put a lot of pressure to tell the other of these friends, because I thought they deserved to know. So these friends know, and I've told a handful of less close LGBT friends. And then there are a few gay men I have met here and there.

I think partly this slowdown is due to me not wanting to be out at work. For one, I am hoping to leave my job within the next year for reasons that have little to do with my sexuality (other than me feeling like I can't meet plenty of gay men near my age in my town). Secondly, my ex ("Melissa") doesn't know I am gay. She doesn't live in my town but she still talks to some of my coworkers with some regularity. We primarily broke up due to distance. While our breakup this spring did essentially coincide with a collision between my feelings for Jake and my acceptance of my sexuality, we broke up because she decided to move even further away than she had already lived. My feelings for her were waning. The breakup was strange. I did it in person and gave my non-gay reasons and basically all she said was 'okay' and acted like everything was fine. After that visit she wanted to stay in close touch and, when I indicated my desire for space, she became antagonistic and seemed to pursue opportunities to paint me as the bad guy to her friends (with whom I had become friendly as well). Needless to say, coming out seemed like handing her more fodder than I was prepared to handle.

It is interesting because I feel a little guilty that I haven't told her. I suppose she will find out one day. She still texts once a week or so, but I don't reply with much. I imagine she still has feelings for me although I can't be sure. I don't really want to still be friends with her. I don't have ill will for her, but once we broke up, I realized how much we weren't right for each other. There were so many things about her that I didn't like. I think mostly I am annoyed with myself... that I had built so much of a smoke screen around myself... that I subconsciously convinced myself that we were compatible. I don't feel that I wronged her. I think my intentions were sincere but terribly misguided at the time. Either way, she isn't someone I want to be part of my coming out process or part of my life right now, but her presence seems to show up in one way or another at my workplace. Does that make sense? Have others had the same experience with their significant others?

So I guess that brings me to my desire to meet another man. That's what set off this whole cycle at the beginning. I kind of feel like I don't want to be totally out until I meet another guy. I know that might not be totally logical. I know the catch that I probably can't meet a guy until I let others know that I am gay. I have tried meeting guys online for either friends or dating. I did go out to dinner with a gay couple I met on that app ****** this past weekend. They live in a nearby city about 45 minutes away. They are 5-10 years older than me, both came out around 30, both had been either engaged or married to women. They seemed like super nice guys and I would hang out with them again. They seem to have a good group of both straight and gay friends, and at the moment I don't have many of either in my current town. I am hopeful that this may be a good way to continue this process.

I am going to see my parents this weekend. I don't plan on telling them. With me being single again for the past 3-4 months, questions have started coming about whether I have prospective girlfriends. There have been a few engagements among my college friends in the last few months. These were the guys that were always single when most of my friends were getting married. It's getting down to pretty much just me. I think they worry about me. They worry that I'm lonely. I don't know what the effect of coming out to them would be- whether it would generate more worry or whether it might provide some relief for them. I feel like it may be better to be a little more set in things before I tell them. Thoughts?

As for Jake, we are back to talking fairly regularly. He seems to have responded fairly positively to me confronting him a few weeks ago. He never explained why he suddenly stopped replying to me, and I never pressed it. He has confided in me that he is stressed and burnt out in his job. He finally admitted to his girlfriend that he wasn't very happy with their relationship, but they haven't decided to break up just yet. In my opinion, he is simply putting off the inevitable. But I keep my opinion to myself! I think he's afraid to end a two-year relationship that his family is invested in at this point. I could go on forever about him, but bottom line I'm still not convinced that he is 100% straight or that he never thought more of our friendship. I could be completely off-base. I still love him and if he ever asks me I would tell him. I still want things to work out, but I think I have been better at looking at "Life Beyond Jake" (read: not necessarily "Life After Jake"). His weekend work schedule is awful but we talked about me visiting him for a weekend in August. If he could only get the balls to dump her by then!

All in all, things aren't too bad. My main concern is that I'm taking this too slow, and if anyone has advice, I am all ears. At the end of the day, I have always been a pretty private person. I'm an extrovert and I love making new acquaintances, but I like having only a select few that know what's going on in my personal life. I have noticed that I have become much less cautious with hiding things. Talking freely about my sexuality at dinner. Typing this post at a coffeeshop not really worrying much that someone could be reading over my shoulder. Keeping gay friends' contact info and text conversations in my phone. I assume these are good things. They certainly aren't things I was doing a few months ago.

As always, thanks for reading and sorry for rambling. Thanks for all the advice and all the writing everyone else does. Even if I'm not posting I am benefiting volumes from reading others' threads.

 

Thanks everyone for the kind words. It is immensely helpful to hear that the pace I'm setting is OK for me if it feels right to me, which at this point it does. I'm not ready to tell my parents this weekend- and not feeling the pressure to will help me enjoy my time at home that much more.

I had an unexpectedly full day at work yesterday and didn't set out for my long journey home until hours later than I wanted to leave. I contemplated driving halfway and crashing at a motel for the night if I got too tired. Several hours in I called Jake and we ended up talking for two and a half hours. I think he wanted to talk and talking to him was really helping me stay awake. Thanks to him I made it all the way home.

He is super stressed because he has more or less arrived at the decision to dump his girlfriend, but he just doesn't know when. He feels bad about how this will make her feel and I think he is terrified over the fallout. We talked about it for a little while.

He went on to tell me about one of his coworkers that he befriended. How he feels like this guy is his only true friend in his new city- the only person he knows there who he thinks he would stay friends with long-term. He said he likes going out with this guy and his boyfriend.

Um, exqueeze me, but did you just say HIS BOYFRIEND?!

Didn't see that one coming! Jake has a great new gay friend. I can go into all sorts of speculation how it's at the very least interesting that the person Jake seems to have connected most deeply with there is gay.

Interpret as you wish. I don't want to read too much into it. It is very likely that he's just comfortable enough with his own sexuality that having close gay friends doesn't threaten him. At the very least knowing that he is that comfortable with homosexuality is hugely reassuring. And makes me feel so much better that I'm not some weird gay albatross around his neck.

Anyways, if nothing else it's a big step toward acceptance for me and a positive chapter of the story to share. Hope you all have a great weekend.

 

Sale Gay Guy, I sure do wonder. It seems rude to assume that just because he has befriended a gay couple that he must be gay, but in the context of everything else that's happened, it is surprising and it does get some gears turning. I'm trying not to think about thst scenario too much because I feel like it enables this sort of fantasy land, but believe me I am not going to forget about it. Even if he was gay and not interested in me, it would still be awesome to have a gay friend like him. But again, as far as I know he is straight and he hasn't told me otherwise so for now I just need to be a patient and respectful, yet proactive and observant, friend.

 

Hi Mav, thanks for checking in!

Overall things are good but largely unchanged. Most exciting thing going on for me is a job prospect. I have been dying to get out of my current city for months now- due to dissatisfaction with my job, lack of a solid social circle, the list goes on. As far as my field goes this would be a ridiculously excellent opportunity. The job came up through a friend from school- there is no official opening at the moment- they probably aren't looking to hire someone until 2016, a lot of it is up in the air at this point but the prospect of moving and getting a new job gives me hope. And hope is something I need these days. My friend arranged a visit for me to meet the company so I'm going there in two weeks but I need to keep reminding myself it isn't an actual interview. Hard to not get too excited about it but it almost seems too perfect to be true. I could really use a new job from a professional standpoint and a new town from a personal standpoint.

Added twist is that this job is actually in the city that Jake lives in. I can't make this stuff up. As for him, he broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. From a friendship standpoint things have been really good between us. We have had a lot of good talks recently. I continue to speculate but he has given me no indication that he is looking for anythig more than being single for a while and sleeping with rebound girls when he can. And that's fine with me. Of course I'd love more but if he really is straight then I can't expect anything more. I'll see him when I visit for this job.

Other than that I have not come out to anyone else yet. I am going away for a long weekend with a few friends from school- kind of our annual get together. Some I have come out to, others not. If the right time arises, I may tell a few of them but I don't want it to be some group conversation or something. I'd prefer a personal one on one scenario instead. I'm visiting my parents now for a few days. They don't know either. But visiting home then going away with friends sure beats the loneliness I seem to constantly endure in the town that I live in.

I did have a date with a guy a couple weeks ago. He was cute. I liked him but we didn't have a ton to talk about. Our schedules are pretty different so it's hard to meet up. I have yet to have a good date with a guy that leads to a good night with a guy and I'd really like that to happen but I don't seem to hit it off well with guys for some reason. Unsure as to why.... Maybe I still don't seem comfortable enough with myself yet?

Anyways thanks again for checking in! As always, open to all comments and thanks to you all for being here.

 

Just to update anyone who is interested. I was on vacation for a couple of weeks and then since I have come back to work it has been full throttle on catching up on everything I have missed. Honestly I have spent very little time thinking about my sexuality recently because I have been occupied with other things. Life should calm down a bit and I think I need to make an effort to bring this back to the forefront. Unsure if I am compartmentalizing out of defense or default.

The job visit that I described in my previous post was on Monday. I think it went really well, which is exciting. They seemed to like me and apparently thought I would be a great fit according to the inside words from my friend. They don't know when they'd be hiring someone because of the seasonal nature of my job but it would likely not be for another 6+ months. The prospect of a new start is keeping me going right now. I know it might not work out but I'm on the right path.

I haven't been meeting any guys recently mostly because I've been out of town so much. I think I need to make an effort to do this in the next few weeks. It's almost like the prospect of leaving is putting me on 'short-time' mode but I could very well be here a while.

Jake is fine but his friendship is frustrating. When he dumped his girlfriend, his top priority seemed to be being single. His whole thing leading up to the breakup was that he hadn't ever been single for long. He always jumped into one unfulfilling relationship to the next. He started something with a girl he works with a couple days after the breakup- she ended that after a couple weeks because he told her that he just wanted sex and she felt like she was getting emotionally involved. Smart girl! But he's already moved onto another girl that he thinks might be relationship material. I get frustrated because he looks to me for advice a lot. He has told me how much he values my opinion which I find extremely ironic as I think my experience with relationships is twisted to say the least. I don't really know what to tell him other than, from what he's told me, all of his relationships have started this way. I don't know what sort of disorder or insecurity or need leads an attractive and successful 28-year-old man to seem to be completely unable to be single and stay single for a while. I'd love to think that his latent homosexuality is at the root of all of it, but it's probably just another exercise in wishful thinking.

After visiting him for the night this past weekend, I did arrive at one probable conclusion: that my feelings for him are holding me back from meeting someone and from helping this coming out process along. I know, I know... you all knew this months ago. I'm coming around to it now. I hadn't seen him in a couple months and seeing him again made me remember all the things I liked about him, all the ways we get along so effortlessly, all the traits he possesses that I desire and don't seem to find in eligible guys that I meet.

One thing I have wondered is whether my friendship with him is worth it. I wonder if it is worth the pain and emotional torture of having him just out of my reach. I wonder if I will not get over him until I tell him everything- and I mean everything- how much I care for him, how compatible I think we are, how I speculate about his sexuality. I am a little tempted to. Of course, a major motivator is to get it all out there once and for all, but a minor motivator is that glimmer of hope that still exists.

I am not an impulsive person and I will probably ponder this for way too long. I know some of you have suggested this already. I think my biggest hesitation is that I don't think I can confess all this and keep the friendship intact. And I need to decide if that's what I want, which for once I actually think maybe that would be better for me... which gets even weirder when I could be moving to his city. If I'm not moving to his city, it almost seems to make sense to give up on him once and for all.... and whether going down in a blaze of glory will be as cathartic as I want it to be.

On the other hand, dumping all this on a guy who for the most part has been pretty kind to me seems a little unfair.

 

Thanks Yossarian! There will be a lot of courage that I need to build up for it to happen.

I know a lot of you have been through similar situations in your lives. Is it normal to feel complete and utter humiliation surrounding this whole unrequited love saga? I feel like such a fool. When I think about him, and when I think that he has maybe suspected I have feelings for him and has been kind enough to ignore that, I just feel so damn humiliated, which is a difficult emotion to conquer.