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confused and angry

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ConfusedAtHeart, Apr 20, 2014.

  1. ConfusedAtHeart

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Some where.....over the rainbow....
    I thought I had it all figured out. That I'm a trans guy. But when I wear makeup I can either feel like I'm cross dressing or I'm the most fabulous person alive. I also feel like being a trans gay man will not help me get into a relationship. So I say "maybe if I stayed a girl, I won't end up alone." I feel like no one will be attracted to me.
    And lately I have been having little outbursts of anger. Like, my mom, (who doesn't know) would ask me a question, and I totally flip bricks. Then later I wonder why I was so awful. Not just with my mom- with everyone.
    I can't just tell my mom, because she'd probably kick me out and hate me.
    I love my mom too much and don't want to dissapoint her.
    I feel like my anger may be stemming from my hatred of myself..
    Are there any ways to control the hate of my image, so I don't end up scaring everyone? :tears:
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Can I ask you something?

    Let's forget your gender completely for a minute and let us think about your mum.

    Suppose your mum told you that she really thinks you should be a specialist old-peoples nurse when you leave school. She wants you to do that because it's a good job and people will think good things about you.

    In order to do that job you would probably need to be thinking about your studies already. You might need to get a specific nursing degree, you would certainly need to get some experience working with elderly people. You would also need to craft this calm and patient persona that can never ever break or everything will go wrong.

    But when you think about it, nursing doesn't interest you. A big part of you is leaning towards teaching (another respectable job!), you also have some other thoughts...perhaps banking or landscape gardening or breaking into the underground battle rap scene.

    You have all these ideas in your head that you'd like to explore in terms of your career, but you will disappoint your mum if you don't do nursing. You start to consider nursing and discover that basically the only thing that interests you is the uniform. About half the time you think the uniforms are pretty sweet (you might even feel sexy...everyone loves a nurse!) and the other half you feel stupid.

    So what do you do in this situation? Do you go with your mums choice because you don't want to disappoint her, or do you explore your options?

    ____________________________________

    It's worth considering that no matter the outcome here, she is not in a position to be disappointed in anything.

    You can turn out different to how she thought you would, just as any other child will. She may well have had thoughts about your future and imagined how they would pan out, but that doesn't mean she has a right to see them work that way. She certainly doesn't have a right to complain, because it is your life and you have to live it how it makes sense to you.

    You have every right to be disappointed in HER though. If she kicks you out and hates you because you didn't turn out how she hoped you would, you can certainly be disappointed.
     
  3. Calix

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    I'm a transman, but I still like to wear eyeliner from time to time - it makes my eyes look cool :grin:
     
  4. ConfusedAtHeart

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    I guess I wouldn't do the job she wanted me to. I wouldn't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
    It wouldn't really be fair to me. Even if it did make her happy..
     
  5. CommanderMatt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Indiana
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Ultimately you have to do what makes you feel happy dude. Don't feel bad about liking makeup occasionally, even some hetero cis men wear makeup and rock it. If you're really concerned about finding someone I wouldn't worry too much about it. Yes dating as a transman can be a minefield but there are many open minded gay men in the LGBT community.