How does one overcome your own internal homophobia? 25 yrs old. Living with partner. Some friends know, some don't. I do well with us going out as a couple to small group gatherings or small parties with friends (mostly people that know about us). However, there are times, when I'll just get hit in the gut with the most uncomfortable feeling about going to events like these (even if people know about us) and being seen with him. I love him dearly, I just will feel instantly embarrassed and ashamed. For instance, we were driving to a party, and as we got the house where it was being held, I just got that uncomfortable feel. Saw some guys I have class with and am friends with (and one of them knows b/c I told him) and I just was like, I can't go, can't do this. We ended up turning around and going home. I don't know, maybe I just don't measure up to what it means to be a "man". Thoughts, suggestions, questions.... Thanks for reading.
Hey - Toby Johnson's book "Gay Spirituality: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness" (White Crane Spirituality Series) is really good on this. Christian de la Huerta's book "Coming Out Spirituality" is good also. They both say that we almost always need a therapist to help us get over the internal homophobia that has been forced into us. Send me a private message if you'd like to talk. My name is Mike an I'm one of the advisors. Peace,
Well hun I'm sorry you're going through this. I remember denying my homosexuality for a while, and having homophobia of myself. It's hard to get past. But you just need to try and tell yourself, you are who you are. There isn't anything you can do about it, so you should be proud of who you are. And no matter what people tell you, no matter what people say to try and get you down, it doesn't matter. Being who you are is the best thing you can be. I know it might not break anything in your internal homophobia, but I hope you will take my words to heart.
In therapy, I was told to deal with internalized self-hatred (not related to homophobia) by watching my thoughts and catching them every time I had a self-hating thought and say, "No. That's not true. The truth is ______."
I'll hawk my favorite gay self-therapy book, the extremely misleadingly titled "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. It is honeslty the best psychology/self-help book I have read in probably 20 years. It talks extensively about internalized homophobia and the toll that it can take on relationships. I think you'll find it really worthwhile if you get yourself a copy.
>>>I don't know, maybe I just don't measure up to what it means to be a "man". I'd like to share a story with you that's somewhat a different situation than yours, but I think it's analogous. I got a request for some advice from some guy in his early 20s. He was gay and closeted. He said his problem was that he was in a heavy metal band, and he was afraid his bandmates would shun him if they knew he was gay. And as such, he didn't want his (then-new) boyfriend showing up at rehearsals or gigs. I told him that his message was about the least heavy-metal thing I'd read. Not because he's gay, but because of his attitude. Has there ever been a metal song about "gee, I hope my friends don't find out something about me that makes them not like me anymore"? Metal is about grabbing life by the balls. Metal songs are about things like sacrificing to the goat god, delivered with the attitude of "We're doing a song about sacrificing to the goat god - do you have a fucking problem with that?!" So the guy was gay - BFD. It just means grabbing life by the balls might turn him on more, and after sacrificing to the goat god, he might want to bend the goat god over the altar. The guy totally agreed, and ended up coming out to his band soon after. My father taught me "what it means to be a man". And it didn't have a damn thing to do with putting my dick in a girl. When my father would say "man up" or "be a man", it had nothing to do with contact sports or going to strip clubs. It meant "be an adult" - "do the right thing". And, not to be overly blunt here, but turning around and going home because you're worried what your colleagues might think isn't doing the right thing. Because you're sending a couple messages here - neither of them good. You're sending the "This is something to be ashamed of, so we'll just hide in our homes" message to the world at large. And, even worse, you're sending the "I'm ashamed of being gay" message to your partner. Which, quite often, can be interpreted as "I'm ashamed of you." So let me pass the message on from my father to you. Be a man. You're gay. You've got a partner. These aren't things to be ashamed of. These are things to be proud of. So go be proud of them already. Go take him to events, go introduce him to friends - not as "my roommate", but as "my partner". With confidence. And watch how all of them immediately take the cue from you. If you act like it's no big deal, but like it's something to be proud of, they will, too. Lex
