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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 28th Jan 2009, 03:09 PM   #1
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Default This sucks...

Well I'm 26, and I'm finding it harder and harder to deny that I'm gay anymore. This is becoming even more apparent because I met a guy who makes me feel a way I thought I'd never feel or at least could avoid feeling and continue my denial, and he seemingly feels the same way about me. Now half of me wants to move on and accept who I am so I can actually have a real relationship, and the other half of me is wondering what the hell is wrong with me and that I need to get back to the business of fixing myself so I can be straight. This just sucks, why do I have to be gay? Why can't I just be straight? I'm so used to controlling my life, and being unable to control this is really terrifying and depressing.

Sorry for this stupid childish whining just needed to get that out there.
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 03:20 PM   #2
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Default Re: This sucks...

Welcome to EC!

You found the right place to figure things out. EC helped me a lot while I came to terms with the fact I am gay. Have you talked to the guy your interested in about what is going on? This is something you need to reconcile before you can get emotionally involved in a relationship. If he cares about you he will listen.
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 03:32 PM   #3
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Default Re: This sucks...

Hello and welcome to EC! Just about everyone who's not straight has had at least a bit of trouble accepting it. I certainly did. But the truth is that once you've learned to accept your sexuality, it gets a lot easier to be gay/bi/whatever. To deny your sexual orientation is to deny yourself true happiness. Trust me, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

As for feeling like your sexual orientation is out of your control... it is. Plain and simple. Nobody chooses their sexual orientation. It's just one of those things that you were born with, like your hair color, your eye color, your right-or-left-handedness. It's a part of you just like those things. You could try to cover it up, but it won't change the way you are, so why pretend? Why not learn to accept yourself just as you are and allow yourself to be happy?
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 03:49 PM   #4
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Default Re: This sucks...

Welcome to EC!

>>>This just sucks, why do I have to be gay? Why can't I just be straight? I'm so used to controlling my life, and being unable to control this is really terrifying and depressing.

There's a lot of elements of your life you can't control. If you're five feet tall, you're five feet tall. And there's nothing wrong with being five feet tall. Problems only arise when you insist that you should be six feet tall, or try to live life as though you were six feet tall. But if you just accept you're five feet tall, life goes a lot smoother.

So it is with your sexuality. If you're gay, you're gay. It's part of your wiring. And you can pretend it isn't, and pretend to be straight...or you can just accept it, and live as a gay man. And that's not as scary as it might seem. Because being gay means precisely one thing - you like guys. That's it. Everything else is optional. You can still go to football games and drink beer and hang out with your straight friends and listen to heavy metal. You don't have to wear rainbow short-shorts or "get your colors done" or listen to Cher or learn to appreciate Broadway musicals. (Unless, of course, you want to.) Being a gay man means liking guys. Full stop.

And as many of us can attest, living "out" can totally kick ass. No, it doesn't mean all your problems are solved. You still will deal with idiots at work, and money woes, and dating issues (although now they'll be issues with guys instead of women). But you'll be living by your wiring. You'll be YOU. There won't be any hiding, or hoping people don't find out, or not talking to your friends about things. It'll be you being just like everybody else.

So what's the next step? Try it on for size. Try coming out to the most important person first - you. Look in the mirror and say "I'm gay". Try living a couple days assuming you ARE gay. You don't have to tell anyone if you'd rather not. But feel free to think about guys "like that", and look at hot guys online. Just try it out. See how it feels.

Let us know how else we can help.

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Old 28th Jan 2009, 03:59 PM   #5
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Default Re: This sucks...

Thanks for the welcome.

No, I haven't talked to the guy yet because we just started sort of seeing each other, and I'd rather not burden him at this point with my numerous hang-ups.

As for everything else, I know that I should just accept that there are things about ourselves that we can't control, but that doesn't comfort me at all for some reason. It frustrates me and just heightens the feelings that there's something wrong with me, and that I'll always be "broken".
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 04:19 PM   #6
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Default Re: This sucks...

Well, that looks like something you need to get beyond. The idea that you might be gay equating to you being "broken". You might benefit from hanging out here a bit more. Read some threads. Not just the "I've got a problem" ones, but the chit-chatty ones, the game ones, all of them. Hopefully, it'll help solidify the idea that gays are just people, y'know? I mean, you presumably know that already, sorta, but once you get a better feel for that, you may not be so scared of your own sexuality.

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Old 28th Jan 2009, 04:19 PM   #7
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Default Re: This sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by someguy82 View Post
Well I'm 26, and I'm finding it harder and harder to deny that I'm gay anymore. This is becoming even more apparent because I met a guy who makes me feel a way I thought I'd never feel or at least could avoid feeling and continue my denial, and he seemingly feels the same way about me. Now half of me wants to move on and accept who I am so I can actually have a real relationship, and the other half of me is wondering what the hell is wrong with me and that I need to get back to the business of fixing myself so I can be straight. This just sucks, why do I have to be gay? Why can't I just be straight? I'm so used to controlling my life, and being unable to control this is really terrifying and depressing.

Sorry for this stupid childish whining just needed to get that out there.
I'm the same way you are. I'm used to having every aspect of my life under my thumb, able to bend it as I see fit.. The fact that I can't control my sexuality has been an ongoing battle. And as much as I want to let it go I can't. To be faced with some part of you you can't control whether you express it or not is frustrating and scary. I've often punished myself for not complying with how I want to be. You're not childishly whining, trust me. I can identify with a lot of what you said. It's like trying to swim upstream, the harder you try to fight against the current the more unhappy you'll be. Try going with the current. You'll be better off.
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 04:42 PM   #8
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Default Re: This sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexington View Post
Well, that looks like something you need to get beyond. The idea that you might be gay equating to you being "broken". You might benefit from hanging out here a bit more. Read some threads. Not just the "I've got a problem" ones, but the chit-chatty ones, the game ones, all of them. Hopefully, it'll help solidify the idea that gays are just people, y'know? I mean, you presumably know that already, sorta, but once you get a better feel for that, you may not be so scared of your own sexuality.

Lex
That's another frustrating thing about this is that I'm such a hypocrite. I was a shoulder to cry on for one of my best friends when his attempt to come out to his dad went horribly. Why is it I'm able to accept my friends but not myself? It's all just very frustrating.
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 07:10 PM   #9
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Default Re: This sucks...

It's always easier when it's happening to someone else.
I know very few gay people who haven't gone through some sort of identity crisis.
It's normal to be afraid. It's normal to "want to be straight". It's normal to
question yourself.
I agree with Lex. I think it will help you to become comfortable in your own skin.
You can deny who you are,all day long. But that will not change things.
There is nothing wrong with being gay,no matter what you've heard .
But accepting yourself for who you truly are and being happy,is truly liberating.
We're all here for you. Feel free to talk to any one of us.
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 07:59 PM   #10
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Default Re: This sucks...

Embracing the truth can be most helpful in a lot of situations. Before I came out to myself or others, I always wore baggy clothes and large shirts to hide my very thin appearance: I thought that being thin looked effeminate and would give me away.

Now that I've learned to accept the truth, I wear clothes that actually fit, and I look really nice. If I were to keep trying to hide who I am from myself, I'd still be walking around with cuffed jeans and sleeves past my fingers.

Likewise, if you admit the truth, you can begin to cope and move forward with your life. There are so many great things that will come with it, like being in a real relationship without the awkwardness or deception.
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 08:13 PM   #11
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Default Re: This sucks...

Thanks, just talking about this makes me feel a little better. I'm going to give Lexington's advice a try and see how that works. I'm tired of constantly being in an internal struggle with myself, and this guy makes me feel... well... happy, so I'd at least try to get past the fact that I'm driving myself insane.

Last edited by someguy82; 28th Jan 2009 at 08:15 PM..
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Old 28th Jan 2009, 08:23 PM   #12
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Default Re: This sucks...

I am learning to live as a Gay person again, after 20 yaers of marriage to a straight female. Some of us have extreme struggles and confusion. I LOVE the person I am now. I was a MESS before. Everyone has challenging thoughts just remember we understand and you do not need to appologize for your feelings. Just go with it day by day.
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Old 29th Jan 2009, 12:31 PM   #13
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Default Re: This sucks...

Accept the things you can not change and find the courage to change the things you can. The tough part is figuring out which is which.

It's a well-worn expression, but it's very true. I'd suggest that if you're gay, you can't change that - accept it. Your attitude towards being gay is something that isn't carved in stone - so change it.

Hang out here. Talk with a therapist. Chat with the friend that you said you comforted when they came out. Read some LGBT support / PFLAG material. Because there's nothing wrong with being gay. It is actually quite awesome once you let go and allow yourself to enjoy it.

So welcome to EC - and good luck!
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Old 29th Jan 2009, 01:10 PM   #14
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Default Re: This sucks...

One of my biggest fears is that after I acknowledge this and come out people will only identify me by my sexuality and forget the other aspects of who I am. I want to be thought of as more than just a gay guy, but it really feels like that's how most people will see me after I deal with this.
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Old 29th Jan 2009, 03:33 PM   #15
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Default Re: This sucks...

Is it how THEY look at gay people or how YOU are looking at gay people.

I spent a lot of my life hating the "gay stereotype" because I thought that that was how the world would define me. I was judging myself in reality. When I stopped trying to act straight and did what I wanted, it was like the clouds opened up.

Try what lex said and spend a couple thinking that you're gay. What's the worst that could happen? Worst case scenario is you waste two days of perfectly good thinking time.

Give it a shot, man.

I found out that I really didn't have to change anything. I'm the same person I was before, only the person on my arm doesn't have tits... ONLY DIFFERENCE. PERIOD.

Well I'm not watching myself like a hawk anymore, too. LOL.
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Old 29th Jan 2009, 05:21 PM   #16
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Default Re: This sucks...

Well, I am trying out Lex's advice, and there is something strangely satisfying about finally admitting I'm gay in the mirror even if I can only whisper it.

I am still struggling to get past the gay stereotype though. I don't act gay (if one can do such a thing) other than that I like guys. It just seems in some ways like I'd be more isolated, I wouldn't fit in with my straight friends anymore, and I wouldn't really fit in with the gay lifestyle. I understand that's probably a load of bullshit, but that doesn't make it easy to get over it. God, at 26 I should have dealt with this by now, I feel like such a loser.
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Old 29th Jan 2009, 07:55 PM   #17
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Default Re: This sucks...

>>> God, at 26 I should have dealt with this by now, I feel like such a loser.

Hey, I went through the same thing a bit later, too. True, I was 20 or 21 when I went through it, but I sort of felt I should've done it when I was 15 or 16. But the past is done - it's the future that you can work on changing. If you're gonna do it, may as well do it now, yes no?

>>>I don't act gay (if one can do such a thing) other than that I like guys. It just seems in some ways like I'd be more isolated, I wouldn't fit in with my straight friends anymore, and I wouldn't really fit in with the gay lifestyle.

There are plenty of "straight-acting" gays out there. I'd like to think I'm one, although I do do that weird thing with my wrist every time I point at something. I also listen to disco music, although I'm more likely to listen to modern rock or jazz. But I don't feel isolated at all. I've got plenty of friends. They range from borderline screaming queen to borderline redneck.* And yes, I'm more likely to talk about dance music with the queeny guy, and more likely to talk sports with the redneck. But it's still ME. The queen knows about my season tickets to the contact sports, and the redneck knows about me being gay (he invites me and my partner to his backyard barbeques). And I think that's true of most people. Our friends aren't cut from the same cloth. We may let certain parts of our personality shine a bit brighter, depending on who we're with, but that doesn't make us phony. It just makes us human.

I'm glad the "admitting" part is making you feel a bit better. Stick with it. Soon you'll be able to say it louder, while smiling. And you might just knock the end part off your orientation answer there.

Lex

* - You might swing by here and see me answering questions with both a rock band AND a drag queen.

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Old 29th Jan 2009, 10:20 PM   #18
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Default Re: This sucks...

I came out to someone for the first time just one week shy of my 28th birthday. We have folks here that have come out in their 30's, 40's and 50's. The reason we did not come out sooner is that the conditions in our life just were not right for it. So you are not a loser for not coming out sooner, it is just the way it is. The French have an expression for this, C'est la vie.

On your broken point. I feel fixed since I have come out. Before I felt broke that looking at girls did not make me feel good and frankly never got why sex was such a big deal. Now I understand. It feels so good to see a guy with his shirt off and enjoy what I am looking at. It is hard to explain but it feels so good to be attracted to someone.

On your "straight-acting" point. I am very straight acting and have lots of straight guy friends. I am out to them and they don't care. I don't feel left out and we still do the same stuff as before. Everyone still treats me like a guy and thinks of me as a guy. While out at lunch the other day there was a group of really cute guys sitting next to us. I watched them as they left and said I wonder where they work. One of my friends immediately looked up from his food and looked where I was looking. After a second of confusion he said "Oh yeah I forgot. I looked up expecting to see a bunch of girls."

While coming out I thought my whole life would have to change. Nope, it is pretty much the same only better. There have only two significant changes. First I have quit being a hermit and actually have a life now. Secondly, the relationships I have with other feel genuine. I know that people like me for who I am not this facade I am presenting to them.
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Old 30th Jan 2009, 01:59 AM   #19
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Default Re: This sucks...

Well I just had a long talk with that guy tonight and we basically told each other how we feel. I honestly have to admit, if this how liking guys feels, then maybe being gay isn't so bad
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Old 30th Jan 2009, 02:03 AM   #20
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Default Re: This sucks...

Welcome to the dark side, we've got cookies!

Life can really kick ass when you go along with your internal wiring.

Sorry lex, beat you to it.
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