My Crush - Or story of my stupidity

[goratrix]

Oh, well. I thought I would start a new thread with this... the other one was getting way off topic.

Ok, so. It's 9 PM. I arrived there at 6. I watched a class, I was so tired I almost fell asleep so I started to move, walk, practice a little bit. Then at 6:45 the class ended I we got to talk a little bit.

He didn't do well at his test. Although he managed to do the excercises we practiced the night before (that would be yesterday, just about 15 hours before the test).

I asked him about the tutoring and he just changed the subject. I was both relieved and dissapointed (sp?). Anyway, I think that when he has another test comming he'll ask me to tutor him again. And if he is smart, he'll ask me before the day before the test. Ohh, whatever... I must stop thinkign about this!

Anyway, then the class was a little bit more tireing than normal... I guess he just needed to let it all out and so he tortured us (there was another guy practicing)... oh, well. I can say I feel even better than usual... now that I had a chance to catch my breath and to drink some water...

Anyway, just before the class he told me that he entered a dancing competition (a school thing) and that he wasn't that good. So we joked a little about it and then I promised/threatend him that I would go and watch the competition, and get it all with my cell phone camera.

Oh, well. I guess nothing really happened today.

Anyway. I analyzed some things I found out about him, most of them rumors, but I took them into consideration. And he is straight. I mean. I don't know any gay guys (I think, at least) but for my experience, once someone finds out he's gay he's not out seeking girls' attention, and trying to get a girlfriend... etc.

I guess finally accepting that is hard, but It will be a very important factor in my healing process. I need to know that there was nothing I could have done. I need to let him go, not as a faliure of mine, but as something that couldn't have happened anyway. My selfesteem needs to know that I'm at leas a little likeable, and that if he would have been gay or bi I could have gotten his attention.

The process is starting, it's not going to be short. It's going to be extremely painful, and most likely I will keep talking about him for quiet a while. But now that I know nothing can happen in a concious level, I hope that in time I will accept it. Just as I did with the fact that I'm gay.

I would love to write more... but I am picking up a friend in ten minutes... and I still haven't changed from my class (oops, who talked about a shower?? ) Oh well... I guess I can finish up later, or even tomorrow.

Well, glad to see you getting over your crush... It's hard and not fun at all, but it's better to move on. Good luck!