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Old 7th May 2005, 07:32 AM   #1
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Default Realizing you're gay stories

I haven't come out much yet. I do think it may be in my near future or maybe far off. So, I'm not through that yet.

However, what I do feel I'm fully through is my realization that I'm gay stage. I find this really interesting for some reason... plus it might be good to talk about.

I said already in my Welcome to the Forums post, but I realized I was gay in Grade 7 (which is 12/13). At the time I had a girlfriend (kind of... she really liked me but I couldn't reciprocate).

One early thing I can remember is driving in a car when I was in Grade 5 about and thinking... 'I'm different... I don't know how but I am.' Then, in Grade 7 everything went confusing... I lost my best friend, everything changed, puberty too I guess. Anyways, I got into this weird battle with myself about 'Am I circumcised or not?' because I'd heard about circumcision and I knew what it was... but I had no idea what it looked like one way or the other. So, I went off on a personal quest to discover if I was circumcised or not... by comparing myself with pics. So, I used the internet to find pictures of penises. I didn't have much luck and at first I felt 'Eww, this is gross... looking for penises... but I'll only need one good pic and then I'll know'. Somehow, I never found just one pic and the subsequent searches maybe helped me realize I was gay...

I can't remember the actual realization. I can remember early on in the year of Grade 7 my friends were arguing and asked me whether Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears was hotter. I remember having no idea and not knowing why at the time. I answered Britney Spears...

A few days ago I can remember that I remembered another event near my realization... but now I've forgotten what it is...

Anyways, please share your stories if you want. I find it interesting and maybe we'll discover the cause of this disease called homosexuality by exploring the critical points of realization... (just kidding , obviously, on that last bit)

Okay...
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Old 7th May 2005, 05:38 PM   #2
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That is interesting. Somehow I fell I've known all along, and that's why I was never able to have a steady relationship with a girl. Although, finally and conciously knowing... oh, well... It started with a friend. We were 11y.o., although he was already developing into a teen. He had pubic hair and the hint facial hair. We were really close, we went to the club all the summer, spending almost every night at neach other's. And then his family invited me to the beach. Of course our parents took care of everything, but I went there.

It was cool, cause they had two flats, and while we all lived in one, the other one was empty. And we would go there at noon (too much sun, and we didn't want to get sunburn) and just play something. I think it was then I realized I was gay... although it took me quiet a while to accept it.

We were there and I just grabbed his groin. He got instantly hard, and even though he kept pushing me away I kept going for it, and asking him to grab mine as well. He didn't. Although after a little he came. And I felt somehow different.

We never spoke of it again, and then we lost contact. We still talk online from time to time, but we are not friends any more.
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Old 8th May 2005, 03:39 AM   #3
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I think for me it was one week when I was watching and lusting over this guy at the railway station (who I have mentioned in other threads) when I was about 17. It was a sort of logical deduction - "I should be attracted to girls but instead I'm attracted boys so that means I must be..................... gay".

The realisation actually shocked me because of its simplicity and obviousness, and because it seemed to me (then) such a dreadful thing to be.

There was then ten years of denial leading to gradual acceptance before I came out to myself at 27.

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Old 8th May 2005, 09:31 AM   #4
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In second or third grade we were let outside in the snow for recess. My friend was carving breasts into our igloo and complimenting them. In my head I said I would prefer a different, male body-part on the igloo. While walking back to class, I wondered why I didn't share his interest. It hit me then. I didn't like this conclusion but I accepted it during this time although there was still some doubt.

In fourth grade I was attracted to a kid in my class. After having a dream about this kid, I had another realization as if the first one didn't happen. It hit me harder this time. I told myself I would get over my male attraction and soon be straight.

This thought process led to around seventh grade. I thought that one day I would quit checking out guys and permanently be attracted to only girls. (The remainder of this paragraph might be a bit descriptive, sorry .) I told myself I would quit masturbating to thoughts of males and think about females instead. I found it difficult to replace the sexes in my fantasies so I procastinated my attempts to switch sexualities. I eventually tried it a few times but the thoughts didn't arouse me. When I tried to do it I masturbated solely for the sensation.

Around seventh grade I accepted it but I was afraid of others' opinions. My inability to control my mannerisms took a toll on my ego. I felt like I couldn't hide my sexuality well so it wouldn't matter if I were somewhat flamboyant.

By ninth grade I had control of my mannerisms and could pass as straight, at least that's what I was told. :wink:

My memory's fuzzier than it seems. I know at times I would wonder why I wasn't attracted to females although I had established my sexuality. For example, when a girl asked me who I liked, I wondered why I didn't like any girls. It seems I forgot my sexuality a few times and had several realizations.
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Old 10th May 2005, 08:37 PM   #5
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I have the best "realising you're gay" story ever. At least I think so. It's just so me.

So way back when I was 15 and in Grade 10, I was reading a fantasy novel by an author I had never read before, Mercedes Lackey. The book was called Magic's Pawn.

Anyway, I'm reading away, going through the first part of the book, and I'm thinking to myself, "Gee, I totally identify with this Vanyel guy" (the main character). Then I get to page 70 or so and *bam*, Vanyel comes out.

And I'm like... "Oh yeah, I was just relating to him because he felt so lonely and isolated. It's not that he was gay." (Oh my gosh I was the biggest denial case ever.)

Of course, I (avidly) continue reading the book, the next two books in the series, and pretty much everything Mercedes Lackey had written at that point, telling myself how cool I was because my classmates at my all-boys private school would have stopped reading as soon as it was revealed he liked boys.

And that is the story of how I realised I was gay at age 15 but didn't admit it, not even to myself, until I was nearly 20. Yeah, it's pretty tragic: I lodged myself in the closet quite firmly for nearly 5 years. And not that wussy closetness where people are like "I know I'm gay but I'm not gonna breathe a word of it." We're talking FULL METAL CLOSET here--total denial, I was straight. Really. And if it so happened that it was a lot easier to get off thinking about my classmates than it was thinking about girls, well... it was just that I envied their bodies. Sure. That's what it was. Envy. Ah yes... I was greener than Kermit The Frog.

I guess I wasn't as straight as I thought, though, cuz when I told one of my high school friends a few years after, he told me that me being gay was like him being Asian.

You can all now. *grin*

Fantasy novels made me gay. I mean, he frickin' talks to a girly white horse with his mind. How gay is that?!
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Old 10th May 2005, 09:00 PM   #6
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I remember back in 6th grade, how i liked the other guys in my class (sidenote for irony: i went to a catholic school). Of course, i just kind of figured that i was going through a phase. I have had a personal computer since around then (like, nobody else uses my computer, everythings completely private), so i had easy access to porn, and i remember figruring that I was getting bored with straight porn and just wanted something different.
Then, to put me back further in accepting myself completely, i remember after a school dance in 8th grade, a friend came over to my house, and we came across my older brother. I completely forget what we were talking about, i think it was about girls, more specificly, lesbians, and he mentioned that many teens go through a stage of questioning their own sexuality, even guys, but most guys wont admit it. So here i'm thinking "I am normal, this will all pass over". At least i got the first part right.

Just a point to bring off of that, my friend(the one in this story) is into lesbian porn, and i remember asking him, "whats the point? where do you put yourself in the situation? and how would you feel if you're in a room with lesbians, but they want nothing to do with you". well, now i have a question rationalizing being gay to people into this same mindset (that lesbians are (for a lack of a better word) enertaining). I think i'd ask "well, you're into lesbians, doesnt there have to be people on the other end of the scale?"
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Old 13th May 2005, 11:07 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lava421
This thought process led to around seventh grade. I thought that one day I would quit checking out guys and permanently be attracted to only girls. (The remainder of this paragraph might be a bit descriptive, sorry .) I told myself I would quit masturbating to thoughts of males and think about females instead. I found it difficult to replace the sexes in my fantasies so I procastinated my attempts to switch sexualities. I eventually tried it a few times but the thoughts didn't arouse me. When I tried to do it I masturbated solely for the sensation.
I totally went through that too. Thinking about women just didn't work like thinking about guys did. *grin*
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Old 13th May 2005, 12:08 PM   #8
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Me too. I guess many of us did (or still do) in our days of trying to deny ourselves.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 09:51 AM   #9
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Default Re: Realizing you're gay stories

First i thought that I was straight and lived that way for years, married & divorce. Then I thought I was bi after an encounter with a feminine transvestite. Finally I realized that I am only attracted to men. The rest was denial and a struggle with self acceptance. Still I am closeted to most.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 09:52 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by male4men View Post
First i thought that I was straight and lived that way for years, married & divorce. Then I thought I was bi after an encounter with a feminine transvestite. Finally I realized that I am only attracted to men. The rest was denial and a struggle with self acceptance. Still I am closeted to most.
wow thanks for sharing !!! really helps!
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 10:09 AM   #11
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Default Re: Realizing you're gay stories

For me, it kind of feels like one of those "why didn't you notice before, it's so painfully obvious" type things. The first time I remember having any inkling that I was a lesbian or even liked women was when I was in like 5th or 6th grade, and I was thinking about what sex with boys would be like. It was just kind of like "oh okay, I guess". And somehow my mind drifted to doing things with women, and like girl's bodies and stuff, and I got really... excited?? So to speak. The "excitement" quickly turned into "ohgodnonononothisisnthappeningwhatnononoicantlike girlsno".
All throughout my childhood I also had crushes on the female characters in movies; I never wanted the prince, I always wanted the princess.
I came to identify as bisexual, but only to myself and nobody else.
I tried dating boys, and even had a sexual-type encounter with one. I never really got into it; the relationships, the kissing, the other stuff. It didn't really repulse me, which I guess threw me off; it just was unappealing and it felt like a chore. Holding hands felt stupid, kissing felt monotonous, and going on dates was boring. I really thought that's all there was to relationships. Over my adolescence, I'd come to accept myself more, but I still called myself bisexual since I'd never had a relationship with a girl. Then, last summer, I had my first relationship with a girl. We never kissed on the lips, but it was the best relationship I'd ever had. I actually enjoyed myself, a lot! I think it was then that I first started thinking I was a lesbian, but I wasn't sure, since I'd never kissed a girl. Then a while after our breakup, I kissed a girl for the first time. It was like, "WOW kissing actually feels good? What? You can enjoy this? WOW THIS IS GREAT!". I actually remember thinking "Oh god I'm so gay". So yeah. There's my "oh god I'm so gay" story. That's sort of the brief version, I've written a better one in a blog post.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 11:52 AM   #12
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Default Re: Realizing you're gay stories

Well, I don't know if I'm gay, but I know I'm into guys. So let's just take it from that point of view.

I was pretty young when I realized I was into boys... Well, I didn't really realize it, but, looking back, it was pretty obvious. I was still in primary school when I was having fantasies (or dreams? I don't remember) of kissing my best guy friend while falling into some kind of never ending pit? I don't know the details lol but that's what I remember.

Because I was having such fantasies when I was so young... I never really thought anything of it, really, and I never had a realization hitting me at one point or another. I had this girlfriend in primary school, even after those fantasies of my best friend I think, and never really thought like: hey but what about those fantasies? I was too young I guess and I just went with the flow; I was a boy so I dated girls. That was how it worked.

After primary school I just started to check out guys sometimes, some times more than other times, and I think I was 15/16 when I had a sort of crush on a friend/classmate? Still it didn't REALLY hit me. I'd tell myself it's a phase. And didn't see myself dating guys. I imagined my future self together with a woman and a family. I never took the time to really think about my sexuality I think? It was around the same time that I started getting feelings for a girl friend, who had been my best girl friend for years. We both knew we liked each other, and while watching movies I'd put my arm around her, we'd sometimes hold hands and stuff, and it just felt right I guess. I really did want to kiss her but I never did (or at least not on the mouth), I was too nervous/scared. Sometimes after hanging out at her place we'd stand at the door for ages, to say goodbye, waiting for what we both wanted: we wanted me to kiss her, lol. And it never happened. Blah.
After that, I haven't really had crushes on guys, not really. I just went on living the straight lifestyle I was used to and got crushes on girls and went on dates with them. Then came the first time I kissed a girl. It was alright. At that time I was a bit older and was sort of questioning but still at least pretending to be straight. I was curious anyway and I really did find the girl attractive. I didn't know if the kiss felt like it was supposed to, though.
It wasn't until this year that I had my first experiences with a guy... We had been friends for quite some time, but he was in a relationship with a girl, and I hung out a lot with the both of them (sometimes I hung out just with the girl, but never just with the guy). I did recognize how good looking he was but that wasn't new to me. It wasn't until they broke up and he called me to bring me the *bad* news, that my flame for him just kind of ignited? Then we started to hang out with just the two of us, almost daily, and my feelings got stronger and stronger. Fast forward to a few months later, I had told him, I thought he didn't reciprocate (I thought he was straight, he thought I was as well- until I told him), a week later he told me he did, and another week later we had our first kiss. I'd never been that nervous in my life! I couldn't tell if it felt any different from kissing girls, and there were times where I found it a little boring, but I knew one thing - it felt right. Another week later we started dating. We had spoken about dating before our first kiss, but we both wanted to at least have had a kiss to know if we were really into boys. So we kind of discussed the fact that we were going to kiss and that we both wondered who was going to go in for the kiss, lol. We haven't gotten any further than HJ's (sorry if tmi, but it's part of the story) I wanted to go further but at the same time I wanted to take it easy. I was thinking like: we have forever, we should take it slow. We have never spoken about going any further though, as a month later he broke up with me. It was a short 'forever'. I have never been so heartbroken. It was my first real relationship after all. It was very confusing to me and I kept pouring my heart out to him, and finally, after a few days, he said something along the lines of: okay look, I'm just not into guys. Which made it all even more confusing. And I just think he's in denial because he really did enjoy 'bedtime' with me. I know it felt right for me anyway.

So that's my story of how I got to be 100% sure I'm into guys. I never really had a moment of realization or acceptance though. It all just happened, really.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 12:05 PM   #13
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Originally posted…2005…I think we have a new record!
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 12:17 PM   #14
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I realised I had a crush on my best friend (a girl) when I was about 14 and I had the sudden thought that 'Oh god, I miss her and I want to be closer to her'. Which led to many hours of denial and 'shut up Lorna you're obviously straight', though I had never felt that way about a boy before. I also had some rather embarrassing dreams about her...before I put my foot down and went into a stage of full repression/denial. Even when she got a boyfriend and I ended up crying over it I managed to somehow persuade myself it was because I had a crush on him, not her...
Most in denial person ever D:
I didn't actually accept it until I was 17 and I started becoming even closer to her and basically fell in love XD
Damn, so much time was wasted in denial.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 12:19 PM   #15
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Quote:
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Originally posted…2005…I think we have a new record!
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 02:11 PM   #16
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I'm a late bloomer. lol

I guess it's been a thought in the back of my head... but never really question my sexuality when I was a teen. I thought I was asexual, though (I still consider myself that).
After high school I realized that I "noticed" girls more often that guys, like in the bus or the streets.
I've had crushes on guys (I'm Kinsey 4-5); but they've faded away after a while.

I got a major lesbian crush on a fellow volunteer when I was 23; and I was like "really?? Is this it??" For like six months I thought about it, but I wasn't really sure because: "just because I had A lesbian crush doesn't mean I wanna switch teams, right??"
By Oct of that year I had a Co-Cultures class (fancy words for minorities) and of course LGBTQ were discussed. I found the experiences told in the book "interesting".
Two months later (in Dec) I was watching obsessively this movie...
And my favorite part was a jogging scene where the protagonist returns to her cabin to wake her friends up. I remember thinking: "Woah... She looks really cool jogging. I like her smile a lot. She's really beautiful" and it hit me: I'm gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. I am sooo totally gay.

After that I started coming out.
But, it's been obvious from day one.
80% of the estereotypes apply to me. I'm very tomboy-ish...
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 03:07 PM   #17
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I'll try not to ramble on, which is a bad habit of mine!

I can remember the exact moment that I realized I was gay. I was lying in bed, aged 15, sighing over how pretty I thought a girl in my class was, and then the lightning bolt: "Maybe I'm gay?"

Momentary surprise.

Then: "Maybe I am. Wow. Okay, then."

And that was it (not much surprises me, not even realizing my sexuality; I'm laid-back almost to the point of laziness!). More eureka moments followed:

"So *that's* why I spent most of my time admiring the princesses in Disney movies, and not the prince?" "So *that's* why I found both the male and female characters in a TV show attractive? Damn. I wish I'd figured this out earlier!"

I must admit that I was confused for a year or two afterwards, as I'd had brief crushes on guys as well as girls (but mainly girls). It's only recently that I've made the connection: I can admire a handsome man, yes, but there's no emotional connection. I've never had a relationship with either gender, but I've kissed a handful of guys over the past few months (whilst drunk, I should add!), and on each of those occasions it's been a mechanical reaction to me. I don't feel anything. I spend most of the kiss thinking: "When will this end?"

With women, I become infatuated pretty quickly. I'm still not over the most intense crush I've had yet, on a beautiful and intelligent girl in my English class (I'm almost glad that I've left school now, as I got the impression that she'd begun to realize that I was half in love with her, and stopped talking to me, though of course I never admitted anything to her!). I was often so surprised that she was actually trying to talk to me, that I was taken unawares. My voice shook, I could barely finish my sentences, I fidgeted, I got horrible butterflies, and I blushed like crazy. This happened every time we talked, and I hated being so damn obvious!

Anyway. I'm about as straight as a roundabout. A lady-kisser in training, you might say.

Still closeted, though. My family would not react well if they ever found out. I haven't told my friends, not because they might reject me (I'm 90% sure that they wouldn't) but because it would probably get back to my parents somehow. I'm planning to go to university after I finish re-sitting my A-Levels at college, and I'm praying there'll be some sort of LGBT society I can join, so that I can be more open, and hopefully meet people that I feel comfortable around.

But until that time comes, I'm prepared to sit and admire women from a distance. *sighs*

So, yeah. That's basically my life so far!

*ramble over*
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 03:13 PM   #18
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I was in 6th grade. There was this guy in my class and every time I saw him I got this feeling. I felt nauseous and nervous around him and I always wanted to talk to him but was too afraid to. I remember one day he did call me to talk to him and I was so nervous, I think I was even stuttering, lol! I think I was blood red when he talked to me, I could feel my face warming up. I've never felt that way before then, I haven't felt that way since then either.

I don't remember there being some sort of moment when I was just like "Oh, I'm gay!" but I do remember realizing that other guys in my class didn't feel the same way. I've always had these feelings but never really noticed them until puberty, I guess. I think I always kind of knew but..I don't know. For a while I thought I'd be bi and I'd switch between the two but back then it was just which one sounded cooler. Gay of course was more subject to bullying and I didn't want to be bullied so I thought I'd be bi, I like it, but it didn't seem right. Eventually I identified to myself as gay. It didn't take long, only about a week. I liked it, I liked being unique and I liked that no one felt the same way I did. It was and is something that sets me apart from the rest of the people in my class, it gives me a different perspective on things.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 03:20 PM   #19
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Default Re: Realizing you're gay stories

there was never a complete thought in my mind "wow, am i gay?" i just always knew it. although, because i was raised to think that men marry women and women marry men, i had some heterosexual thoughts, but only because i was taught to think that way.
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Old 26th Oct 2012, 04:35 PM   #20
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One day (around two years ago) I was sitting on my couch, home alone, and just thinking. I wasn't watching T.V. or anything, just thinking. All of a sudden a simple thought popped into my head "I'm bisexual." A week later I realized that I did, in fact, like penis.

Then a year later I was on the internet and found out about asexuality/pansexuality. Those fit me better than bisexuality so I stuck with those labels. And here I am.

As simple as that.

Well, the week were I was realizing that I was bisexual happened to be one of the most stressful/confusing weeks of my life, but I digress.
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