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Old 21st Nov 2010, 08:00 AM   #1
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Default Could this gut feeling be true?

I just recently met this great guy. There's a bit of an age difference between us, but from what he said he's really into me and I know I like him as well. During our first time talking our past about bfs and the such became the topic and he told me that he's been in only two relationships, one of them being for over 5 years. I told him about my past two bfs and how it was basically just sexual, and he seemed shocked or even as far as to say slightly angry that a guy could meet me, have sex, and then just keep going as if I'm just a toy. He asked me that if we did get that far, since he's a sensitive guy, to please not hurt him how the past guys have. I don't plan on doing so either.

The problem here now is I feel he just might be like the other two. Spent last weekend together and had made plans to see each other again this weekend, but now he's sorta distanced himself. Gradually stopped replying to texts and didn't answer his phone last night. I keep telling myself that I'm overthinking everything because he really seems like a great guy, but deep down I have this gut feeling that this is a repeat experience. I just don't want to believe someone that made me feel loved the way he did and finally got through the guard I have towards guys just completely cut me off like that. I could just be thinking too fast too quickly, but if it does turn out my gut feeling is true then this just plain sucks 10x worse than the other guys. At least with them I figured out quickly it was just about sex, they didn't catch me off guard only to crush my spirits.

It's gotten me down to the point I almost want to cry; and I'm one of those people that almost never cries to where if someone does happen to see me they look as if they've just received the biggest shock of their life. I keep going over the four days we've seen each other over and over in my mind trying to find something I could have done wrong. He really made me feel like no other guy probably ever will and the whole time I'm thinking "Wow, I think I might have finally met the guy I'll settle down with." never once letting the thought he could be the same as the others cross my mind. I should have never let anyone catch me off guard. I feel stupid and just want to sleep all day so I don't have to face reality.
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Old 21st Nov 2010, 10:38 AM   #2
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

Ahhh... Don't cry, . I think you are just over thinking it. I have a tendancy to do it all the time. For all you know, maybe he was just busy. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all this. Don't let your past experiences dictate your future.
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Old 21st Nov 2010, 10:41 AM   #3
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

One of two things is probably going on.

One - now that you've gotten intimate, he's re-evaluating. This doesn't mean he was playing you. It's quite common to be positive that you feel a certain way, and once the relationship gets physical, and that "I-desire-him" need has been sated, you get a different take on it all. So he might be taking some time to figure out what exactly he's feeling.

That said, I'd say option two is more likely. Because you've already made him aware of what you've been through. He KNOWS that you've been (to some degree) used before, and so if he really did just need a bit of time and space to figure things out, he should be astute enough to contact you to keep you in the loop. The fact that he hasn't makes me think he possibly was playing you.

So some "barn door" advice. If you really wonder if you're being played, just keep it out of the bedroom for now. There's nothing wrong with saying "I've been played in the past, and so I'd rather get to know you a bit better before we get too physical." Your right to say that. (And, of course, his right to refuse. Some guys aren't interested in non-physical relationships of any length.) And it should not just be something he agrees to in word, but then keeps nudging you along physically the same night. Feel free to set the line anywhere you feel comfortable, and keep HIM informed as to how you're progressing.

What to do now? Not much. Feel free to send him one more text - "I'll just assume we're through then." Then, assume you're through. Do what you have to do. Kick the wall, punch the pillow, cry, scream, listen to crappy music. And sorry this had to happen to you.

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Old 21st Nov 2010, 04:11 PM   #4
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

Lex gives great advice, as usual.

You don't say how old you are, or how much older he is, but, sadly, i've seen this sort of behavior an awful lot with guys in their mid-20s or older who hit on guys who are 18 or 19 (or, being creepy, sometimes less). It's like it's a conquest or a game to them. So for the future, I'd look and see if there's a pattern: If it's always older guys you're seeking out, and they are always using you, then logic dictates... don't be looking at older guys.

I think, too, that Lex's suggestion about texting one last time is wise. Of course, you probably don't want to do that because you don't want to give up hope that that there might be another explanation. But if there is, then he'll tell you. And if there's not... well, it will suck, but you'll be done with it and can start moving on.

I get really irritated about how so many guys are pieces of shit and do this sort of stuff, but unfortunately, it just comes with the territory. I also agree with Lex that simply waiting to have sex -- perhaps for a month or more -- is probably your safest choice. The assholes generlally won't stick around that long, and if someone is pressuring you before that... it probably isn't someone worth having, so it's a win-win.
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Old 21st Nov 2010, 04:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

don't ever doubt your gut..because 9 times outta 10 it is probably right. I have doubted my instincts before...but they have always been proven right.
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Old 22nd Nov 2010, 05:59 PM   #6
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

He's over ten years older than me, I'm not even 20 yet. I agree with trying to date guys my age, but I can never find an actual gay guy I could date near my age, or at all for that matter, because I look like the average straight guy. I guess it throws off guys as well as girls since I never have had a guy hit on me without knowing beforehand that I'm gay yet girls have no problem doing it.

Thank you for the advice on the text as well. I plan on giving him until sometime tomorrow to send a text or call and if he doesn't then I guess I'll hit major depression mode again.
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Old 23rd Nov 2010, 07:47 AM   #7
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
He's over ten years older than me, I'm not even 20 yet. I agree with trying to date guys my age, but I can never find an actual gay guy I could date near my age, or at all for that matter, because I look like the average straight guy. I guess it throws off guys as well as girls since I never have had a guy hit on me without knowing beforehand that I'm gay yet girls have no problem doing it.

Thank you for the advice on the text as well. I plan on giving him until sometime tomorrow to send a text or call and if he doesn't then I guess I'll hit major depression mode again.
Don't go depressive. A guy i really liked who was 21 years older then me asked me out i told him yea and we hit it off and we dated for close to two month and then out of nowhere he stops calling and texting changed his number and i haven't heard from him since. I didn't let it get to me. The next day i put myself out there again and found my current bf who is sweeter then honey (pardon the cornyness) And we see each other every day and we go to school together. He is so nice to me its not even funny. And i hope he is my last so you can't give up act like its a speed bump in a job thats what makes it feel better whent this kind of thing happens. You can't sit there all day and moan and groan and go "Oh woess me!" Thats not how life works. And if i am coming off as a bitch i'm sorry. But if you want something to happen in your life you have to make it happen. I know we all wish life was like a fairytale but its not. A fairygodmother will not come swooping in to save us. We have to save ourselves.
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Old 23rd Nov 2010, 08:02 AM   #8
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Default Re: Could this gut feeling be true?

The "**** 'em and leave 'em" mentality of some is one of my least favorite parts of the LGBTQ community, to be honest. It makes all queers look like promiscuous, manipulative jerks. I know that it is not a phenomenon that is specific to the gay community, but I've seen a lot of gay guys act that way, even a few I genuinely like and respect otherwise.

I think the commitment-phobia (and consequent promiscuity) some LGBTQ folks exhibit stems from their innate fear of rejection, which comes back to being rejected by society - that scars a lot of people emotionally. "Better to be the rejector than the rejected" is what I think the mindset is like. At least it has been for me - at the first sign of any kind of genuine affection from someone I've slept with, I bolt like my hair is on fire and my ass is catching.

Don't let it get you down though - people with those kind of issues aren't worth your time or your hurt feelings. If he's not ready for a real relationship, that's his problem, not yours.
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