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Old 3rd Feb 2010, 06:54 AM   #1
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Default How to try discreetly?

Well I'm currently unsure of what my sexuality is and importantly how I can even know what I like because I don't know how I can go somewhere that is comfortable and younger guys to meet and maybe see what I am. I do like girls, but I also like guys physically.

When I was in high school I had thought my brother's friend was sort of sending signals because he was always wanting to watch my straight porn stash with me in private, but nothing came of that although he was the earliest I can know of me liking guys. I didn't come to realize till high school even though looking back I can now from as early as 5th grade of this.

I also go to the gym and a couple times really older guys hit on me, but it is a huge turn-off. One time some old guy was really really aggressive, but it grossed me out to the point I had to leave the gym for that day because I felt kind of awkward.

I guess the main thing is that if I ever am to be open about it I want to know first if I really like it. I tried a toy and it did not feel good at all after trying a couple times and takes too much time to even get to the point of being clean to use it that it just seems such a hassle. Anyone know some ways that are discreet where you can meet guys college aged. Preferably in a way you don't happen upon someone you know who might be gay, but you didn't know.
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Old 3rd Feb 2010, 06:55 AM   #2
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

sry couldn't edit, but I guess what I am saying I thought succinctly is I want to know if I am really gay/bi before I go telling everyone I am gay/bi.
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Old 3rd Feb 2010, 07:27 AM   #3
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

Well, one of the things that can be confusing is that sex is fun and feels good - whether you're doing it with a guy or a girl. And there are lots of straight guys who enjoy having something in their ass - but they don't necessarily consider themselves gay (and conversely, their are lots of gay guys who are turned off by everything anal).

The question of gay/bi is largely about what's in your head, not what's in your pants.

When you look at other guys- their faces, their bodies- do you find that you have an interest or curiosity or attraction?

When you see an attractive guy and an attractive girl- which one are you more likely to look at and which do you find your eyes more drawn to?

If you look at straight porn, do you find yourself spending more time looking at the guy? Have you looked at gay porn?


There are some people who just "know". Long before they're sexuality active, they have an idea of what they are interested in.

For other people, it just takes experimenting. That can mean spending time with a guy/girl, dating and becoming sexually active before you find what just "feels right".
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Old 3rd Feb 2010, 09:11 AM   #4
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

Hopefully you are in a community that tolerates, if not encourages individuals to be (and become) who they are. I've found it difficult to meet genuine guys. If you are college age it should be a bit easier. Just remember to always be friendly. And get busy doing something. I'd join a swim or water polo team. Get in with a group to go hiking or climbing. If you go to gay bars just be friendly, and avoid those who aren't in reply. .. .. .. So much of the approach you take will depend on your environs. good luck, and just don't give up trying.. .. ..
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Old 3rd Feb 2010, 10:17 AM   #5
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

You definitely do not need to actually have sex to determine whether you're gay or not. That's an assumption that many of us make, but we're wrong. Usually we're still in denial and can't really accept that we're gay. So we need to 'experiment' or 'get it out of our system.'

As has already been said - this is more in your head than anywhere else.

Straight guys don't get turned on when other guys hit on them. Straight guys don't hope that something happens between them and their brother's buddy.

Instead of actuallying 'trying it', why not just 'live it' in your head for a while. You don't need to tell anyone, but just decide that for the next couple of months, you're going to assume that you're gay. You're going to give yourself permision to check out guys without being all freaked out and conflicted. You're going to allow yourself to check out gay porn and see if that does it for you. Just go with it. No need to tell anyone at this point though.

At the end of those couple of months, see how you feel. That's what is most important.

Bottom line is that there are lots of ways to meet other guys just for sex. But our collective experience here would suggest that this isn't usually the best approach to work through this stuff. In fact, that approach can be pretty destructive.
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Old 4th Feb 2010, 12:59 AM   #6
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

I've known that I'm genuinely attracted to both sexes for maybe 7 years now and I've only identified as bisexual for about 1 year. Problem was i didn't really understand the extent of my attraction to either sex and I was afraid of getting trapped by labels into dating one or the other, or scaring off people who are uncomfortable with bisexuality.

I still haven't worked it out fully, but one day I finally just decided, "To hell with the labels, I know I have at least some attraction to both sexes so I'm putting myself out there as bisexual and I'll date whoever I'm attracted to. And if anyone is put off by bisexuality, then they weren't worth dating in the first place."

That's been working out pretty well for me. If you find you have chemistry with a cute guy/girl, go for it.

And to address your last part, there are plenty of gay/bi men out there who are exclusively tops and don't like being penetrated. That's fine. There are plenty of men who are bottoms that really don't care to do the penetrating
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Old 4th Feb 2010, 09:14 AM   #7
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
I also go to the gym and a couple times really older guys hit on me, but it is a huge turn-off. One time some old guy was really really aggressive, but it grossed me out to the point I had to leave the gym for that day because I felt kind of awkward.
Yeah, some people are total jerks when they find someone attractive. I think it's a bit more forgivable in a club/bar setting because at least then it's more expected and you have to factor in the effects of alcohol, but still.

Being hit on by someone you're not into is not a happy experience--I think it's probably especially disturbing for a guy if they're not out because guys are not raised to see themselves as people who get hit on but rather as the people who do the approaching. Hopefully that's changing a bit as women become more equal in society and everyone realises that it's okay for everyone to have sexual urges and act on them... in a respectful manner. But we're still a very long way from equality on that front.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
I guess the main thing is that if I ever am to be open about it I want to know first if I really like it. I tried a toy and it did not feel good at all after trying a couple times and takes too much time to even get to the point of being clean to use it that it just seems such a hassle. Anyone know some ways that are discreet where you can meet guys college aged. Preferably in a way you don't happen upon someone you know who might be gay, but you didn't know.
Well, everyone has made good points. There are several gay hook-up sites and gay dating sites online which you can probably find pretty easily via Google BUT the issue there is that there's never any guarantee if you find someone locally that you're going to be 100% sure no one else will ever find out. Or you could do the more old-school thing and find a bar or club in a town that's 2 or 3 hours away from where you are, but again--no way to be sure you won't meet someone you know.

Both those options (the "discreet" way) also have the drawback of you'll be trying things with a guy for the first time with someone you don't know very well, if at all. While there are lots of guys who have casual sexual encounters with other guys, they are (generally) people who know what they're about and are comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. The ones who have "secret" relations... honestly, I think that tends to fuck people up more than not. I would think that ideally, if you're not sure about stuff, you'd want to be with someone you at least like and trust a little, right? It's one thing to get advice from strangers when you have questions about your sexuality but it's another to experiment with them.

That kinda ties into what I was gonna say regarding getting penetrated--I'm convinced a lot of the guys who aren't into it are not in favour of it mainly because of social reasons rather than they actually physically wouldn't like it. You know how a lot of gay people get told, "You just need to find the right girl?" Well, I think a variation of that is more accurate: "You just need to find the right guy... to enjoy anal sex."

Okay, that's obviously not the case 100% of the time but given what we all get taught about our butts and anal sex and nasty predatory gay guys... if you're uncertain about your sexuality, I don't think it's very likely you're going to be able to let yourself enjoy getting penetrated--and it is generally something you have to let yourself enjoy, mainly because there's so much negative stigma attached to actually enjoying it.

So yeah... it's probably best to work on the emotional/mental side of things and work the physical stuff out later. The whole "how do you know you're gay if you've never been with a girl (or a guy)?" argument is pretty weak, if you ask me.
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Old 6th Feb 2010, 08:08 AM   #8
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

You've got some great feedback from all. I particularly like Joey's comments. Quite wise and on all fours, as one might say. Not to gross anyone out, but I learned about the fun of being penetrated once when I was quite young. I was alone, in the bath tub, exploring different aspects of my body. It blew me away to discover how the sphincter muscles spasm at climax, and the sensation of having something for those muscles to grip when they do spasm. Nuff said?.
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Old 6th Feb 2010, 02:32 PM   #9
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Default Re: How to try discreetly?

The gay/bi situation is something you will figure out in time. It takes time. My best advice for meeting college aged people is to just get active like other posters have responded. Get involved with organizations on campus and start slowing with meeting people and getting involved. Act on any vibes you feel and see where things go. Hopefully you can find somebody. From experience, I can tell you, giving yourself away in a discrete situation might sound exhilarating at first, but later you will regret it. So meet somebody, play around, and see where things go.
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